If you are a MIL who overstepped boundaries

[crikey456]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about MIL's upsetting their DIL's. A lot of the posts are about MIL's overstepping the boundaries with newborns. I am trying to find MIL's who realise maybe years later that they did overstep boundaries and maybe the reasons why.

When I had my first baby my MIL suddenly had no respect for me. She turned up unannounced on a daily basis, often with friends. We would be mid dinner and she would apologise but make no attempt to leave. She would criticise me parenting. She would book us in to go and see her family members of a weekend to essentially show off the baby. It was almost like she was trying to be in control of our lives. She bought a xmas outfit for my Daughter and told me that's what she should wear for Xmas day. When around family members, she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers. She ignored anything I asked her to do e.g milk at certain times and she would make a point of telling me she had done it differently. I once recall her telling me I was very good to let her look after her as I don't know the way she does things. Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

If you are a MIL who realises now that you overstepped certain boundaries when your DIL first had a baby, what do you think the reasons were looking back?

My mil was an overstepper when we first had DD, we never said anything to her as she was just very excited, however as soon as DD turned one (and was very obviously different to NT children) she went the complete opposite and has limited contact with us relating to dd. I try and not let it bother me too much, as I know that dd can be hard work.

I hope that if I ever become a mil, I will find that right balance. I'm also aware as a mother of a daughter the odds are probably more in my favour than that of a mother of sons.

I'm only a step-MIL, but DIL's actual MIL had to be told in no uncertain terms to back off.

DIL had a terrible labour, was planning a home birth but ended up having an emergency CS after nearly 48 hours. MIL was waiting at the hospital and insisted on seeing mother and baby practically the minute they'd stitched DIL up. She continued in similar vein, rocking up at their house at least daily and sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, frequently pissed. They had to have a really stern word with her in the end, rationed her to 2 visits a week and refused to let her in unless she was sober.

When DIL and DSS split up she started in "popping in to check you're ok" at DIL's until DIL just stopped answering the door to her. She sees DGD only when she's with DSS now.

I'm not a MIL myself, but I have an amazing MIL who can occasionally do things that piss me off. As does my own mother. For the most part there's no issue, and the issues that do arise are small. With my Mum myself and DH will bitch about her annoyingness and if necessary I'll mention something to my Mum before it becomes a major issue.
With his Mum if we bitch about her annoyingness (rare, she's not as annoying as mine) it stresses DH out and I'll get 'what do you expect me to to about it'. Erm...if necessary, talk to her like a normal person without falling out. But he won't/doesn't. Is also incapable of talking about something without it turning into an argument, so I'd rather he didn't anyway mostly. I don't feel it's my place to say anything to her, but I will if it's about the safety of the kids. E.g. I'll ask if they've got sunscreen on (not unheard of for the other GC to get sunburnt) but even though I know the answer is probably yes, and I know it annoys her when I ask things like that (as if I'm saying she's not capable), I ask anyway. Because they're my kids, and I'll ask if I want to. I'd ask my Mum too. I wouldn't forgive myself if I hesitated to ask something and they got hurt.

Recent example. MIL has the kids a few days a week. I am extremely grateful for the help and do not feel I can complain or question the situation. She wants to have them and doesn't want them in nursery/other childcare. But she keeps dropping them home 15-20 mins early, when I'm still working. It was bad enough when it was finishing time on the dot and I didn't have time to pack up my work stuff etc, but it's getting progressively earlier. I used to pick them up, but I don't think she liked I wasn't there on the dot of finishing time (weak teleporting skills). It's winding me up, and if it was my Mum I'd have said something when it happened a couple of times. DH is well aware but doesn't want to discuss it in case it causes an argument.

So maybe (in my case certainly) it comes from there being no clear boundaries and lack of communication.

I also think that parents are not used to being told what to do and how to behave by their kids, even when they're grown. Sometimes they seem to act out and sulk, a bit like I might if my parents told me what to do now

I put it down to personality rather than Mum vs MIL but when we lived near IL I had to beg DH not to invite MIL over to "help" when he was away and I wasn't well and had the kids - as it was another person to "look" after to cook and clean round.

Yet later nearer my family DMum was a help - on few occaions she could be around - Mum would bring food so we could all easily eat and then let me rest - MIl would expect me to cook and wash up and then she'd often "help" by getting me started on some housework.

I finally got diagnosed and treated and the kids got older so much less an issue.. Though reading here maybe it's an example of being worried about me and GC and just caring about GC influencing the support.

