If you are a MIL who overstepped boundaries

[crikey456]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about MIL's upsetting their DIL's. A lot of the posts are about MIL's overstepping the boundaries with newborns. I am trying to find MIL's who realise maybe years later that they did overstep boundaries and maybe the reasons why.

When I had my first baby my MIL suddenly had no respect for me. She turned up unannounced on a daily basis, often with friends. We would be mid dinner and she would apologise but make no attempt to leave. She would criticise me parenting. She would book us in to go and see her family members of a weekend to essentially show off the baby. It was almost like she was trying to be in control of our lives. She bought a xmas outfit for my Daughter and told me that's what she should wear for Xmas day. When around family members, she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers. She ignored anything I asked her to do e.g milk at certain times and she would make a point of telling me she had done it differently. I once recall her telling me I was very good to let her look after her as I don't know the way she does things. Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

If you are a MIL who realises now that you overstepped certain boundaries when your DIL first had a baby, what do you think the reasons were looking back?

Pottedpalm

again, because it seems to be a hard concept for you...

if you give your DIL the same amount of politeness, respect, privacy and boundaries that "any vague neighbour", because why on earth wouldn't you?

you won't be the dreaded MIL from hell.

I think a woman who just had a baby has rights to be left alone to recover and to choose when she is ready to see visitors. It might be 2 hours post birth, it might be 3 days.

MIL who believe they have a right to anything to the baby without any respect for the mother need to learn some manners and common sense.

I think generally the difference is that the new mother's mother is concerend about her child, who has just given birth, not just the new baby and is more sensitive. The MIL is all about the baby.

As with all MIL issues I think it boils down to a DP issue. If he has your back and is willing to step up to create the relationship between MIL and GC then as a DIL you aren't going to feel like MIL is nagging etc.

Why is it always assumed that it is DIL job to facilitate the relationship between MIL and GC?

Just be respectful of each other's boundaries and then it should all be good and that does mean not just turning up when baby has arrived unless you already had that open door type of relationship.

renting some woman’s womb

of all the offensive way to describe adoption, I don't think I'll ever hear worst even on this forum.

Disgusting doesn't cover it, but it gives you an idea of the nastiness some people come up when they can't get what they think is "theirs by right".

In theory, I think both sets of grandparents should have the same opportunities to bond with their grandchildren. However for me, the fact my mother was very much focused on me after I gave birth meant that I wanted her around a lot more than my mother-in-law who was all about the baby and didn't ever enquire about how I was doing or how I was feeling. My mother-in-law is a great grandmother but she's really shown very little interest in me as a new mother and that's what makes me very much turn to my own mother. I have said to myself many times that should I be a mil, I will make every effort to make my dil feel important too and make sure I don't bypass her and just focus on grandchildren.

@alltheemptyfields

renting some woman’s womb

of all the offensive way to describe adoption, I don't think I'll ever hear worst even on this forum.

Disgusting doesn't cover it, but it gives you an idea of the nastiness some people come up when they can't get what they think is "theirs by right".

I didn’t say anything about adoption. You are the one who is being offensive.

@alltheemptyfields

Why do you not think your own daughters deserve respect and privacy and why don't you leave them alone with their husband and baby?

daughers can talk to their own mother much more easily, tell them to back off, and more importantly, a woman is much more comfortable being seen at a weakest by her own mother than the MIL who is not a relative!

Women shouldn't have to even tell their MIL to leave them alone (via their husband, they should be the ones talking to their overbearing mummy).
Generally speaking...

Wow....your family must be really weird if you don’t consider a MIL a relative... your comments are very odd....glad my family are not like you

My mil drove me crazy with my first and her first grandchild - was very intense and would turn up unannounced and was quite manipulative and used a bit of emotional blackmail to dh and not very considerate of my feelings and boundaries.
However I do think there is something hormonally as a new mum that makes you a bit resentful of your mother in law unless you're particularly close and I think it's hard for them to get it right .It's definitely an emotional tightrope for extended family and I have seen the other side and know paternal grannies who have been so upset at being second fiddle to maternal grandparents ( I work with a lot of mums of grown up sons)

Not a mil.either yet but I have three sons so God help me!

