If you are a MIL who overstepped boundaries

[crikey456]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about MIL's upsetting their DIL's. A lot of the posts are about MIL's overstepping the boundaries with newborns. I am trying to find MIL's who realise maybe years later that they did overstep boundaries and maybe the reasons why.

When I had my first baby my MIL suddenly had no respect for me. She turned up unannounced on a daily basis, often with friends. We would be mid dinner and she would apologise but make no attempt to leave. She would criticise me parenting. She would book us in to go and see her family members of a weekend to essentially show off the baby. It was almost like she was trying to be in control of our lives. She bought a xmas outfit for my Daughter and told me that's what she should wear for Xmas day. When around family members, she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers. She ignored anything I asked her to do e.g milk at certain times and she would make a point of telling me she had done it differently. I once recall her telling me I was very good to let her look after her as I don't know the way she does things. Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

If you are a MIL who realises now that you overstepped certain boundaries when your DIL first had a baby, what do you think the reasons were looking back?

I can't tell you because I'm not a MIL. However, I can say how I saw my own mother reacted becoming a MIL. She was beside her self with excitement over an new grandchild but somewhat on that back foot because my SIL isn't her daughter and couldn't just push her way in without treading on toes. Although I think she did but became incredibly defensive at the same time. Thankfully things settled down but I did see tears...I was surprised because I couldn't believe she was so adamant on pushing her way in. She had been very easy going. But again she was incredibly excited at the new grandchild. I think people genuinely do find it difficult to negotiate and are unprepared for the emotions they feel.

It was awkward when I'd just had my own child to be frank. Again incredibly excited. Would pick them up when they slept for example. Not really interested in helping with the practical boring stuff. Loved playing with them, reading to them etc. But that was in contrast to my own MIL who was a bit disinterested. Was the youngest grandchild so she'd seen it all. I think I preferred the enthusiasm, just..

I think new borns turn new grandparents slightly doolally. There are no studies into this but I’m sure that even the most laid back people when they turn into a grandparent changes something inside them.

MIL came to see our baby, insisted on staying a fortnight, didn’t move, insisted things were brought to her, complained about food, complained about take aways then insisted on eating something else, didn’t bring clothes for the duration instead brought 2 outfits so her clothes had to be washed every other day etc. I’d had a csection. My own mother seemed to be suffering her own delayed ptsd with issues surrounding my birth ie 39 years previously! They are both normally sane.

Some MIL confuse their DIL with their own child in the way they behave, instead of treating them like a vague neighbour...

In term of boundaries, if you wouldn't do it with someone you barely know, don't do it with your DIL. She is not not your daughter, you have no right over the baby whatsoever, your DIL and son are entitled to respect, privacy and at least to be ASKED (and offered some help).

Simple concept that goes way above some heads unfortunately

Like a PP I am not a MIL myself but have witnessed the contrasting behaviours of my own DM when I had DC first, and my DB and SIL after me. She is very critical and hands off with SIL and DN, she has complained to me about certain things SIL has done that I know I did too when my DC was a baby! She will complain to DB about SIL, even though he always tells SIL everything, and she knows that but can’t seem to stop herself. It is strange and fascinating because she is nothing like that with me and DH! All I can think is that it’s a subconscious way of keeping distance between herself and her DIL. I am very thankful that my own MIL is very nice!

My DS is my MIL’s 11th grandchild, but his birth seems to have caused some strange psychosis in her because all the others are at least ten years older, DH is MIL’s youngest child, she wasn’t expecting another grandchild because DH had married a chilly careerist who was more interested in her PhD than pumping out babies like a proper DIL, and his arrival coincided with some sense of her grip as matriarch of the extended family slipping. Hence some completely mad incidents like her actually grabbing newborn DS out of my arms to pose, blazing with the pride of an Olympian on the podium, for a lengthy series of photos the first time she saw him, and having them bound into a princely album embossed in gold with GRANNY’s LATEST ARRIVAL, in which I don’t think I appeared at all.

I suppose that if your entire identity comes from being ruler of the family (eldest of twelve children, five of her own, lots of grandchildren, nephews, nieces, grand nephews and nieces etc) and you feel that slipping away, it does strange things to you? With a side order of never much liking me, because I’m so unlike her own daughters and other DILs. With whom I get on very well, but who all have at least three children, gave up work after the first was born, and consult her a lot.

I quite like her myself, but I have about fifty times her imagination, and am thus able to see that there are different ways to live.

@grasstreeleaf I hadn't thought of it from that angle, but that makes so much sense!

It must be incredibly difficult for a MIL to work out their "place" when their Son and DIL have their first baby. I suppose it is a completely new dynamic and if the MIL & DIL don't necessarily have a close relationship then it would be hard to work out what is acceptable behaviour.

I think a big issue with my MIL at the time was that she wanted us to bring up our Daughter in exactly the same way that she had raised her children. I think she wanted us to have the same values as her. She is very, very family oriented and she would be the one to arrange family meetings pretty much on a weekly basis. Her son and Daughter knew they had to attend the gatherings every weekend or their Mum would be annoyed. I think she struggled with the fact that we didn't want to attend every single family catch up and that things were suddenly changing.

I hadn't thought that it might be they were unprepared for how they would feel about the new dynamic within the family.

I think a lot of women go a bit power hungry after having babies to be honest and start blatently building the baby’s relationship with their side of the family at the expense of the Dad’s, ignoring really bad behaviour from their side, but will poke holes out of every tiny interaction they have with their Mil.

