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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are a MIL who overstepped boundaries

223 replies

crikey456 · 09/08/2021 20:17

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about MIL's upsetting their DIL's. A lot of the posts are about MIL's overstepping the boundaries with newborns. I am trying to find MIL's who realise maybe years later that they did overstep boundaries and maybe the reasons why.

When I had my first baby my MIL suddenly had no respect for me. She turned up unannounced on a daily basis, often with friends. We would be mid dinner and she would apologise but make no attempt to leave. She would criticise me parenting. She would book us in to go and see her family members of a weekend to essentially show off the baby. It was almost like she was trying to be in control of our lives. She bought a xmas outfit for my Daughter and told me that's what she should wear for Xmas day. When around family members, she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers. She ignored anything I asked her to do e.g milk at certain times and she would make a point of telling me she had done it differently. I once recall her telling me I was very good to let her look after her as I don't know the way she does things. Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

If you are a MIL who realises now that you overstepped certain boundaries when your DIL first had a baby, what do you think the reasons were looking back?

OP posts:
alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 21:53

Maybe your daughters haven't cut the cord from you yet.

not sure why a thread about MIL warrants such a nasty comment, are you one of these MIL overstepping boundaries by any chance?

alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 21:54

she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers.

and within a page you have posters offended if you dare pointing out that they have no right over the baby.. there you go.

ThePlantsitter · 09/08/2021 21:54

This thread is really interesting. I hope it doesn't turn into all the awkward DILs having rows with all the awkward MILs.

My MIL was brilliant and even asked to be allowed to change nappies etc. But she and my FIL also did a photoshoot with the baby and my MIL and I don't think I was in any of the photos! I didn't think anything of it at the time but I suppose it is a bit odd. Still, she was generally a very good MIL and although a bit judgy she managed to keep quiet about it must of the time and helped out a lot. I miss her.

PinkTonic · 09/08/2021 21:56

@alltheemptyfields

Some MIL confuse their DIL with their own child in the way they behave, instead of treating them like a vague neighbour...

In term of boundaries, if you wouldn't do it with someone you barely know, don't do it with your DIL. She is not not your daughter, you have no right over the baby whatsoever, your DIL and son are entitled to respect, privacy and at least to be ASKED (and offered some help).

Simple concept that goes way above some heads unfortunately

Shit like this makes me glad my son is gay.
alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 21:58

Shit like this makes me glad my son is gay.

a gay couple is allowed just as much privacy and respect than any other couple when they have a baby. Even if by definition, there's no recovery from birth needed, before a smart ass comments.

Pottedpalm · 09/08/2021 21:59

@PinkTonic
Shit indeed! Imagine getting a daughter in law like that!

Chrysanthemum5 · 09/08/2021 22:00

My MIL was amazing and I loved her. She called DS her 'boy' but I didn't mind it just showed she loved him. She was respectful but also I respected her and valued her input.

My FIlL was more of a 'snatcher' and loved the DCs so much I wound sometimes catch him putting them in the pram so he could sneak out for a walk.

My MIL said grandchildren were like heroin for grandparents - however much you get, it's never enough

Pottedpalm · 09/08/2021 22:00

@alltheemptyfields

Shit like this makes me glad my son is gay.

a gay couple is allowed just as much privacy and respect than any other couple when they have a baby. Even if by definition, there's no recovery from birth needed, before a smart ass comments.

I think PinkTonic meant that she would dodge the bullet of a daughter in law from hell.
OaxacaChihuahua · 09/08/2021 22:01

There are a lot of women on this thread who either are overstepping MILs or one day will be…!

alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 22:01

[quote Pottedpalm]@PinkTonic
Shit indeed! Imagine getting a daughter in law like that![/quote]
a daughter-in-law who doesn't believe you have any right to barge in 5 minutes after she has given birth?

EVERY DIL has the same right of privacy and respect.

I feel sincerely sorry if you have a poor DIL who had to put up with an overbearing attitude and was too unwell to dare protesting.

If you read MN, resentment can last a long time...

pastabest · 09/08/2021 22:02

There is a really horrible saying that I don't particularly agree with but I do think has some merit when generalising about the way MILS and DIlS form relationships once there are a grandchildren.

It's something like a daughter is yours for the rest of your life, a son only is until he meets a wife.

Ultimately women are nearly always the primary care giver, and those early years of child rearing where everything is a bit raw and everyone seems to have an option can be a bit fraught. By that point you have usually had a couple of decades of learning to deal with your own mother, what advice to take, when to ignore etc in a way you can't with a MIL who however nice is ultimately no more related to you than you are to your partner's sister/uncle/ex.

I feel sorry for MILS who just want to be a part of their grandchild's life but constantly irritate DILS by just existing. I feel sorry for the DILS too.