Also, my own mother is fairly well behaved with me. But honestly was bat shit crazy when my brother has his first. God only knows what stories they could tell.
They didn't behave well either, completely excluded my parents (who were very supportive through the pregnancy) and any offers of help but were in the pocket of her parents (who called other members of the family to get them to try to persuade her to abort). But honestly, I really thought my Mum needed medical help.
I'd have to talk her down so many times and she'd then end up not listening to me anyway. Bombard them with nonsense messages and cry all the time if they didn't want to take the sleeping baby out of the car to be woken and cuddled when they'd stopped by to pick something up. She couldn't understand why her offers to look after my nephew were being turned down. Aside from the crazy behaviour, my SIL was on mat leave and didn't need anyone to look after him when she offered. It caused huge problems, and I don't know how the relationship recovered. But it did, and she's been much better behaved with the next - even though she's had to consciously change and watch her own behaviour (she told me this).

@Blossomtoes

Close isn’t the same. I’m very particular about saying exactly what I mean. You should try it.

Delightful. I bet you make a fabulous daughter in law.

Delightful. I bet you make a fabulous daughter in law

We’ll never know, my mil was dead long before I got married. I’m a bloody fabulous mil though! 😂

I don’t think these people ever learn.

My mil was classic controlling manipulative stonewalling matriarch to dh and siblings pre kids. Now she’s like a different person who tries never to put a foot wrong.

Pre kids she was selfish and wanted everything to be about her. Post kids it’s the same..makes out how much she cares for grandkids…I’m sure she does…but then has done that typical overbearing stuff like deliberately withholding or waking from naps to spend more time with them as babies, scooping baby out of mums arms and walking off, keeping dc up well past bedtimes, showing up unannounced because she knows we would likely be too busy at the times she wants to come so easier just to impose then call ahead to arrange a good time to come…

All of these things just smack of selfishness….it’s not about what’s best for dc it’s about what’s best for mil and I think that’s the problem…..these over bearing types are just selfish people who always try to get what they want and care little for anyone else even the children they are so keen to have a relationship with.

Carnivorous spot on.

Such an interesting thread and I'm reading with a tiny bit of trepidation.

I've recently became a GM for the first time this weekend
My DS and DIL have had a short relationship, under one year, but are devoted to each other and make each other so happy.

I have taken a great interest in my DIL pregnancy as I am genuinely interested in her and as I work as a midwife even more so as I am well aware of all the problems that can occur in pregnancy and labour.

I was invited to visit a few hours after the birth. I took supplies of food and drink in as requested. The first person I went to as I entered the room was my DIL to give her a hug and tell her how bloody marvellous she was as had been in latent stage for 48 hrs and we had shared multiple texts giving advice and offering support. That woman is amazing.

I then asked if I could cuddle my GC and it was just perfect I love him as if he has always been here. My DS and DIL have made their own beautiful family now of which I am honoured to be a part of.

I was honoured to be asked to collect them from the hospital to take them home. She has texted me in the middle of the night re feeding and I have offered advice and all seems to be going ok so far.

I will wait to see when they wish to visit us as they live with her parents and I would never ever put pressure on her to bring baby for a visit to our house as she needs to rest and feel comfortable.

They know where we are day or night and we will be there in a heartbeat for them but this is there time settling in as a family getting to know their baby and adjusting to a new life.

I am certainly not jealous that her parents are seeing the new GC why would I??
I am happy in the knowledge that this baby is so loved by so many and, I'm sure it will make our times together all the more special.

A new baby is a miracle the ultimate celebration of life. The new parents need time to adjust to this quite overwhelming event.

We have the rest of our lives to grandparents.

I do think that the MIL vs DIL conflict is often, though not always, a red herring. Like a previous poster said, Husbands often leave it to their wives to manage all the family relationships, instead of drawing appropriate boundaries and communicating with their own bloody mothers.

I know that in my own case, I was painted as a horrible controlling DIL who didn’t do enough to include MIL, but the truth was that my DH didn’t draw appropriate boundaries or tell MIL when she was being out of line - so my “controlling” behaviour was basically me drawing the boundaries that he wouldn’t. She was expecting me to be exactly the same with her, who didn’t like me, respect my boundaries or care about the traumatic birth I’d just had, as I was with my own mum who loved me and acted like it.

@Thedogscollar

Such an interesting thread and I'm reading with a tiny bit of trepidation.

I've recently became a GM for the first time this weekend
My DS and DIL have had a short relationship, under one year, but are devoted to each other and make each other so happy.

I have taken a great interest in my DIL pregnancy as I am genuinely interested in her and as I work as a midwife even more so as I am well aware of all the problems that can occur in pregnancy and labour.

