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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
chorizoTapas · 10/08/2021 19:13

@Lordye

They are 10 and 8
Jeez no... I would tell get the details of said friends and cancel
Starseeking · 10/08/2021 19:14

Nah, let him be the villain. I wouldn't say anything, I'd just go out and leave him to it. He should be the one to renege on his own promise, not you!

ejhhhhh · 10/08/2021 19:15

I'd absolutely go out early doors tomorrow with your baby, tell him you've arranged a day out with a friend. It's completely unreasonable of him to expect you to provide childcare for his DC, and change plans etc to just fit in with them. I would not recommend just going along with this at all, because he needs a lesson in communication and boundaries. Leaving him to deal with the kids when he's trying to juggle work would be a good way of teaching him that lesson imo, and he'd be less likely to do it again.

BorderlineHappy · 10/08/2021 19:17

Can you not leave the baby with him as well.
Let him realise what sleepless nights entail.
Go to your friends and get some sleep.
Leave your dh to it.
After all it's easy.

Eddielzzard · 10/08/2021 19:27

Hmm I smell the doomed perfume of resignation and martyrdom. This is why he gets away with it and will continue to do so. He doesn't CARE that this is how you feel, he gets to look the good guy, oh so generous, when it is YOU paying the price. Stop letting him take advantage of your good nature, if only to stop your growing resentment which is a long term poison that will be increasingly hard to swallow.

diddl · 10/08/2021 19:30

Of course he should tell you when his kids are going ti be there.

You might be planning to bring people round, walk in naked..

As for arranging other kids to visit & saying nothing!

He really treats you like shit doesn't he?

So if they arrive his evening is he really going to look after them all evening plus in the night if they get up?

If it all goes aheads I'd want them gone at 9/10am tomorrow.

BeeOnADandelion · 10/08/2021 19:36

@pinkflamingo21

Can he help you with things tonight like dinners and getting them to bed etc so you have time to relax?
"Help her"?! They're his DC and their friends, not hers. He should be doing it all as a matter of course. Especially when you consider that she's an exhausted new mum looking after their joint child who isn't sleeping through.
MrsMiddleMother · 10/08/2021 19:39

Yanbu at all op! You're partners, that means he should be telling you when his kids are coming round and ESPECIALLY if you'll be looking after kids that aren't your stepchildren! I would he raging and I wouldn't care that I'd be the bad guy, I would be cancelling this sleepover.

Fizzorgin · 10/08/2021 19:41

I've just read this out to my DP and his response was 'that's not an unreasonable reaction at, the husband is pretty much asking to have his bollocks chopped off'

Fizzorgin · 10/08/2021 19:41

*at all

EKGEMS · 10/08/2021 19:42

Can you not leave and stay at a hotel tonight the second he walks in the house? Can't you take baby and go to your Mother's place? Go to the master bedroom and lock the door so Daddy dearest can run the house tonight?

Fizzorgin · 10/08/2021 19:44

How close are you to Dorset, we'll put you up Wink

BeeOnADandelion · 10/08/2021 19:46

@Lordye

As well, it also means I can't go anywhere tomorrow!
Tell him he needs to look after his own DC (and their friends) during contact time. He's taking you for a mug. You have to start as you mean to go on. You've let stuff slide in the past but you have your own DC now so it's the perfect opportunity to shake thinks up and lay down stricter boundaries. Go out as you suggested and leave him to it, I'm sure you've a mate who'd take you in for the night/next day if you explain you need to do it to ram this point home to your DP that you're not his nanny and his contact time is for his DC to spend time with him.
BluebellsGreenbells · 10/08/2021 19:48

I’m not even sure I’d take the baby with me!

Pack a bag and go and find somewhere nice to sleep!

Tell DH you are haveing a sleepover at X house and you’ll let him know what time you’ll be back! Sometime after a very late brunch!

MadeForThis · 10/08/2021 19:50

He can deal with them tonight and breakfast. Make sure pick up time is 10am.

aloris · 10/08/2021 20:00

I think you have to do something about this or it will just go on and on and on. A basic rule in your home should be that he does not volunteer you for work without asking you. This is a boundary you need to set. I understand you feel frustrated that if you don't accept the sleepover he arranged, that YOU will look like the bad guy, but I'm wondering if you can also see that he is relying on your not wanting to look like the bad guy, so that he can get away with looking magnanimous at your expense. The more you give in, the more he will take advantage.

It depends a bit on what your relationship with your stepchildren is like, but maybe you can say, "Daddy forgot to check with me before he arranged the sleepover. Sorry, kids, I'd love to, but I can't manage it tonight. I'll talk to him and try to rearrange for the weekend when he can be here to supervise."

It's ok for your stepchildren to know that you are human and that you need to sleep and don't have infinite energy for supervising hijinks.

BreatheAndFocus · 10/08/2021 20:05

YADNBU. Go out with baby and stay away overnight. Say you have arranged all this previously. If he asks why you didn’t tell him before, say you’re pretty sure you did tell him as you seem to remember it was at the same time he kindly informed you about this sleepover….

mynameisbrian · 10/08/2021 20:21

it doesnt matter if it is step kids or not, he shouldnt have agreed for two extra kids for the night when he was at work the following day without checking with his wife. My DH wouldnt have dared invite kids round for sleep overs without checking with me first. play dates and sleep overs can be a headache never mind having a baby and being sleep deprived. He is a inconsiderate , selfish man who knew you were struggling due to being sleep deprived but did this anyway

MyriadeOfThings · 10/08/2021 20:22

You have to say NO now.

Not the next time, not telling him it’s unacceptable etc
You have to act like it actually matters and it is absolutely not acceptable to organise something like this wo telling you.

If you don’t, he’ll just think you are making a fuss out of nothing and are just ‘hysterical’.

You need to tell him tonight that unfortunately you can’t lol after the 4 children and HE will have to step in and look after them. Then leave the house. Yes leave before 7.00am so he has no other choices.
Then and only then, you might want to have a chat with him.

You’ll have to work hard to put boundaries tback up again @Lordye. Because atm he has no respect for them. Probably because he has already trampled them (eg by letting you deal with his own dcs, not telling you stuff etc…) many times wo you ever saying anything….

Viviennemary · 10/08/2021 20:46

That is dreadful. Don't know what I would do. I think Id ask him to cancel the arrangements. Its bad enough you are acting as a babysitter for a week as well. I might even consider leaving permanently.

CurlsandCurves · 10/08/2021 20:52

My kids are much older, I don’t have a new baby and I’d still run it past DH if the kids could have friends to sleep over. And he would with me if they asked him first.

It’s not about age, new baby, etc. It’s about respect and checking that the adults responsible for the children in the house are ok with other people’s children staying over.

He’s totally out of order.

Valeriekat · 10/08/2021 21:03

You are being a pushover. Why ask if you aren't going to do anything. You have become the nanny!

Sh05 · 10/08/2021 21:15

Don't all pile on people. Op's only just coming to the realisation that her oh is taking advantage of her.
Give her a chance atleast

badg3r · 10/08/2021 21:22

Ooooh. Yeah really not cool of your DP. I would be so tempted to be sick tomorrow so he has to take the day off work to look after his kids. Or have an appointment for the baby and you can't fit all the extra kids in the car.

Bollindger · 10/08/2021 21:28

Since you are stuffed this time, all you can do is say the Children have to go home before lunch, or he comes home.

Tell him NEVER again to book friends over for the Children unless he will be there all the time, if he does , you will leave him with ALL the Children and have a me day.

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