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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair and he's put me in an awkward position

214 replies

Lordye · 10/08/2021 16:30

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, baby isn't sleeping great so I'm pretty knackered which my husband knows.

My DSC are staying for the next week and I have them with me occasionally during the school holidays, whilst DH works and other times he takes time off.

I've just been informed by one of DSC that they've spoken to their Dad who's said it's fine for both of them to have friends stay tonight.

So basically DH has agreed they can have a friend over each, knowing that he'll be out the door at 7am and it'll be me all day with a baby and 4 other DC until friends go home (which given its school holidays, who knows when that will be?)

I've messaged him and asked why on earth he didn't think to ask me first and apparently it's fine because he'll be there in the evening and then tomorrow they can just entertain themselves... (Yeah right, the house will be noisy, shouting chaos!) Oh and he apparently told them they have to 'be good'... Hmm

I feel like I can't say no now because then it's me who looks like the horrible one.

They obviously have friends to stay but it's always been at a weekend when DH is also here and takes the lead with stuff.

I'm so annoyed that he's basically not even bothered to consider me at all before deciding it's okay when I'm the one who'll have to deal with it and he knows I'm knackered!

AIBU to be pissed off and think that's so out of order?

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 10/08/2021 21:31

He is out of order

But i would be texting the parents saying you have an appointment at 10am and the kids need picking up, appologies for not letting them know sooner but you had no idea the kids were staying over

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/08/2021 21:33

So do you have 4 kids on a sleepover or did you cancel

Or packed to spend night away

And yes he was wrong to not ask you or check with you

Usually 8&10 with a friend each will entertain their

2bazookas · 10/08/2021 21:36

I'd cancel the invitations and leave DH to explain it to his children

TwoLeftElbows · 10/08/2021 21:38

For all the "get DH to...", do make sure YOU have the parents' contact details so if this does go ahead, you can text them directly and make sure they pick up by 9.30 or whatever. Of course it's not your job but if they are under your roof, it's better to have the tools to control them leaving. Having them to stay is more than enough. Hanging around waiting on them choosing to leave is another level of unnecessary. If you do have them over, take control, boot them out early and get on with your day.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/08/2021 21:39

Sleepovers for primary school age dc is child care imo.
His dc. He cares for them.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/08/2021 21:45

@Howshouldibehave

Nah, I wouldn't do it. Because next time he will say oh but you did it last time

Yes, exactly!

The only reason I'd suck it up (it was me who posted that) is because the OP has put up with what he's landed on her up to now. If she'd said something previously I wouldn't. So as the SDCs are looking forward to it I would. But boy would I mean it when I said never again.
Howshouldibehave · 10/08/2021 21:50

What’s been decided, @Lordye?!

CakeandGo · 10/08/2021 21:50

I was literally crying to him not 2 days ago because of how knackered I am from a build up of sleepless nights with the baby
YANBU, I’d be fuming. I’m not a natural entertainer, hostess etc. I find having other people’s children in the house quite stressful. You are responsible for them regardless of age. Can’t relax. Can’t nap when the baby does etc. etc.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/08/2021 21:56

Fuck's sake.

I have been the person to offer a sleepover before now - and that was in full knowledge of what it would probably entail. I was right, too - children still awake at 2.45am and finally finding one of them when it finally went quiet at 4.30am, asleep head first in the cat's bed.

He obviously hasn't ever done a sleepover himself. So it's time for him to learn - he is responsible for them ALL night until they go to sleep. And then gets to go to work at 7am.

He won't do it a second time.

HotPenguin · 10/08/2021 22:00

Your DH clearly doesn't give a shit about you. I hope you refused and made him cancel.

amitoooldforthisshit · 10/08/2021 22:05

stop treading on egg shells put your foot down and say no way, you are pregnant which puts you at slight covid risk, and these children are not going to be vaccinated, and will have been mixing with god knows who, its just a bad idea

skodadoda · 10/08/2021 22:18

@amitoooldforthisshit

stop treading on egg shells put your foot down and say no way, you are pregnant which puts you at slight covid risk, and these children are not going to be vaccinated, and will have been mixing with god knows who, its just a bad idea
She’s had the baby. She’s exhausted.
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/08/2021 22:20

God l would be fucking livid if my dh did this.

