If you are a MIL who overstepped boundaries

[crikey456]

I've seen so many posts on Mumsnet about MIL's upsetting their DIL's. A lot of the posts are about MIL's overstepping the boundaries with newborns. I am trying to find MIL's who realise maybe years later that they did overstep boundaries and maybe the reasons why.

When I had my first baby my MIL suddenly had no respect for me. She turned up unannounced on a daily basis, often with friends. We would be mid dinner and she would apologise but make no attempt to leave. She would criticise me parenting. She would book us in to go and see her family members of a weekend to essentially show off the baby. It was almost like she was trying to be in control of our lives. She bought a xmas outfit for my Daughter and told me that's what she should wear for Xmas day. When around family members, she would just grab my baby off me and act as if she was hers. She ignored anything I asked her to do e.g milk at certain times and she would make a point of telling me she had done it differently. I once recall her telling me I was very good to let her look after her as I don't know the way she does things. Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

If you are a MIL who realises now that you overstepped certain boundaries when your DIL first had a baby, what do you think the reasons were looking back?

@Bellarime

How many thread of MIL demanding to see the baby, demanding the "cuddle" many MIL seem to think they are entitled to, demanding a cup of tea.... Who does that!

I suspect many grandmothers do it but women may be prepared to accept/overlook it from their own mothers.

I’ll be a total hands off grandmother myself!

It's really not hard to support a new young family without demanding anything. Once or twice a week I'll call if I'm nearby to see if they are about for a quick cuppa. If the answer is yes, we'll pop by, quick cuddle (possibly but not necessarily) Ask if they need anything, tell them how wonderfully they are doing, listen hard to what they're saying, and then leave. An hour max, sometimes less, never put out if they say they are busy (and don't ask what they are busy doing - they may just not feel like they want to see anyone) Invite them for coffee likewise, then they can stay as long as they want to. No grabbing of baby, and give baby back if mum wants him.. Maintain relationship with DS, just ring for a chat every now and again. Show an interest. We live our own lives, me and DH, but would drop anything for an emergency and they know it.

Mothers of boy, do not despair!

I get on well with my MIL. She is a kind woman who was always helpful and respectful when our DC were young and I always tried to make sure her and FIL had as many opportunities to spend time with the GC as my own DPs did. My SIL has a closer relationship with my DM than with her own well meaning but overbearing mother. My DM had a better relationship with her MIL than her own DM. There is hope!

Funnily enough, my MIL can be quite bossy and overbearing, but never with me. The only problem we’ve had is that we have raised her GC with a very different parenting style to hers and the youngest child was quite frightened of her for a number of years! This created a really awkward situation where she didn’t want to be left alone with Granny, but was happy to see her other grandparents. Somehow we weathered this awkward stage and she is now 11 yo and is old enough to stand her ground and understand that Granny’s heart is the the right place and that she means well!

[quote Bellarime]@alltheemptyfields in response to a post suggesting a new dad might want privacy from his mother in law you said…

the husband is not the one who just popped a baby out, naturally or via invasive surgery. It's the one occasion where he's got no voice on the subject.

Then in response to a pp with a gay son you said…

a gay couple is allowed just as much privacy and respect than any other couple when they have a baby. Even if by definition, there's no recovery from birth needed, before a smart ass comments

So which is it?[/quote]
I don’t see the contradiction.

The point is the new parents need privacy and respect. What point are you making (poorly)?

@TheBestPlansAlwaysFail

What I notice around me a lot is that new mothers facilitate the baby's relationship with their own mum but expect their DH to manage the relationship between the baby and his mum/parents. The husbands never/rarely seem to do this and it inevitably leads to the MIL and FIL trying to be involved somehow and overstepping/feeling left out/unappreciated/... and lashing out.

At least that is my working theory - of course, some are also just crazy.

I agree with this completely.

So many men leave relations with both sides of the family to the woman and then it deteriorates when babies arrive because the woman has more to worry about than maintaining relations with MIL etc. She might turn to her own family for support, which in turn makes MIL feel left out.

I also agree with alltheemptyfields's earlier posts saying that MIL's do need to be mindful of not overstepping when their DIL has given birth to their grandchild. I completely appreciate that both sets of GPs are so excited when a baby arrives, but only one new parent has gone through labour and childbirth and is likely feeling shit and in pain and shock from the experience.

