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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 11/08/2021 07:16

Well done you. I’m really pleased you made him cancel. Hopefully he won’t pull that sort of stunt again and that in future he will think.

I hope you do go to your mum’s for some TLC and rest and leave him to deal with the sleepover.

GoWalkabout · 11/08/2021 07:17

Well done good outcome

BritishSummertime · 11/08/2021 07:22

Well done.

Enjoy some peace at your mum's for a bit

Onlinedilema · 11/08/2021 07:24

Well done op for tackling this head on.
Dont ever let him pull this kind of stunt again.
Id tell him again, calmly and clearly that he must never organise things when he isn't there to do it.
I hope he sees sense.

Onlinedilema · 11/08/2021 07:26

By the way whenever my ex h, and note he is my ex h, pulled this kind of shit I too went to my mum's with my baby. Strangely he would always cancel then, rather than deal with visitors himself.

JacquelineCarlyle · 11/08/2021 07:28

Well done Op.

On a separate note re the tiredness - it does get better. It's hard to imagine it when you're in the middle of it but hang in there (& sleep when you can) - it will get easier eventually.

diddl · 11/08/2021 07:33

What a fuss about nothing!

Not you Op obviously.

Plans can change all the time with young kids & it has only been postponed!

He'd hardly promised to look after the kids in an emergency had he?

rainbowstardrops · 11/08/2021 07:40

Good on you for standing up for yourself!
Now at the weekend, tootle off to your mum's (leave the baby with him if possible) and enjoy a lovely peaceful catch-up with your mum.
He might think twice in future then!

grey12 · 11/08/2021 07:43

Your DH should have definitely discuss the situation with you first. I would be pissed at mine!

But at that age they can manage themselves. (Order some pizza) I would lay the groundrules and say you will call the friends' parents to pick them up immediately if they misbehave

Beamur · 11/08/2021 07:44

Good for you! Perfectly reasonable to reschedule for the weekend and not expect you to look after 5 kids solo..
Had to chuckle at 'wouldn't be that bad' course not if you're at work!

BonesJones · 11/08/2021 07:55

Well done op. Glad you maintained your boundaries!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/08/2021 08:12

Great action on your part. Hopefully he will show you a bit more respect/consideration in future.

TwoLeftElbows · 11/08/2021 09:57

Ah well done OP. Don't worry if he was a bit grumpy in the moment. The measure is how it goes in the long term, and I think it sounds very positive.

Lavender24 · 11/08/2021 10:01

YANBU. I'd be livid.

Atalune · 11/08/2021 10:34

Glad it got resolved. Good for you putting the boundaries in.

TopBlogger · 11/08/2021 10:37

An update where the OP actually resolves it - brilliant! He wont pull that stunt again

Pissinthepottyplease · 11/08/2021 10:41

@Lordye

Sorry for the silence last night, was a bit crazy with baby who I think is teething 🥴

I ended up ringing him not long after the thread and said he'd have to cancel it and rearrange it for the weekend when he was here. He protested a bit, probably because he felt embarrassed he'd have to contact their parents at short notice but he did it anyway and they are staying at weekend instead when he's off work (and I'll probably bugger off to my mum's whilst they are here too for some peace!)

We spoke about it last night and I told him not to ever pull that again and expect me to deal with it, especially without speaking to me first. I told him I was upset tbat I felt be didn't consider me at all considering he knows how tired I am. He apparently 'didnt think it would be that bad' but anyway... it's done now.

Good. Well done for setting clear expectations.
alltheemptyfields · 11/08/2021 10:49

@Atalune

Your DH is out of order for not discussing first. That I do agree with.

However you also sound particularly intolerant of the children unless they are particularly terribly behaved.

you haven't got children, have you Hmm

If there's no noise and chaos with 4 kids between 8 and 10, there's something wrong.

As much football and time outside in the garden as you can
and screens! as many video games as you can push on them. Ideally swap if they can't play together, sometimes the groups don't merge too well.

order pizza for lunch.

Good luck!

alltheemptyfields · 11/08/2021 10:50

they are staying at weekend instead when he's off work
result!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/08/2021 11:01

This is one of my golden rules for DH. He must never agree something that involves more work for me (especially if it doesn’t particularly impact on him) without agreeing it with me first. Clearly I’d help out in an emergency but as a general he knows not to make promises on my behalf. It took a few painful discussions and issues to get there.

AutumnLeafDance · 11/08/2021 11:07

Well done OP! What a great outcome! Definitely go to your mum's and have some quality time with her ☺️💐

123fushia · 11/08/2021 11:10

A sleepover does not have to include the whole of the next day! Tell him that you will agree to them all staying the night and if you can afford it, get pizzas delivered and give them a good night.
Also tell him that that is as much as you can physically offer at present and that the friends will need to be picked up at 11am. That is already very generous and a good compromise.
I would be very put out if this was expected of me at a time when I needed support and more rest.

123fushia · 11/08/2021 11:11

Sorry - just read updates.
Good outcome.x

lastcall · 11/08/2021 12:09

Well done, OP.

Frankly, I hope the children drive him mad while they're all there and you're elsewhere so he fully understands why he never should have tried to dump all that on a sleep-deprived, exhausted mother of a new baby. Idiot.

54321nought · 11/08/2021 12:17

well done

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