Mil.was ok with her first grandchild when he was a NB to be fair. I think she did want me to bow down to what dh said and what she wanted as pfb got older. But I do think my mil has never ever had anyone sit her down and talk about boundaries about anything in life.

I once told her that I didnt agree with what dh wanted to do re parenting so she shock me hard and dragged pfb off to bed.

Rule 1 might be dont get physical with your dil and gc if you want to stay on good terms. There needs to be more open Frank conversations about expectations on both sides but respecting the gc isnt your child.

Pretty hard if MIL.is the matriarch and sees her role as head of the family I think. That's fine IF you hear that your not always right.

Also in my situation my dh would and still never would have my back. So if she was right, his silence confirmed it leaving me trampled all over.

PinkTonic
you can try to back-track now, but everyone has read your offensive post.

Interesting side post, on a thread titled "overstepping boundaries".

My experience has been pretty positive. My dil and I will never be best buddies but her children have brought us together. She’s really softened with motherhood and loves that I love her babies. I think it helps that I respect her boundaries - and have followed instructions not to buy pink for my granddaughter, unlike her other granny!

A newborn doesn't care. A newborn doesn't need anyone but his own parents.

Grand-parents have months, years to bond with their grand-children.

It's so weird that there's a competition over the first "cuddle", likely made worst with social media and the first photo of the first person who is having that first "cuddle" and the idea from some that there is a right over a baby.

You'd think someone who has given birth herself would recognise the physical need to rest and bond with your own baby and that the decision belongs to the woman who has just got through childbirth.

Why should your MIL even have to be in the picture at all until you are ready? Again, it can take 2 hours, it can take longer, every mother is different.

It's such a strange dynamic when you read all these threads where the mother actually doesn't count and it's all about grabbing the baby
(baby who just wants his mum!)

@alltheemptyfields

PinkTonic you can try to back-track now, but everyone has read your offensive post.

Interesting side post, on a thread titled "overstepping boundaries".

'Renting a womb' is a phrase often used when talking about surrogacy, it's nothing to do with adoption.

I have a fab MIL. She has never pushed her way. I enjoy her company and she has been very helpful to me over the years. She's quite insecure (my DHs Dad ran off with his secretary when DH and DSIL were teenagers) so she needs a fair few morale boosting talks even now. But I always make sure she comes to stay regularly. She's never imposed herself on me so I make sure she is regularly invited.

My experience with my MIL isn't really overstepping boundaries in the typical way. She's a weird person. Doesn't message or ask after us but then seems to expect we meet up for a formal catch up at the drop of a hat. She moaned at DD's first birthday party that they won't be able to just stop by and see her in the week now that I am going back to work. Well in a whole year, they came by once...lockdown hasn't been that restrictive and they live half an hour away. As a result they aren't at the top of mine or DH's priority list to spend time with when we are off.

As my mil always observed boundaries so do I. Visit when asked and follow mums rules. I have often visited and they are shattered. Sent parents to bed looked after baby cleaned the kitchen
Prepared dinner for them and left them to eat it
Never interfer in any parenting decisions. It has worked so far.

PinkTonic A DM is likely to have emotional leverage and an inherent authority over a DD which she does not have over a DIL, even if she doesn't exercise that authority. That's the difference.

It seems to happen so often I honestly think it must be a common reaction to realizing a certain period of your life is over and you'll never be front and center or needed in the same way. There's probably a name for it like First Grandparent Syndrome.

Some grandmothers seem to think a GC is chance to play mum again. I have a neighbour who was fairly absent when her son was growing up (her words). Literally lost her mind when DIL was pregnant. Redecorated and reorganised with each GC (3) for them to come and stay all time. They don’t ever come to stay. I think this has something to do with the fact she forces them to sleep in her bed with her though. She definitely thought she would get a newborn for weekends.

My own MIL gave zero fucks about DD but though it was a good opportunity to criticise me and try and tell me what to do constantly.

I adore my MIL. We live overseas and when DS1 arrived, my parents flew out first when he was 3 weeks old (for 2 weeks), then a quick 3 day changeover and then my MiL and her friend came for 2 weeks, followed by FIL for 2 weeks.