SpindleWhorl · 10/08/2021 22:26

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

God l would be fucking livid if my dh did this.
Yep.
FairFuming · 10/08/2021 22:32

You probably don't want to hear this but my Ex LOVED volunteering me to do extra work looking after the DSC even when I had 2 under 2 of my own. I've recently left and life is so much easierm

phishy · 10/08/2021 22:37

@FairFuming what a twat! Did you put a stop to it whilst you were together? If yes how?

LakieLady · 10/08/2021 22:44

@BorderlineHappy

Can you not leave the baby with him as well. Let him realise what sleepless nights entail. Go to your friends and get some sleep. Leave your dh to it. After all it's easy.
I was thinking that, but thought I might get shouted down if I suggested it. Grin

Looks like a great excuse for a nice long bath in a big hotel bath, followed by a nice long sleep in a big, comfy hotel bed to me. He made the arrangement, he needs to experience the consequences imo!

lastcall · 10/08/2021 22:47

Just tell him he's going to have to stay home and watch his kids and their friends tomorrow because you're beyond knackered and won't have it all dumped on you so he can be the 'hero' while you do the grunt work in this state.

What an arsehole.

Iwonder08 · 10/08/2021 22:51

OP, you are not going to be a witch. He is. He either stays home and looks after them or he tells them to cancel.
Standing up for yourself is very important, by not doing so you are creating a dangerous precedent

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 10/08/2021 22:54

Say no. Tell him why, tell him that if you want someone to do you a favour (adding 2 extra kids is a favour) the polite thing to do is ask, so you can politely decline.

Flip it on their dad, tell them you cant watch 5 kids on your own, you had plans and that daddy has to be here to help, he knows this. He isn't so it has to be re arranged.

JacquelineCarlyle · 10/08/2021 23:04

@Closetbeanmuncher

You can say no and you should. By not saying no, you’re giving him the green light to pull this shit again. Stand up for yourself!

Agree wholeheartedly with this. You shouldn't have to teach a grown man basic consideration and respect.

I wouldn't be sticking around trying to correct repeated piss poor behaviour by dishing out borderline passive aggressive 'lessons'

Your health and energy levels are the priority here. You need to look out for yourself OP, no fucker else is clearly!

Say no.

Completely agree with this - you need to say no now and mean it or you'll forever be put in this situation. Go stay somewhere else and leave him to it.
MiddlesexGirl · 10/08/2021 23:08

Usually 8&10 with a friend each will entertain themselves

Thus may be your experience but it was certainly never mine. My usually calm and placid kids would be whipped into a frenzy of hyped up over excitement. They'd be up into the early hours, raring to go again at 6am and would behave much worse than usual in a display of bravado at worst or just plain ignorance at best in front of their friends.
I limited to once a year per child until they were mature enough to act with a bit more respect.

Yanbu OP. Hope you get through tonight/tomorrow and then put your foot down.

magicalmama · 11/08/2021 00:10

If you can, go and stay at a friend's tonight with the baby.

If that's not possible, get up early and go out at 6am and don't come back til he's already due back from work. If he wakes up when you do, tell him you have to pop out for air or something. Then just disappear and tell him your plans changed, baby's restless and you'll be gone for the day and back in the evening.

Then switch off your phone or set it to aeroplane mode. Good luck to him.

Milliepossum · 11/08/2021 00:42

Don’t do it OP, they’re his kids and his problem. Go to a friend’s house for the day so you and the baby can sleep.

Original poster
Lordye · 11/08/2021 07:08

Sorry for the silence last night, was a bit crazy with baby who I think is teething 🥴

I ended up ringing him not long after the thread and said he'd have to cancel it and rearrange it for the weekend when he was here. He protested a bit, probably because he felt embarrassed he'd have to contact their parents at short notice but he did it anyway and they are staying at weekend instead when he's off work (and I'll probably bugger off to my mum's whilst they are here too for some peace!)

We spoke about it last night and I told him not to ever pull that again and expect me to deal with it, especially without speaking to me first. I told him I was upset tbat I felt be didn't consider me at all considering he knows how tired I am. He apparently 'didnt think it would be that bad' but anyway... it's done now.

OP posts: