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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 10/08/2021 18:18

@Atalune

Your DH is out of order for not discussing first. That I do agree with.

However you also sound particularly intolerant of the children unless they are particularly terribly behaved.

wow...

🤣😂

icedcoffees · 10/08/2021 18:22

Go and stay in a hotel or with your mum or something. Now.

Let him deal with it.

JurassicShay · 10/08/2021 18:25

I would be fuming! He doesn't care about your time or wellbeing seeing as you were crying saying your burnt out 2 days ago.

Don't do it, now is the time to say I'm busy tomorrow morning so you'll have to take the morning off work.

Who sorts someone else to look after others children but not tell them?

JurassicShay · 10/08/2021 18:26

Oh and sleepovers are totally more hectic than just having your own kids can't believe others are saying different!

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 10/08/2021 18:33

I would be very pissed off op

I would be telling him he either takes tomorrow off work or he calls in to start later and is there until the parents pick the other kids up,from him.

I would do it now op or this will continue.

We do not do sleep overs during the week anyway due to work and normal
Life routine etc and looking after four kids that age will be hard hard work and yes it's nice for the kids but I can bet your oh wouldn't have four plus the baby on his own would he Hmm

Seriously op txt him now and tel him how losses off you are that he arranged without checking your free with no plans this evening or tomorrow and it's not ok. And tel him he needs to stay home in the morning to deal with it all after a night of not much sleep

Howshouldibehave · 10/08/2021 18:35

Nah, I wouldn't do it. Because next time he will say oh but you did it last time

Yes, exactly!

Notverygrownup · 10/08/2021 18:35

If you aren't going to say no, then do make sure that you have the other kids parents numbers. You might need to contact them if there is an accident.

As soon as you have them I would either be texting the parents to say that collection needs to be by 10am tomorrow, or I would be texting the parents to tell them to pack their swimming costumes, booking swim sessions for them, and heading to the cafe with my baby for some down time.

Either way, serious words are needed with DH about how his time works with his kids in future.

LtDansleg · 10/08/2021 18:37

@NumberTheory

I think this is the awkward position he's put me in that I mentioned, if I outright refuse now, which I would have done if he'd asked me so he didn't get their hopes up first, I'm the one who's saying no to something they are already looking forward to. I feel like unless I want to look like a witch to the DC, I've got to go along with it now. I'm so angry.

Don't say "no". Say it needs to be postponed to a date when he's home the next day. And tell him, if he doesn't take the flack for it, you will stop looking after his kids all together.

This. If he had any decency he’d blame himself for having to cancel it
Turnitoffandon · 10/08/2021 18:39

YANBU to feel annoyed, but in your position I would put my foot down and say the friends need to be gone by 10am. Which, as any parent knows, is a loooooong way into the morning from new parent perspective. However, for the sleepoverees, it'll be early and there'll be whingeing, which is why they'd be woken at 8am with crumpets and maple syrup and blueberries as the firsts step towards securing an easier day for myself. Put your foot down!

phishy · 10/08/2021 18:39

YANBU, the only this will stop is if you tell him he has to call the friends’ parents and say they can’t come now.

He needs to be embarrassed.

AddressLabel · 10/08/2021 18:41

@Lordye

I do wonder as well, seen as it was DSC who told me, when he was actually planning on letting me know? When they turned up later? Who knows
So he hasn’t told you himself? I’d be like, “you should have checked with me first I’m off to my mims/sisters/friends for the day. Have fun looking after them.”
Youseethethingis · 10/08/2021 18:41

Just get them collected early if it’s such a big deal to you
Or OP could "just" carry on with her life as planned seeing as this CF hasn't even told her let alone asked her to look after 2 random kids as well as his kids.
It’s nice for the older ones to have friends over
Lots of things are nice for kids but that doesn't mean they are more important than basic manners or respect for other peoples time/needs/feelings.
especially when there have been huge changes in their lives with a new baby
Nobodys life had changed more than the new mother who hasn't slept properly for months.
Honestly, not enough eye rolls for this shit 🙄

Turnitoffandon · 10/08/2021 18:42

@RantyAunty

Yes you can cancel!

Message the parents and tell them you're unwell and need to reschedule. The DC will get over it.

Or better yet, pack up this evening and go to a friends or hotel for a lovely peaceful night and leave your DH to sort out his children.

Your DH needs to realise his DC are primarily his responsibility.

Ooooh, this - this is even better. ^
phishy · 10/08/2021 18:43

OP shouldn’t be the one to cancel, it has to be DH as he needs to learn the lesson.

CharityDingle · 10/08/2021 18:49

If it's feasible for you to go to a friend and stay over tonight, I would do just that. Then he has to step up and sort out the situation he created.

FlyingRabbitsAtNoon · 10/08/2021 18:51

Are you BF? If not, or can express, tell him that as you need to be up and alert to be responsible for all the children he needs to be up with baby all night.

Xenia · 10/08/2021 18:52

Unacceptable and one reason i worked full time even with a new baby!
Tell him to order these guests an uber to leave your house around 6.45am so he can see them off before he goes to work.

Notagain20 · 10/08/2021 18:54

What are you making of all these responses, OP? Do you feel able to say no and be assertive here?
Hope so!

Watermelon221 · 10/08/2021 18:55

I would be fuming too and understand exactly what you mean by the noise levels and not being able to go anywhere. I hate sleepovers, would rather have the dc over for pizza and film but collected at 10ish.

You can’t really get out of it now without the dc being disappointed, and it’s not their fault.

I would make sure your dh does everything the evening before, makes tea, clears away, supervises them, makes sure they go to bed, gets up in the night etc if they’re noisy. I would flat refuse to help at all in the evening. I may even pop and see a friend for a drink.

In the morning, I’d get breakfast at 9ish, then put the tv on and ask for them to be collected before 11am. Then you have the rest of the day free to get out.

Absolutely no way would I stay in all day with 5 dc!!

NoMoreCovidPlease · 10/08/2021 18:56

Go out before he leaves for work and stay out. He can sort out his own kids. The level of disrespect and disdain he has for you is very obvious. I'm afraid you might be on your way to being ex wife number 2 really.

Watermelon221 · 10/08/2021 18:58

Or I would ask dh to contact one of the friends parents to see if one dc could go to their house instead so you only have 1dc and 1 friend. This means you could at least get out for a bit somewhere.

He could always offer to have them back another time.

It would be embarrassing for him to have to ask this, but may remind him to check with you first next time!

bevm72yellow · 10/08/2021 19:06

That is not on. Running it past you first should be the standard. Start as you mean to go on. Plus the responsibility of something happening to somebody else's kids when you are exhausted is not protecting the children. Many years ago I had an incident feeding a small baby and two of my other child's friends "went for a walk"....the distress for me and them was terrible and explaining to parents! A firm until later date will change the situation

bevm72yellow · 10/08/2021 19:07

A firm no

Redarrow2017 · 10/08/2021 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FortniteBoysMum · 10/08/2021 19:12

Tell him he needs to organise them being picked up early in the morning. I'm guessing you don't have a car big enough to drop them home when you have 5 children in the house. Point out he should have checked with you when your just expected to look after them all. Who's to say you had not made plans.