My MIL was wonderful, so respectful and well meaning. Kept fridge/freezer stocked etc, made lunch/dinners. I was probably the overbearing DIL because I was so intent on making her feel comfortable that I would just hand the baby over to her in the morning so I could shower and drink my tea!

I had a pretty easy time of it with DS1 and wanted her to feel comfortable so was happy to see her build a bond with her first grand baby.
When they left she gave me the most beautiful card thanking me for allowing her to spend quality time with her grandson even though she understood how it can sometimes feel awkward as she is my MiL is not my mum. She’s bloody lovely though and I love her very much and really appreciated her efforts not to piss us off!

I can see how, if you’re over excited as a new grandparent and have an assumed close relationship with your son and DIL, that you can come across as overbearing. I expect a lot of it is forgetting that a new, separate family has been created who need to set their own terms. I expect a lot of MILs just see a new baby as an extension of their own family and forget that it’s a new family in its own right.

But these are usually the same women who are either overbearing in their lives generally and expect the world to revolve around them, or women who never appreciated that their children do not belong to them and have grown into adults themselves. They still see their adult children as their babies and feel it gives them the right to interject or try and “help”.

Nannyamc
you sound lovely.

People always seem to focus on the rights of the MIL to the baby. It's not about the baby, it's not a possession to be shared equally. It's not buying an xbox for your two kids and one complaining that the other isn't sharing.
A woman has had a baby, of course she's going to move towards her own mother. The woman who raised her. Rather than a woman that she barely knows.
It's like complaining that she's spending more time with her own friends than her DHs friends.
MIL may be equally blood related to the baby but she isn't equally related to the mother who inevitably is usually the primary carer and who is usually feeling pretty vulnerable after the experience of giving birth.

Interesting thread!

My MIL definitely didn’t care about my awful first birth, which was traumatic and where I nearly died. My mum did.

My MIL was a lone parent with an only child (and ongoing mental health struggles), so up till the point of our having children, I understood that she had a very intense one on one relationship with DH and made space accordingly, because why wouldn’t I. I wasn’t best pleased when she cried because DH was “abandoning her” by getting married, the night before our wedding and in front of my family, but that gives a flavour of what she can be like.

Once we had kids she was very emotionally needy and we struggled to draw boundaries - probably because she felt that for the first time in her life, DH couldn’t always be available to her. I do empathise with that, but I didn’t have time or energy to deal with the fallout of it when I was adapting to new motherhood with zero support and a very difficult first year. I was probably more defensive of my boundaries because she constantly disrespected them.

I respect my MIL and I would have dearly loved for us to get on, as she lives much nearer than my own mum. I got on really well with my previous MIL too, and i spent years trying really hard to get on with this one before she made it clear that she was never going to like me. That’s why I get really upset when I see DIL-bashing on here - I really did try and it was only when she called me “a shit mother and a shit wife” in front of my 5yo that I had enough.

When I’m a MIL I’ll actually try to get on with my DiL - like my mum who learnt SIL’s language (although SIL speaks beautiful English) and forged a friendship with her mum.

@Nannyamc

As my mil always observed boundaries so do I. Visit when asked and follow mums rules. I have often visited and they are shattered. Sent parents to bed looked after baby cleaned the kitchen Prepared dinner for them and left them to eat it Never interfer in any parenting decisions. It has worked so far.

I had the same experience with my MIL - she was always a magnificent support, and we had a very good relationship. My own DM, although she obviously loved me and the GC’s, really wasn’t interested in helping out. I have super DIL’s, and I know how much they appreciated the support I was able to provide in terms of childcare. I never ever gave unsolicited advice (and even if I was asked, I encouraged them to ask friends, as things had changed since my baby days), and never turned up uninvited. I wouldn’t do that to anyone to be honest; it’s just rude. Life shouldn’t be a competition, at any stage, and especially not over GC’s. Treat people as you would like to be treated, don’t make comparisons, just be a decent human being.

But maybe I feel that way because my mum who had been so excited and helpful during my pregnancy came to my house with a cooked dinner and told me what an amazing job I was doing and waited at least half an hour if not longer before asking if she could possibly have a hold after I'd fed and winded him. MIL walked in and told me to give her my baby while we made her dinner.