My MIL is lovely and well intentioned but she just doesn't get that she and I will never have the same relationship as she does with her daughters (that easy 'hanging out' that you can do with your mum') and it is unreasonable to expect the same from me as she does from them.

Perhaps the men in these situations need to step up and facilitate grandparent/child relationships in the same way their sisters are expected to do.

alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 22:02

I think PinkTonic meant that she would dodge the bullet of a daughter in law from hell.

wow

a woman who wants a bit of privacy after giving birth and needs space with her newborn,

is a "daughter in law from hell"

Good lord, I sincerely hope you haven't got any son!

Darbs76 · 09/08/2021 22:05

It’s funny as you see so many comments on here about MIL yet these same women don’t want to think about the days, in the not so distant future when they will become MIL’s and their DIL’s might take offence to a slight thing they do too. My (now ex) MIL is a pain in the backside and can probably trump many MiL stories but I just bite my tongue. She loves her grandchildren and had 3 sons so doesn’t have that close daughter relationship. I hope I never become the subject of a mumsnet MIL thread!

DroopyClematis · 09/08/2021 22:06

MILs are so important in many cultures but not in the west, I think.
It's so sad, it's like their vampires, looking to take over.

I know that if my daughter has a baby , I'll be welcomed to help out but not if my son has a baby.

Yes, new mums want their own mum , at first, but, according to MN, MILs need to butt out and sit and wait for an invitation into their lives.

Mydogmylife · 09/08/2021 22:07

@Cantbebotheredtothinkofaname

Like a PP I am not a MIL myself but have witnessed the contrasting behaviours of my own DM when I had DC first, and my DB and SIL after me. She is very critical and hands off with SIL and DN, she has complained to me about certain things SIL has done that I know I did too when my DC was a baby! She will complain to DB about SIL, even though he always tells SIL everything, and she knows that but can’t seem to stop herself. It is strange and fascinating because she is nothing like that with me and DH! All I can think is that it’s a subconscious way of keeping distance between herself and her DIL. I am very thankful that my own MIL is very nice!
@cantbebotheredtothinkofaname Interested to know - did you ever point this out to your mum?
PinkTonic · 09/08/2021 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

trappistkepler · 09/08/2021 22:07

@alltheemptyfields You deserve many many sons and their respective vague neighbours

Pottedpalm · 09/08/2021 22:08

@alltheemptyfields

I think PinkTonic meant that she would dodge the bullet of a daughter in law from hell.

wow

a woman who wants a bit of privacy after giving birth and needs space with her newborn,

is a "daughter in law from hell"

Good lord, I sincerely hope you haven't got any son!

No, a woman who wants her MIL to treat her as a vague neighbour whilst seeing her as entitled to help. Is the ‘vague neighbour’ expected to offer free childcare too?
Flutteringwings · 09/08/2021 22:10

Some Mils have trouble accepting that their position as the centre of the family has been shifted, and the attention which they have enjoyed for years as the newest parents has gone over to a DIL. Also it's a reminder that their own baby days are well and truly over. It's a territorial thing.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/08/2021 22:12

you cannot compare the relationship between a mother and her daughter, and a MIL. So don't expect the same. Does that extend to not being able to have a relationship with your grandchild in the same way that their other grandparents do?

alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 22:12

MILs need to butt out and sit and wait for an invitation into their lives.

what's wrong with that?

alltheemptyfields · 09/08/2021 22:14

[quote trappistkepler]@alltheemptyfields You deserve many many sons and their respective vague neighbours[/quote]
see, you are trying be be nasty and sarcastic

meanwhile, in real life, because I treat people with respect and I am not overbearing or entitled, I get on very well.

When there's no need to push people away, relationships go so much more smoothly.

fufulina · 09/08/2021 22:14

I do see where alltheemptyfields is coming from. Much of my resentment towards MIL was because she totally ignored me when I was pregnant and once DD was born; I was simply the means to an end.

My own mother gave a shit about me and my health, wanted to know how I was feeling and wanted to help me - not just sit on her arse being waited on and gazing at the baby.

Pottedpalm · 09/08/2021 22:14

@Flutteringwings

Some Mils have trouble accepting that their position as the centre of the family has been shifted, and the attention which they have enjoyed for years as the newest parents has gone over to a DIL. Also it's a reminder that their own baby days are well and truly over. It's a territorial thing.
Jeez; more bollocks. Luckily, in real life, most people do not see themselves like this.
PinkTonic · 09/08/2021 22:15

@Flutteringwings

Some Mils have trouble accepting that their position as the centre of the family has been shifted, and the attention which they have enjoyed for years as the newest parents has gone over to a DIL. Also it's a reminder that their own baby days are well and truly over. It's a territorial thing.
Reading the countless threads on the subject I’d concur that it appears to be a territorial thing, but mostly on the part of the DIL. Otherwise why is it only the paternal MIL who has the trouble adjusting? Are mothers of girls immune from this affliction?
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