I was invited to visit a few hours after the birth. I took supplies of food and drink in as requested. The first person I went to as I entered the room was my DIL to give her a hug and tell her how bloody marvellous she was as had been in latent stage for 48 hrs and we had shared multiple texts giving advice and offering support. That woman is amazing.

I then asked if I could cuddle my GC and it was just perfect I love him as if he has always been here. My DS and DIL have made their own beautiful family now of which I am honoured to be a part of.

I was honoured to be asked to collect them from the hospital to take them home. She has texted me in the middle of the night re feeding and I have offered advice and all seems to be going ok so far.

I will wait to see when they wish to visit us as they live with her parents and I would never ever put pressure on her to bring baby for a visit to our house as she needs to rest and feel comfortable.

They know where we are day or night and we will be there in a heartbeat for them but this is there time settling in as a family getting to know their baby and adjusting to a new life.

I am certainly not jealous that her parents are seeing the new GC why would I??
I am happy in the knowledge that this baby is so loved by so many and, I'm sure it will make our times together all the more special.

A new baby is a miracle the ultimate celebration of life. The new parents need time to adjust to this quite overwhelming event.

We have the rest of our lives to grandparents.

I wish you were my MIL

I think a key take-away from this thread is that mums of sons should bring them up to be hands-on family men. The main reason MILs have to take a backseat when GC come along is because their DIL is doing the bulk of the childcare and she naturally gravitates towards her own mum, assuming a good relationship.

Of course DIL will always do the bulk of the childcare for the first few months post-partum, but if your son takes shared parental leave and then goes down to 4 days a week along with his wife, so he does 1 day of childcare a week, he will also likely naturally gravitate towards his own parents for help when he has the kids and the MIL will get the same input as the DM.

Just a thought, as I am currently pregnant and DH and I are planning SPL. Although we each get on with our in-laws I have no doubt we will each gravitate towards our own families when off on leave.

The dogs collar I also wish you were my Mil

Mine barely glanced at me as she rushed in and my own dm had died.

Your dil is very lucky @Thedogscollar

@Panickingpavlova
and @Nc123
That is very kind of you.

As a midwife I know how strong women are what they go through in pregnancy and labour. For me they are the star of the show.

Women are amazing our bodies do the ultimate in growing and birthing another human being. This is a monumental achievement. I am always in awe even after all these years.

My mother in law was awful and made me cry a lot when my first and her first GC was born.

After an awful lot of moaning DH many months later told her it's not a great idea to criticize new parents. I think she was pretty shocked that he said anything as he is a man of few words and doesn't do conflict.

I expected a more loving response from my own mother and to be fair she did provide a lot of food and visited but she was so excitable and she would never have snatched the baby but she did say some shocking things.

My mother, for example, kept saying my baby wasn't getting enough nourishment from breastfeeding and things like that. As she's my mother I took it seriously and was very worried.

Bizarrely my father who honestly has been a pretty crap dad was the most emotionally supportive while still maintaining distance because he knows I dislike him. He was the youngest of several siblings and lived with many SILs as he grew up. He recognised poisonous comments from one woman to another and would pounce.

When my mum questioned whether baby was getting enough nutrition he jumped in with 'how come he's growing then'.

When my mum told me off for not rolling over for the many many cruel things my mother in law said he knew I would never keep my child away from his grandparents and encouraged everyone to give me space.

My mother in law has a lovely relationship with my son and I love that he feels loved. She was very happy when I brought her a bed for when she visits. She tries very hard to be supportive.

My mother is back to being reasonable again! Although she does constantly comment on what ds eats!

@Flamglimglubberty

It also boils down to the fact I'll seek parenting advice from my own mum, as she raised me and I'm clearly perfect.

Meanwhile I have to live with the results of MIL's parenting

* Before anyone loses the plot, this is obviously sarcastic *

Haha I love this!! You joke but I think there might be an element of truth. I absolutely loved my MIL but I did used to roll my eyes when her and DH got together. They were so similar that the things that drive me round the bend about DH were just exactly the things that made MIL the proudest (think packing a day bag for literally any and every eventuality even if we were only going out for a coffee) 😂😂😂

@YouJustFoldItIn

Also really interesting that this thread is about MILs specifically. So no woman's mother oversteps boundaries in the same way then.....or perhaps if you are lucky enough to be the mother, not the MIL then the boundaries are very differently drawn for you in the first place.

I have a good relationship with both my MIL and my mother but of course the boundaries are different, just as my husband has different boundaries for his mother and my mother. This is no great revelation or secret - it’s completely natural!

This thread makes me really sad. My own mother was dead when I had my children and I have only sons- so it seems I’m destined for the “inferior” statue of mother in law if my sons ever have children and I’ll never experience the mother -daughter side of it.

