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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 10/08/2021 17:23

FORGET ABOUT WHAT THE KIDS MIGHT THINK!

This is on him and if they are upset when you next see them you can explain that their dad forgot to check if you were going to be at home to look after them - silly daddy! Do not let people pleasing get in the way of you saying No firmly and clearly - or you'll be in this position again and again and again. .. .

Notagain20 · 10/08/2021 17:23

@frazzledasarock

I’d pack ready to go to friends. Tell the kids they’ll have an amazing day with daddy and their friends, how great daddy made such fun plans just the four of them.

Suggest they have a midnight feast tonight with lots of ice cream and haribo and you give them permission to do this.

Have bags packed ready as soon as he walks in the door you walk out. Tell kids to have an amazing time with just them and daddy.

Love this
FinallyHere · 10/08/2021 17:26

As well, it also means I can't go anywhere tomorrow!

That is exactly why you should make plans and go out. Don't give him that level of power over you. It's really not good for either of you and will breed resentment.

And it doesn't make you the one saying no. He can work out a plan that works himself.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 10/08/2021 17:28

I think this is the awkward position he's put me in that I mentioned, if I outright refuse now, which I would have done if he'd asked me so he didn't get their hopes up first, I'm the one who's saying no to something they are already looking forward to. I feel like unless I want to look like a witch to the DC, I've got to go along with it now.

Quite! And don't imagine he didn't think of this when he planned it. He's played you OP.

SpidersAreShitheads · 10/08/2021 17:28

You're NBU in the slightest. Sleep deprivation is rotten and having four children in the house on top will really stretch your last shred of patience and energy.

He absolutely should have told you, and given that he has form for this, I think you need to find some way of making him realise just how thoughtless he is being. Agree you can't really cancel this now as you'll be the wicked stepmum, but I would 100% be plotting a way to show him how it feels. If you've told him and nothing has changed, then he needs to be put in the position to experience it for himself.

All of that said, I agree with @Atalune - your comments about children's behaviour and noise seem a bit unrealistic and intolerant. Noisy kids are usually happy kids , they're only young once - let them enjoy playing. Before too long they'll be grumpy teens glued to a screen, totally silent. I totally get why you're not in the mood for the noise and chaos right now - but you said that you've told them to keep the noise down before, hence the impression that you're not the most relaxed parent ever.

ZenNudist · 10/08/2021 17:28

Just say you won't be dealing with a 5 child breakfast and he will have to take time off work or cancel to do that. Tell him its up to him to arrange to handover the dc as you won't be there to do it. You have plans. Then it's back on him.

IME you can arrange an early pick up from a sleep over. They don't need to hang around all day.

Who was looking after dc tomorrow? You or him?

Eddielzzard · 10/08/2021 17:30

Change the date to a day when he's around and then organise things so you're out the entire day. Then see what his tune is after a day of screaming kids.

MzHz · 10/08/2021 17:30

@Lordye

I feel like just buggering off to a friend's and not telling him so he'll have to stay home tomorrow, seen as we apparently don't need to check with each other before arranging things that affect the other person.
Honestly, do it.

If you let this happen you will resent him

Resentment kills relationships stone dead.

Get your self ready and when he gets in, hand over to him.

Let him work it out

He won’t ambush you again, will he?

AgentJohnson · 10/08/2021 17:31

You can say no and you should. By not saying no, you’re giving him the green light to pull this shit again. Stand up for yourself!

Luannee · 10/08/2021 17:32

Tell him that you're going out at 10am, so he needs to have pre-arranged for the other kids to be picked up by then.

LemonFantaGin · 10/08/2021 17:33

He can take a days annual leave then can't he, his plan, he can be there for it!

lannistunut · 10/08/2021 17:33

If you go along with it, then you are making your own bed. You only have to put your foot down once. He will hopefully learn fast.

notanothertakeaway · 10/08/2021 17:34

@Lordye

As well, it also means I can't go anywhere tomorrow!
This is how people get away with treating others badly

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you need to put a stop to this, or it'll keep happening

Whatever you were planning to do tomorrow, go right on and do it

ZenNudist · 10/08/2021 17:36

This is nothing much to do with step children. It would be inconsiderate to land you in this situation even if if we're your own dc.

The difference is that with your own dc it would be easier to say no but you might also be more inclined to say yes.

I have dc the same age and the actual sleepover is quite easy. They come for tea. Pizza or similar easy junk. Dh sorts that. Then a film for all or gaming possibly both but definitely winding down with a film. Popcorn to be eaten.

Then bed and them up all night talking. Its not noisy. Main worry is tired dc. Not your problem. Dh to deal with getting them to sleep.

Breakfast again dh deal. Doesn't need to be fancy. Then they will probably slink back on gaming until you can get them collected at say 10am.

lunar1 · 10/08/2021 17:36

He needs to take a day off work, and do absolutely everything for all the children.

Howshouldibehave · 10/08/2021 17:37

I would be absolutely livid and tell him I won’t be in.

dreamkitchenhelp · 10/08/2021 17:37

Leave him the baby and 4 kids, go stay in a hotel and turn up at 6:55 tomorrow!

bigbaggyeyes · 10/08/2021 17:37

8 & 10 for sleepovers = zero sleep. I'd be making sure that your dh sorts tea and bedtime and gets up at 2am to tell them to be quiet... I'd be fuming in your shoes OP.

Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 17:38

I'm quite surprised that some PPs have never had to tell their kids to keep the noise down a bit at night before

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 10/08/2021 17:38

You need to say to him you will put up with it this time to not disappointed the kids but never again does he 'assume' on your time. If it had been me and thought quick enough I'd have said, you didn't tell me you booked the day off to be with the kids. As others have said you need to put in a whacking big boundary. Did they ask, or did he suggest it? And when was he going to let you know? I would be blatantly saying he would not like you to organise his time, so why is it ok for him to? Kids/days out/family visits whatever is a discussion not their decision

Howshouldibehave · 10/08/2021 17:38

Either tell him to cancel OR make sure the parents pick them up at 10am and DH can go to work after that when they’ve both been collected.

His choice.

pasadeda · 10/08/2021 17:39

Tell him to cancel. If he doesn't go away overnight and leave him to deal with the children.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 10/08/2021 17:43

Is there somewhere you and the baby can go and sleep tonight, if so go and then turn back up in the morning.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/08/2021 17:43

OP, I am so angry on your behalf. Disney dad here is great at passing the burden isn’t he?

Leave him to it. None of the children are your own except your baby so I’d be booking into a hotel with the baby. Your DH is awful and sees you as something to facilitate his parenting of his children, he does not see you as an equal or of having value.

Mydogsbetterthanyourdog · 10/08/2021 17:44

YANBU
I would be really pissed off at him.
If I was you I'd tell him he has to take the day off to look after them seeing as he arranged it. If he thinks it's not that much of a big deal he'll easy cope.
I agree that yes having someone for them to play with can make ot easier but that's not the issue here, it's his total disregard for you.
It is really unfair that he'd let you be the bad guy if you turn round and say no now.

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