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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
GullyGull · 10/08/2021 17:45

That's shitty behaviour from him. You need to nip that in the bud or it will become a habit.

AfterSchoolWorry · 10/08/2021 17:46

I'd fuck off to a hotel for the night. The cheeky fucker.

I wouldn't give a shit if the kids are disappointed. If you allow this then he'll keep doing it.

Cryalot2 · 10/08/2021 17:46

Tell him you had something booked and do that. Be it meeting a friend anything .
He is way off line here and it is his place and his alone to look after his ch.
Good of the dsc to mention .
I am shocked at this.Flowers

Jux · 10/08/2021 17:49

You don't have to go along with it. Tell him that you'd made an arrangement to take your mum somewhere, and then tell them that you won't be there. Awfully sorry to miss you all, but hey.

thenewduchessofhastings · 10/08/2021 17:51

What about if any of the other two kids parents work?;you could end up with 1 potentially 2 extra kids until tomorrow evening whilst they enjoy free childcare.

Given you've got a young baby and he agreed to have his kids for a week why has he not taken a week's annual leave?;he obviously thinks as you're on maternity leave it's then your free to take care of his kids too.

Sod 10am,I'd be asking their parents to collect them by 9am latest.If I knew my kid had been invited to a sleepover and the kids stepmum or mum with a young baby was expected to look after them I'd be checking that was okay first.

EL8888 · 10/08/2021 17:52

Cancel or he takes annual leave to make it happen. He promised = he can deliver

tara66 · 10/08/2021 17:54

I think he should be told immediately to cancel the arrangement asap. Say you do not feel well enough for such an ordeal - which it will be.

Superstar22 · 10/08/2021 17:58

What he has done is really unfair and yes as others have said suggest he take AL to see to all these children. If that’s not possible either
A) text the parents of said children & say “wires crossed will rearrange another time”

B) take the reins on the day & say they are invited from 11am- 4pm.

No 10 or 8 year olds I know (loads!) just hang around all day, they are dropped off and picked up at the hosts convenience

2021V2 · 10/08/2021 17:59

@Sirinn

Ugh, I've known friends suffer this. Man meets a new partner and immediately thinks 'ka-ching! Free babysitter!' and the next thing you know she's sat watching his children while he's out doing extra work hours, hanging out with friends, going to sports...
This 100% I was said new woman and he did the same as ‘your a teacher anyway so used to kids’ I left BEFORE they arrived and went to say with a friend overnight. Draw your line now in the sand and out neon solar power lights in the sand. It’s not only a no but he needs to phone and explain why he 1) can’t have his own kids and 2) why they can’t double themselves

It’s a huge no here I just would not do it.

2021V2 · 10/08/2021 17:59

@EL8888

Cancel or he takes annual leave to make it happen. He promised = he can deliver
Yes
AnyOldPrion · 10/08/2021 18:00

Hi Lordye. I’ve hung around the relationships board here long enough to know that it’s very common for abusive men to begin as soon as you are tied down with a baby. When I say abusive, I don’t mean physically. I’m talking about men who take advantage and use and abuse your kindness, and generally start take you for granted.

This is the time when you need to take your courage in both hands and stand up to him. Say they are his children, there’s no way he should have agreed to having friends over when he isn’t going to be there in the morning, and say that you are going out and he is going to have to sort it out himself.

Then go out. Do you have a friend you can stay with overnight? He needs to know that you really are not going to put up with this. If you don’t, he will know he can do it again, and again, and again.

Youseethethingis · 10/08/2021 18:02

He's crowding you out of your own life.
Stop it. Stop it right now.

Thighdentitycrisis · 10/08/2021 18:06

YANBU I would be seriously pissed off

But you can’t just go out tomorrow and say you’ve made plans if the DSC are due to be with you while he’s at work

RantyAunty · 10/08/2021 18:08

Yes you can cancel!

Message the parents and tell them you're unwell and need to reschedule. The DC will get over it.

