If you are a MIL who overstepped boundaries

[crikey456]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about MIL's upsetting their DIL's. A lot of the posts are about MIL's overstepping the boundaries with newborns. I am trying to find MIL's who realise maybe years later that they did overstep boundaries and maybe the reasons why.

When I had my first baby my MIL suddenly had no respect for me. She turned up unannounced on a daily basis, often with friends. We would be mid dinner and she would apologise but make no attempt to leave. She would criticise me parenting. She would book us in to go and see her family members of a weekend to essentially show off the baby. It was almost like she was trying to be in control of our lives. She bought a xmas outfit for my Daughter and told me that's what she should wear for Xmas day. When around family members, she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers. She ignored anything I asked her to do e.g milk at certain times and she would make a point of telling me she had done it differently. I once recall her telling me I was very good to let her look after her as I don't know the way she does things. Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

If you are a MIL who realises now that you overstepped certain boundaries when your DIL first had a baby, what do you think the reasons were looking back?

they contacted a solicitor to make new wills leaving a tidy sum to their son but the bulk of their estate to their daughter.

wow

petty obviously runs into the family. I cannot imagine turning your back on your children, and showing preferences that way - you can see where the kids got it from in the first place and why they stayed away all those years.

Some families are horrible, and some parents on such a power trip, it's sad when the grand-kids will be the ones missing out on a relationship.

Although, one difference between my mum and MIL, is their approach to parenting and advice. My mum will suggest something, and if I say no, she drops it. MIL suggests something, and regularly suggests it, and then does it when I’m not there (ie I’m in a different room). I then know something is happening because I hear DS screaming. My mum knows that I know DS better than her and that I’m the one spending all my time with him, so if I say something won’t work or I don’t want to do it, she respects that whereas MIL likes to think DS is like DH so what worked for DH as a baby will work for DS and she’s keen to be right. In those scenarios, DH manages the issue and she backs off. If DH didn’t, I would feel less comfortable about leaving them alone. So again, it comes down to how DH manages the relationship, but also her willingness to listen to DH (even if she does ignore what I say sometimes!).

@Ilikeviognier

I didn't need any help from any grandparents when I had my child

I had my MIL come and stay a week after I gave birth and god I wish she hadn't because she's old and I felt like I had to look after her also
I'm just glad it was only a week

But not everyone needs help after having a baby so my mother didn't see that side you are talking about either

I have one DD and and another DD on the way no plans to have anymore but because of the way my MIL invited herself upon me I will make it known to my DDs that whatever they want goes if they need me I'm there if they want to go it alone that's also fine

I will be there when I'm wanted and give them plenty of space

Also I would like to add that my MIL is a great nan! She just does things that infuriate me and I find myself getting annoyed with her over things that wouldn't get to me if anyone else did it so I have to give myself abit of a chat sometimes

Truth is tho some people are horrible and some MIL are extremely jealous of their sons partners whatever their reasons

But some are also wonderful they just don't get talked about as much

@Ilikeviognier

This thread makes me really sad. My own mother was dead when I had my children and I have only sons- so it seems I’m destined for the “inferior” statue of mother in law if my sons ever have children and I’ll never experience the mother -daughter side of it.

Not all MIL relationships are like this :) My DP is one of 2 boys and has a great relationship with his mum, she sees lots of her grandchildren from both of her sons.

I think the thing re 'experiencing the mother-daughter side of it' is just not to expect that from your DIL. It doesn't mean you can't still have a good relationship with her though. And not everybody has a super close bond with their own mother anyway.

i didnt have a MIL as she passed away before ExH and i married, and his extended family were largely disinterested, as my PFB was baby number 15+ on his side of the family, but the first grandchild on mine... so my family made a HUGE hoopla about his arrival.. the last baby having been a 2nd cousins born 10 years earlier.

I think ExH felt quite overwhelmed by the attention from my extended family, but i will say, they were ALL respectful, no-one ever turned up announced, and most meetings happened at their houses as we were invited once i felt comfortable enough to travel, or at my moms house where i spent so much of my time anyway (while ExH was at work. very long shifts) that it was home from home with nursery/baby supplies.

Ultimately, where non-blood family is concerned, its about having respect for the new Mum, her comfort levels, and waiting to be asked, and if you DO ask, not being offended if the answer is no. Also, never visit uninvited/unannounced, and never sit holding baby and expect to be waited on by the new mom.

As pp said so much of it is trust her own dm wouldn't do something she's asked her not too because mum understands her daughter knows her child.

Mil just goes and does it anyway.
I had this with nappies and nappy training, tried to say to Mil dd wasn't ready and she totally ignored us so many times.

is it no one's experience that your own DM doesnt do what she is told but MIL does. My mother certainly doesnt care about my own boundaries or how i want things done. She seems to think that she gets to boss me around because i am her child and therefore can do the same to her grandkids. My MIL would never in the million years tell me how to live my life or anything else.

It's great that everyone seems to have such lovely mums - so maybe it's only my one who's that overbearing

Some women are just cunts. If your MiL is a cunt, you'll never have a good relationship with her. If your DiL is a cunt dont even bother trying.

Here on mumsnet we talk a lot about evil MiLs but it's quite clear from some posts that it is the poster just being a bitch with the empathy of a shrew. It's a two way relationship.

@Flutteringwings

Some Mils have trouble accepting that their position as the centre of the family has been shifted, and the attention which they have enjoyed for years as the newest parents has gone over to a DIL. Also it's a reminder that their own baby days are well and truly over. It's a territorial thing.

All of that waffle also applies to the maternal grandmother but the accepted norm on MN is that she is far more important and relevant.

Judge, the only relevant people ever are the ones whose relationships make them so.