I like viog.

Why sad?
Surely it's plainly obvious if you do some of the afore mentioned behaviors, your dils won't like the you?

Normal respectful kind people won't get mentioned on here because there is nothing to talk about?

It's clear if you trample over people because you think you have a right too, they won't warm to you.

@Ilikeviognier

This thread makes me really sad. My own mother was dead when I had my children and I have only sons- so it seems I’m destined for the “inferior” statue of mother in law if my sons ever have children and I’ll never experience the mother -daughter side of it.

Well, don’t raise your sons to view maintaining relationships with family or raiding children as ‘women’s work’ or to assume that present-buying, invitations etc are restricted to people who have a vagina — and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t continue to have a fulfilling relationship with your sons and their possible/eventual children.

Threads like these make me sad. I have one DS. I obviously hope he goes on to have kids and I'll be excited when/if he does. Yes, I'll look forward to giving the baby cuddles but I'd also like to think I could be practical and offer help and I hope that won't be rebuffed.

My mum was great when DS was born (doing washing and stuff). My MIL never offered but I think that was because she was TOO afraid of overstepping as she had had a rough ride from my SIL (DH's brother's wife) many years earlier and I didn't feel able to ask her to help with practical things. Maybe I should have.

I worry sometimes that I don't include her in things as much as I do my own mum but I tend to think that's DH's job. I feel uncomfortable if I say to her 'well, you know we're going on holiday' and she says 'oh, I didn't know that' because DH hasn't told her. It's not that he doesn't keep in touch with her, he does, but seemingly forgets to tell her things.

I have a different perspective....

I'm the mother of 3 sons and very close to them even if, thanks to Covid, I haven't seen my oldest in almost 2 years. I don't interfere in the both oldest lives but worries me what the relationship will be like when they marry.

My best friends in Sydney have had quite a few issues with DIL. They have two kids, adult daughter and son - the relationship with their son deteriorated after his marriage. My friends are well off and very independent, they've never pushed for close contact or taking over the grandkids or giving advice. They barely saw them, have seen their oldest g/c a dozen times in 6 years and seen their youngest twice while living in the same city and barely 30 mins away.

Last year when Covid hit they contacted a solicitor to make new wills leaving a tidy sum to their son but the bulk of their estate to their daughter. On the advice of their solicitor, they had a meeting with DS, DIL, DD, DDH and two independent witnesses, not family members, to let them know about the new will. The DS and DIL took it badly and left the meeting saying they would contest the will. Back to the solicitors, an addendum and statutory declarations added and the will is water tight. Her son has since tried to make more contact but as my friend says "he's seen a solicitor". She's sad but factual and making contact now is about money, not affection. She did her grieving years ago and has now moved on.

There are always two sides to every story and while many MIL are too meddling, there are also many DIL not interested in having a relationship with in laws.

Have you ever popped across to Gransnet? It’s really interesting to see the massive variance of characters (as one would expect when there isn’t a sweeping generalisation) from those who are practically walking on egg-shells for fear or doing the wrong thing, to those who are obviously the ‘type’ of MIL this post was intended for.

@Ilikeviognier

This thread makes me really sad. My own mother was dead when I had my children and I have only sons- so it seems I’m destined for the “inferior” statue of mother in law if my sons ever have children and I’ll never experience the mother -daughter side of it.

It is true that, assuming the DIL has a good relationship with her mum, she will be more involved. My mum was there after the birth, to help us and help me recover. I wouldn’t want MIL to see me like that and at my most vulnerable so whilst she could have visited, I wouldn’t have wanted her to stay. It’s not that MIL wouldn’t have been supportive, but with my mum, I can sit there, boob out, not having showered in a couple of days, crying away. No way could I do that with MIL. It does then mean my mum was very involved in the early stages. I also go and stay at my mum’s regularly for a bit of a break, as DH has a very demanding job and works long hours so can’t always help. I happily go to my mum’s for a night on my own, but I wouldn’t go to MIL’s on my own.

My MIL is lovely though, so I have no issue with her being hands on with DS. But it is true that I have left the building of the relationship between them to DH. He is the one who regularly video calls so she can see DS and speak to him on video (not that he understands at 4 months!), he sends photos and he is the one who arranges visits. But she is lovely and whilst there are times she does become too overbearing, it comes from her excitement rather than her wanting to be in charge.

I guess the key is keep up a good relationship with your son, and be kind and welcoming to DIL, and there is no reason why you can’t be involved, but it is natural that DIL mum will be more involved at the early stages. A bit part of it will depend on your son’s character and his relationship with you.