‘We didn’t bring you up to have a cleaner’

[Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit]

What does this mean?

I have two amazing cleaning ladies who come for 4 hours every fortnight. They do what I call ‘The big clean’ the whole house, dusting, bathroom, windows, kitchen, hoover, mop, oven, fridge etc. In between this time I do the loos, kitchen everyday and hoover & mop a couple of times (stone tile floors)
I HATE cleaning, I have a toddler and work part time, I cook lots and don’t mind it, but cleaning isn’t my thing.
I’d rather pay money for cleaners and forgo a new outfit or a meal out, that’s how much I dislike it 🤣it’s impossible to do it with Dd around, plus I’d rather spend time with her than breaking my back cleaning.
Today, my mum said ‘We didn’t bring you up to have a cleaner’ she then began to list how she’d do the bathrooms one day, the downstairs the next etc etc..fine, but I don’t want to spend every day cleaning. She also said how she had 3 kids, not 1 🙄
I said how I’d rather spend some money on cleaners so we can enjoy our weekends in the sun (live abroad) and relax, rather than buying myself loads of new clothes or getting my eyebrows done etc (things she and my sister spend a fair amount on)
AIBU to have cleaners?!

Yanbu!!! Did your mum work outside the home?

No yanbu, but cut your mum some slack it’s a cultural shift and your life is now different to hers.

I wouldn’t bother justifying yourself to her. It’s a nonsense thing to say, I would just reply ‘I’m glad you enjoyed cleaning, I don’t.’

Is she always rude like that? She shouldn’t be tearing down your choices, it’s a harmless and normal thing. I would definitely have a cleaner if we could afford it!

No, your money, your circus. (I think that's what people say on here)

Tell her that was her choice. And you’ve made yours.

Your not unreasonable at all to have a cleaner, you’re helping local businesses by employing a cleaner.

Crack on and ignore your mother, who sounds like she’s suffering from martyr complex.

No but fortunately you did bring me up to be able to afford to have one and therefore I do.

"Yes, and the best bit of being all grown up now is thst I make my own choices."

My mum got very angsty with me when I disagreed with her about something covid related last year. I wasn't allowed to disagree as a teen. I was standing my ground, and she was appealing to my dad to "settle" the discussion, and I just said, "You know, we don't have to agree. Nothing will happen if we don't."

But she was so fixed on the idea that we had to agree that she went to great contortions to suggest that her opinion was actually just the same as mine.

Some parents find it impossible to detach their children from their own identity.

Missing the point of the thread but: Do you live in a mansion? 8 hours cleaning every 2 weeks is a heck of a lot

YANBU

and the whole thing is ridiculous.
you should tell them that they did bring you up to be able to be in a position to pay for cleaners.

do they always enjoy being martyrs or just when it comes to you?

None of her business! Being your mum, and having brought you up, doesn’t give her the right to dictate your adult choices.

As it happens I agree with you! I’d much rather spend the money and have more time to spend with my dc - I’m working when they’re at school!

I would love to have a cleaner, even though I have time to do it myself. I hate it. One day!

Also, though, do you have a (male) partner? Why is it assumed that you are the employer of the cleaners, not him, or the household as a unit? Because cleaning is your domain for some reason?

@TeapotCollection Sorry, no it’s 2 hrs per fortnight, but there’s 2 cleaners, so 4 hours breaking in total. One lady does the whole of downstairs in two hours, the other lady all the upstairs in two hours. Defo not a mansion!

*Cleaning, not breaking 🤷🏻‍♀️

@AppleKatie

No yanbu, but cut your mum some slack it’s a cultural shift and your life is now different to hers.

Cut her slack for being judgemental? Why?

I work as a cleaner alongside my main job, and I bloody HATE cleaning 😅 I'm absolutely fine cleaning for other people, but I'd love my own cleaner as I loathe housework.

YANBU OP!

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

No, your money, your circus. (I think that's what people say on here)

@TheLeadbetterLife I do, but I assume because I’ve only been part time since the birth of Dd, he’s full time 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ve said to him, do we have cleaners or spend four hours on a Saturday doing the big clean ourselves, with a toddler running around…him upstairs, me downstairs for example..he very swiftly agreed 🤣

My mum would have a fit too if I had a cleaner. Pretty much all of my childhood memories feature her on her knees scrubbing the floor and then being all passive aggressive about having to do it herself.

I don’t have a cleaner. I don’t have time to scrub floors all day either. So whenever my mum comes round, she has a fit about the fact that my house isn’t spotless instead.

You can’t win.

Explain to her that you value cleaning, and cleaning done well, and that's why you pay someone to do it.

As a mum to an adult daughter, I am DELIGHTED that my daughter has a cleaner. Why would your num prefer the thought of her child spending all her time cleaning rather than doing other things she enjoys. Surely we bring our children up in the hope that they are happy and fulfilled when they become adults??

I feel as though she sees it as sort of lazy, but I cook every meal from scratch (enjoy doing it) we grew up in oven dinners mainly, and that’s fine, her effort was put more into that, mine is more our nutrition 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s also a pride thing too I think? She said she could ‘Never’ do it as she’d be cleaning around the house first..which I also get, but I’ve gone beyond that, the cleaners are excellent, get paid well for where we are and I love them! 🤣

In my background (NW UK - millworker background) it was seen as shameful to have a cleaner. People would comment if you hadn't donkey stoned your front step on a Monday morning, or if your nets were grubby, or you hadn't put your washing out on the right day. My mum was a raving feminist (as am I) but felt that you should be proud of your house and possessions and want to keep it clean.

I don't have a cleaner, as I don't mind cleaning. I also don't have a cleaner because to do a good job the house has to be tidy, and mine rarely is!

Internalised misogyny, cleaning is a woman's work. I bet she wouldn't say anything if your dh got a cleaner because you couldn't do it for some reason.

@Holly60 I know 🤷🏻‍♀️My dad said ‘But wouldn’t you prefer to spend that on a meal out’ no, I really wouldn’t 😅the drudgery of it all plus cooking, working, toddler life is too much. Don’t mind staying in more.

Have to say, it’s very common where we are, majority of houses on the street have cleaners and lots with gardeners too (normal street and houses) it’s possibly a lot cheaper than the U.K. so might be thinking I’m being extravagant? What’s the average hourly rate in the U.K.? I pay total €80 a month