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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
pinkflamingo21 · 10/08/2021 16:54

Can he help you with things tonight like dinners and getting them to bed etc so you have time to relax?

Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:54

This is nothing to do with me not like or not tolerating my DSC by the way, not at all. They are good kids, but like a lot of kids I imagine, they can get carried away when they have people over and I'm just not in the right frame of mind for dealing with it, especially it being dumped on me as a complete surprise that I had no say in as well!

OP posts:
AOwlAOwlAOwl · 10/08/2021 16:55

Yeah I'd leave him to organise everything for the kids tonight and get up early with the baby and go out.

MyPantsAreTooTight · 10/08/2021 16:57

Hard "no" with a side order of "I am not your fucking nanny".

Cheeky bastard.

Blamelesscars · 10/08/2021 16:58

Ah OP I feel for you. I’ve got a 9 yr old and his best friend is coming to stay over the weekend and I sorta feel like I’m bracing myself for some kind of siege in my own home.

Don’t get me wrong I love my son and his best friend but it will be loud and crazy! We also have a 2 & 3 yr old so it’s just going to be a mad house. But I think the key difference is I made the plans and agreed to doing it knowing what it’s going to be like. You DH shouldn’t have agreed to sleepovers without asking you first especially as the burden of it will fall on you while he’s out the house

Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:58

I do wonder as well, seen as it was DSC who told me, when he was actually planning on letting me know? When they turned up later? Who knows

OP posts:
Blamelesscars · 10/08/2021 16:59

Also do try to Ignore the posters turning this into you clearly hate your step kids post. Step mums can do nothing right on MN it’s seems

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2021 17:02

He definitely should have spoken to you. You could have anything planned tomorrow or an appointment.
Definitely make sure the parents are collecting at a set time. You’ll need their parents details too in case of emergency.
He possibly thought having a friend each would be entertaining for them instead of you having to entertain but it’s still 4 kids to look after not 2. I’d make sure DP organises breakfast - those jus rol make your own pain au choc or cinnamon rolls usually go down well.

Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 17:02

@FinallyHere

feel like just buggering off to a friend's

If it's the first time he has not checked with you I would probably let it go. If he has history of not running things past you, do this.

Go out early. Look surprised when he asked why you didn't tell him your plans.

I'm guessing he will be less inclined to not include you in planning in future.

So there is a history of not letting me know yes but it's always been stuff that I've never been sure if I'm being reasonable expecting to be told or not, things like swapping contact days so I turn up from work and DSC are here when I wasn't expecting them, that sort of thing. But I've never really bothered about that sort of stuff because I guess, why would it really matter? But it did sometimes feel like I didn't know what may be happening one week to the next.

However this is completely unreasonable (I think), given that it directly impacts me and not him and tbh it kind of just cements for me that he thinks he doesn't need to consider me, in my own home, when it comes to the DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 17:07

As well, it also means I can't go anywhere tomorrow!

OP posts:
lannistunut · 10/08/2021 17:11

Just go out. Text him you are not doing it. He's taking the piss.

If my DH did that to me with my own children I'd be fucking livid so do NOT let anyone make out this is an evil SM thing.

Your DH is an absolute arse for doing this.

Starseeking · 10/08/2021 17:11

It's out of order that he didn't ask you first, if you hadn't agreed that that was the arrangement regarding the DSC beforehand.

I'm guessing he knew you'd say no given the rough time you are having with the baby, but he also didn't want to tell his DC no, because he hates "letting them down."

Currently, the arrangement he has made has zero impact on him or his day, and it's not on that he fundamentally changed yours. For what it's worth, I hate hosting play dates for my own DC, never mind DSC!

I'd go out as others have suggested, and leave him to it. He won't do it again after that.

KatherineSiena · 10/08/2021 17:14

This is very unreasonable especially as he didn’t ask you, let alone even tell you until you actually asked him. It’s staggeringly unfair when you are exhausted. I certainly wouldn’t want to look after 4 under 10 year olds as well as a baby when I’m very tired. I think you should go out tomorrow, maybe doing him the courtesy of telling him tonight so he can prepare to take time off work. And that’s more courtesy than he even extended to you.

I think you do need to make a bit of a stand on this otherwise you will just be expected to accept this going forward. Your later posts show you are pretty tolerant of other changes of plans but this is a step too far.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2021 17:15

It shows his level of respect for you, which is quite shockingly low. You aren't his fucking nanny, skivvy or hired help. I would be fuming and would outright refuse.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 10/08/2021 17:17

YADNBU.

How dare he set you up to be a childminder for other people's kids as well as your DSC when he's not even going to be there, or hasn't checked with you about your plans for the day.

I would a) go to a friend's tonight when he gets in and leave him to it and b) tell him going forward his DC are HIS responsibility and if he hasn't agreed with you in advance that you will take care of them, then he needs to assume you can't/won't.

No more of this springing stuff on you at the last minute, he's taking the piss.

Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 17:18

@Aquamarine1029

It shows his level of respect for you, which is quite shockingly low. You aren't his fucking nanny, skivvy or hired help. I would be fuming and would outright refuse.
I think this is the awkward position he's put me in that I mentioned, if I outright refuse now, which I would have done if he'd asked me so he didn't get their hopes up first, I'm the one who's saying no to something they are already looking forward to. I feel like unless I want to look like a witch to the DC, I've got to go along with it now. I'm so angry.
OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 10/08/2021 17:18

Agree with pp’s to make your own (preferably overnight), plans and leave the disrespectful arsehole to deal with all the kids himself.

It might seem dramatic, and he will inevitably bleat that you’re overreacting blah, blah, blah. But men like this (and it’s ALWAYS men), need harsh lessons in order to ram the point home and prevent a reoccurrence.

Let this slide and there’s no motivation for change. Can you imagine a mum doing this to a stepdad? Nip this shit in the bud from the off or he’ll be wiping his feet on you forever.

Notagain20 · 10/08/2021 17:19

Go to your friends. You've got to be really clear that this is not OK - this is your chance to make your limits clear and show him you will not be treated like a fool. You said you don't want to be seen as the bad guy - you need to forget about that, do not say yes to stuff you want to say no to because of what an 8 year old and a 10 year old may or may not think of you!

Show I'm you are not going to be walked all over -
This is your chance to set his expectations.

frazzledasarock · 10/08/2021 17:21

I’d pack ready to go to friends. Tell the kids they’ll have an amazing day with daddy and their friends, how great daddy made such fun plans just the four of them.

Suggest they have a midnight feast tonight with lots of ice cream and haribo and you give them permission to do this.

Have bags packed ready as soon as he walks in the door you walk out. Tell kids to have an amazing time with just them and daddy.

frazzledasarock · 10/08/2021 17:21

Sorry meant just the five of them

KatherineSiena · 10/08/2021 17:22

You don’t have to go along with it. If you go out either your DH will have to disappoint the children or he’ll have to look after them. Just say no.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 10/08/2021 17:22

As well, it also means I can't go anywhere tomorrow!

No it doesn't, OP, because you have not agreed to it and therefore it is not happening.

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

This is not true. Your husband is the horrible one who has arranged this behind your back, presumably in an attempt to strong arm you into it (or he'd have asked you first, wouldn't he?).

Even if that were true, your options are temporarily look like the horrible one or be permanently cast as the mug. Short term pain for long term gain, OP. Don't be the mug. This type of shit has to be nipped in the bud quickly. (I see it has actually already been going on with sudden changes to contact times that you are not consulted on. This is the escalation. Stop it now, or it will continue to get worse.)

lannistunut · 10/08/2021 17:22

You need to decide which matters more, looking 'nice' or being respected by your partner.

My view is people respect us roughly about the same amount we respect ourselves. I wouldn't do it.

The resentment is going to grow.

Awalkintime · 10/08/2021 17:22

Instead of saying move it to when he has his next day off. Tell the kids it isn't convenient tonight but that they can come on X day and then organise something for yourself.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2021 17:22

Yep! Go out for the evening, at least!

He has made the arrangments. Let him deal with it! All of it!