Or better yet, pack up this evening and go to a friends or hotel for a lovely peaceful night and leave your DH to sort out his children.

Your DH needs to realise his DC are primarily his responsibility.

Original poster
Lordye · 10/08/2021 18:10

@Thighdentitycrisis

YANBU I would be seriously pissed off

But you can’t just go out tomorrow and say you’ve made plans if the DSC are due to be with you while he’s at work

No but I could have gone somewhere with DSC tomorrow, if weather was nice or whatever. I can't if I have two other kids as well.
OP posts:
NumberTheory · 10/08/2021 18:10

I agree you should take a stand on this. DH and I wouldn't say yes to a sleep over for kids without discussing it and both agreeing - even when we're both home and they are both our kids. Your DH has treated you shckingly badly.

I'd be inclined to either tell him he needs to postpone the sleepover to a day when he will be there the whole time or you'll be going out and he'll have to take the day off work to look after them all. Or, if this really is a one off and he's usually considerate and pulls his weight, that you'll do it this once but he's never to promise your time like that again without your agreement or you will do the above.

NumberTheory · 10/08/2021 18:12

I think this is the awkward position he's put me in that I mentioned, if I outright refuse now, which I would have done if he'd asked me so he didn't get their hopes up first, I'm the one who's saying no to something they are already looking forward to. I feel like unless I want to look like a witch to the DC, I've got to go along with it now. I'm so angry.

Don't say "no". Say it needs to be postponed to a date when he's home the next day. And tell him, if he doesn't take the flack for it, you will stop looking after his kids all together.

Outbutnotoutout · 10/08/2021 18:13

Stay somewhere else tonight
Or say no
He can look after them without you

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/08/2021 18:14

You can say no and you should. By not saying no, you’re giving him the green light to pull this shit again. Stand up for yourself!

Agree wholeheartedly with this. You shouldn't have to teach a grown man basic consideration and respect.

I wouldn't be sticking around trying to correct repeated piss poor behaviour by dishing out borderline passive aggressive 'lessons'

Your health and energy levels are the priority here. You need to look out for yourself OP, no fucker else is clearly!

Say no.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/08/2021 18:15

Ah, OP - you're on mat leave. Which so many DH/DPs seem to think is spelled 'holiday' and 'nothing else to do all day'.

I'm guessing that as he sees you're on ML, he never does any of the night wakings either, he makes sure he gets a good solid eight hours in undisturbed.

I think, despite the exhaustion, I'd do it this time. But I'd be very clear that if he pulls this shit, or anything like it, again you're off out for the duration and he's on his own. And mean it.

And when you get home from work and the SDCs are there unexpectedly, are you supposed to magic two extra dinners out of thin air??

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/08/2021 18:17

Just get them collected early if it’s such a big deal to you.

It’s nice for the older ones to have friends over especially when there have been huge changes in their lives with a new baby.

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/08/2021 18:18

@Feedingthebirds1

Ah, OP - you're on mat leave. Which so many DH/DPs seem to think is spelled 'holiday' and 'nothing else to do all day'.

I'm guessing that as he sees you're on ML, he never does any of the night wakings either, he makes sure he gets a good solid eight hours in undisturbed.

I think, despite the exhaustion, I'd do it this time. But I'd be very clear that if he pulls this shit, or anything like it, again you're off out for the duration and he's on his own. And mean it.

And when you get home from work and the SDCs are there unexpectedly, are you supposed to magic two extra dinners out of thin air??

Nah, I wouldn't do it. Because next time he will say oh but you did it last time blah de blah.

Go out OP, he's being an arse. And he needs to start doing a share of the nights so that you get some sleep.

Wonder why his last relationship ended...

aiwblam · 10/08/2021 18:18

Sounds like his first wife/partner is well rid.

aiwblam · 10/08/2021 18:18

Of him, not the kids!

godmum56 · 10/08/2021 18:18

the time honoured MN phrase "That doesn't work for me"