@Panickingpavlova

Op I don't think you will get any boundary stepping mils on this thread! By their very nature it's more bull in a China shop its all about me, rather than calm reflective people..

Or maybe they are aware how fixed views on here are so there's no point in their posting.

My mother was absolutely more important and relevant to me when my babies were born. Not more important and relevant to my babies, but to me, because I have a good and close relationship with her and she wanted to look after me, her own daughter. my husband has a good and close relationship with his mother too, and he organised lots of activities and invitations with his side of the family and I would say that we see them as much as we see mine, and I have a good relationship with my in-laws. But my MIL is not as important to me as my mother is, it would be strange if she were, and vice versa for my husband.

Judge j, what do you mean?

Fixed views on being respectful, yes perhaps?

It's great that everyone seems to have such lovely mums - so maybe it's only my one who's that overbearing

Definitely not the case. My DM means well, I do believe that, but she can be very bossy and overbearing. My MIL isn’t at all like that; I’m not close to her by any means (although she’s a lovely Grandma to my DDs), but I don’t feel like she’s trampling all over my boundaries constantly.

Clearly, it depends on the relationship you already have with your mother.

Yes lizzie, my dm could be over bearing or a fuss pot but I had no qualms telling her that nor she to I.

The difference for us is dh is terrified of saying anything at all to his dm

I do think there are issues of expectations on both sides. I adored MIL - before I had DS.

We used to be so close to DHs parents as I didn't really get on with mine. But MIL turned into a nightmare the minute after I had DS. She brought her other GC to the hospital and there a tantrum with the midwives when they would t let them in (only siblings could visit). You can imagine how well that went down with the hospital staff.

Before we'd had DS we'd seen PILs maybe every other week but always had a great time and we'd even gone on holiday with them. They had their own lives (MIL was obsessed with the other GC but I just thought that would mean that she wouldn't have time to be the same with mine) but once DS was here she was turning up unannounced, sitting through private midwife visits and generally being a huge pain in the arse.

I think MiL thought that because I didn't get on well with my mum that there was space on our lives for an overbearing GM - but there wasn't. And I'd thought because she often couldn't be arsed to come to parties and events at our place that she'd be the same post DS.

My experience was also that my parents concern was for both me baby were as to MIL I was a vessel. My DD was born a month early, during the height of COVID lockdown. We had to stay in for five days and DH wasn't allowed to visit only drop up supplies to reception which they would then pass to me.

MIL complained on Facebook that I was keeping her baby from her by not allowing her to visit the hospital. She was told to remove it and that we would not be posting photos of DD online. Went nuclear when she found out my mum had invited my DH round for dinner after him and my DF had spend the day assembling the nursery things. Insisted he go there instead he turned up only to be told they didn't have any food in and he'd need to go pick a takeaway up for them, DSIL and her kids. While he was in the loo went into his phone and sent herself the first photo of me and DD together (it's a beautiful moment but she is covered in goo and I look traumatized) and posted it on her Facebook, which was then shared by her five sisters so it reached a wide audience before we found out and could get it took down.

MIL had DH very young and he was raised by his grandparents and this cycle was repeated with DSIL so MIL fully expected me to had DD over to her noon on Friday - Monday when I explained this wasn't happening she cried that I was taking away her chance of being a mother and I'd get my turn when I was a granny.

I wonder if the dodgy mils are also the ones who didn't treat their Mil well and they fear karma coming to bite.

My Mil was atrocious to dh paternal granny.

I struggle with my mil too. I think she is finding it difficult to move into the role of granny as she has been mummy for so long, and doesn’t understand that she is stepping on my toes by trying to continue being mummy to my children. It’s a shame as we used to get on quite well. There’s definitely a fear of losing control - she’s scared I think of losing control now her family are all grown up and starting their own families. This drives her to continue to interfere in our private lives, and even parenting decisions that don’t concern her. I can see where it comes from but that doesn’t make it any easier or less annoying.

For all those who say ‘poor granny’ what about the poor mothers who have just been through often a traumatic pregnancy and birth, are trying to get to grips with being a new parent and look after a newborn while being constantly undermined by their pushy, interfering mils (often in their own home)? There’s plenty of time for granny to bond with baby but the most important bond, well backed up by attachment theory, in those early weeks and months is with mummy or daddy. Problem is with my mil anyway is that she thinks she’s mummy and doesn’t respect that the role is mine when it comes to my children 🙈

I think she is finding it difficult to move into the role of granny as she has been mummy for so long, and doesn’t understand that she is stepping on my toes by trying to continue being mummy to my children.

This is my mum, she constantly tries to parent. It was annoying for me when DD was a baby but now she's a threenager DD just pushes back against my mum and rejects her and it's a shame because their relationship is definitely damaged by it. I love my mum and she can be an amazing granny - when she's not trying to be mum to kids that a) aren't hers and b) already have a mummy they are pretty damn fond of!

I think they think DIL is their DD. Big mistake!! And their sons (our DH) never stand up when we are wronged!

My MIL used to turn away with my baby even though my baby had outstretched arms wanting me and my DH said nothing. Now I absolutely want nothing to do with my MIL and resent my marriage.

MIL please back off! You had your chance raising a kid now it’s DIL turn

I had a terrible relationship with my first MIL and it was entirely my own fault. I found her so completely different to my own mum and really didn't "get her" and I made no effort to because frankly I didn't need to, I had my own mum. I didn't consider her feelings for a second and I was very standoffish. It became a self fulfilling prophecy because I took exception to all sorts of things that, had my own mum said or done I wouldn't even have noticed. When I got married again much later in life I made much more effort with second MIL and we had a very nice relationship.