Yes, I remember my SIL giving a list of routines, probably similar to what she was asked for at nursery but my DM was again in the back foot. She knew how to look after children. I remember the same with my own DS when I warned her of the latest trick he'd learnt. She ignored me and had a very difficult time indeed when she offered to look after him so i could have a haircut! She took him to her workplace to show him off but ended up with a full on tantrum on her hands! I think it is difficult, though, if you're not used to your children giving you the 'heads up' on something,

It's such a fine line between wanting to be helpful and not overstepping the mark. You don't want to be thought of as a nuisance or uninterested. Its hard to negotiate the right path especially if you don't know your dil closely.

@alltheemptyfields

Some MIL confuse their DIL with their own child in the way they behave, instead of treating them like a vague neighbour...

In term of boundaries, if you wouldn't do it with someone you barely know, don't do it with your DIL. She is not not your daughter, you have no right over the baby whatsoever, your DIL and son are entitled to respect, privacy and at least to be ASKED (and offered some help).

Simple concept that goes way above some heads unfortunately

Gosh! I’m glad you are not my daughter in law! Entitled to help..

I hope when my 3 boys get married I won't be treated as a vague neighbour ..... And I certainly won't treat their partners as vague neighbours ....

Pottedpalm

you completely misunderstood..

I wrote being ASKED - before "helping"
and yes, if you are a decent MIL or any normal relative, you offer...

How many thread of MIL demanding to see the baby, demanding the "cuddle" many MIL seem to think they are entitled to, demanding a cup of tea.... Who does that!

You don't have to, but if you are expecting to have some weird right on the baby but not interested or helpful towards their mother, why do you think they should be interested in you exactly?

@alltheemptyfields

Some MIL confuse their DIL with their own child in the way they behave, instead of treating them like a vague neighbour...

In term of boundaries, if you wouldn't do it with someone you barely know, don't do it with your DIL. She is not not your daughter, you have no right over the baby whatsoever, your DIL and son are entitled to respect, privacy and at least to be ASKED (and offered some help).

Simple concept that goes way above some heads unfortunately

Let me get this straight you think the woman's mother has rights to the baby that a MIL doesn't?!

The DIL is just a vague neighbour to the MIL and yet MIL should offer help but wait to be asked though.

That's so selfish and nasty

@SeasonFinale

I hope when my 3 boys get married I won't be treated as a vague neighbour ..... And I certainly won't treat their partners as vague neighbours ....

in term of boundaries and expectations, you should.

Why do you think your neighbours deserve more respect and privacy and than your own DIL?

How many thread of MIL demanding to see the baby, demanding the "cuddle" many MIL seem to think they are entitled to

You think a MIL has no right to cuddle their grandchild. Their sons child?

The woman's mother does though?

Wow.

Let me get this straight you think the woman's mother has rights to the baby that a MIL doesn't?!

you cannot compare the relationship between a mother and her daughter, and a MIL. So don't expect the same.

And the mistake many MIL make, is expecting to have rights over the baby, while bypassing completely the baby's mother...

Best way to start resentment and a very cold relationship.

Ultimately, it's the MIL who will moan they don't hear from the family, don't see them at Christmas, they don't get invited for holidays, don't see much of the baby... It's a choice.

I think people forget that the DIL has just given birth and all they care about is the new baby! And whilst this can happen on both sides of a family it's alot easier to tell your own mum to do one that it is to tell your husbands mum as you are likely to offend so the DIL builds up a resentment to the MIL etc

Why do you think your neighbours deserve more respect and privacy and than your own DIL?

Why do you not think your own daughters deserve respect and privacy and why don't you leave them alone with their husband and baby?

Treat your own daughter as a vague neighbour as maybe the husband who is not your son wants respect and privacy from his MIL

You think a MIL has no right to cuddle their grandchild. Their sons child?

I think a woman who just had a baby has rights to be left alone to recover and to choose when she is ready to see visitors. It might be 2 hours post birth, it might be 3 days.

MIL who believe they have a right to anything to the baby without any respect for the mother need to learn some manners and common sense.

Why do you not think your own daughters deserve respect and privacy and why don't you leave them alone with their husband and baby?

daughers can talk to their own mother much more easily, tell them to back off, and more importantly, a woman is much more comfortable being seen at a weakest by her own mother than the MIL who is not a relative!

Women shouldn't have to even tell their MIL to leave them alone (via their husband, they should be the ones talking to their overbearing mummy).
Generally speaking...

@alltheemptyfields

Pottedpalm

you completely misunderstood..

I wrote being ASKED - before "helping"
and yes, if you are a decent MIL or any normal relative, you offer...

How many thread of MIL demanding to see the baby, demanding the "cuddle" many MIL seem to think they are entitled to, demanding a cup of tea.... Who does that!

You don't have to, but if you are expecting to have some weird right on the baby but not interested or helpful towards their mother, why do you think they should be interested in you exactly?

I didn’t misunderstand. You wrote that the DIL is entitled to be offered help, but treated as a vague neighbour.

Treat your own daughter as a vague neighbour as maybe the husband who is not your son wants respect and privacy from his MIL

the husband is not the one who just popped a baby out, naturally or via invasive surgery. It's the one occasion where he's got no voice on the subject.

I didn’t misunderstand. You wrote that the DIL is entitled to be offered help, but treated as a vague neighbour.

I said treated with the same respect, and boundaries, than you would offer a neighbour. If you would find something rude, or intrusive towards a neighbour, don't impose it on your DIL.

Most women can talk, if they want to see you they invite you.
Easier than trying to tell you to back off and go away, and no they can't make you a cup of tea while you are having a "cuddle"

daughers can talk to their own mother much more easily

I utterly disagree. My mum would guilt trip me for so bloody much and say back to me and say well I never had any of that.

I'd rather talk to my partner about my post birth issues than my mum...🤮

Maybe your daughters haven't cut the cord from you yet.