Many new mums do feel more comfortable around their own mums than their MILs (not always of course) and it doesn't mean it has to stay this way forever, but in the immediate weeks after childbirth I do think the mum's comfort should be a primary concern, rather than whether one side of the family feels a bit left out at the moment.

Anyway, with my 2nd child, she was the absolute opposite. She is an absolutely lovely woman and would go to the ends of the earth to help anyone, so I just couldn't work it out.

Did she really change that much, or did you? Do you think you might have been less stressy and territorial and maybe less defensive with your second child? Usually by that stage we all are, and just appreciate the help wherever we can get it.

Also really interesting that this thread is about MILs specifically. So no woman's mother oversteps boundaries in the same way then.....or perhaps if you are lucky enough to be the mother, not the MIL then the boundaries are very differently drawn for you in the first place.

[quote Bellarime]@alltheemptyfields in response to a post suggesting a new dad might want privacy from his mother in law you said…

the husband is not the one who just popped a baby out, naturally or via invasive surgery. It's the one occasion where he's got no voice on the subject.

Then in response to a pp with a gay son you said…

a gay couple is allowed just as much privacy and respect than any other couple when they have a baby. Even if by definition, there's no recovery from birth needed, before a smart ass comments

So which is it?[/quote]
I don't think alltheemptyfields is just anti-men, but she's saying where one party has given birth then that person's wishes and comfort should be at the forefront of every decision.

But also that even in the case of a gay couple, both sets of grandparents have no right to demand anything from the new parents.

I think she's totally right.

@YouJustFoldItIn

Also really interesting that this thread is about MILs specifically. So no woman's mother oversteps boundaries in the same way then.....or perhaps if you are lucky enough to be the mother, not the MIL then the boundaries are very differently drawn for you in the first place.

I have read loads of posts on here about people's own mum's overstepping, but I guess for many it's easier to tackle directly if it's your own mum.

I'd have no issue telling my mum to back off or snapping at her, but I would feel very awkward if my MIL was making me uncomfortable for whatever reason.

Interesting thread! I can't answer the question as not a MIL but certainly having a MIL myself has made me realise how I would react to having my own grandchildren. My MIL is very nice and helpful but very different to me and there were alot of awkward moments when the DCs were little due to her not agreeing with certain aspects of my parenting and not being able to keep her mouth shut. Essentially I wouldn't get involved: I would help if asked but try not to ever give advice unless explicitly asked. Oh and I wouldn't tidy and rearrange my DILs house without being asked to

I hope one day my MIL will realise just how she fucked her relationship with us up.

Overbearing
Narcissistic
Everything about her
Critical
Stropping because we asked them to stay in a hotel (even offered to pay)

I had bad post partum anxiety and could definitely deal with my mum much more easily. I’m v independent and my mum is generally v hands off but occasionally shares unasked for advice over text etc however if I say ‘thanks but no thanks’ to DM she drops it, if I do it to MIL she cries to her husband or to DH or anyone who’ll listen.

She much prefers her golden child’s DCs anyway so I imagine we’ll just see less and less of them over time.

@Blossomtoes

It’s only just occurred to me that most women now becoming grandmas had their kids when mothers and mils had NO boundaries, none at all. They were the matriarch and what they said went. That was the norm for today’s new grandmas and I think some of it might be that they don’t understand things have changed.

My mum - who was the most amazing mum and granny you can imagine - did all sorts of stuff that I never gave a second thought but would be completely unacceptable now.

Mire absolute bollocks! Such sweeping generalisations. I am of an age to become a grandparent and neither my MIL nor the MIL if any of my friends behaved like this. My MIL had three sons and treated their wives with love and was delighted by the birth of her grandchildren. She did not see herself as being displaced from her ‘role’. Many of my my friends are grandparents and I don’t see this scenario being acted out anywhere these days.

@YouJustFoldItIn

Also really interesting that this thread is about MILs specifically. So no woman's mother oversteps boundaries in the same way then.....or perhaps if you are lucky enough to be the mother, not the MIL then the boundaries are very differently drawn for you in the first place.

It seems so!

@Ozanj

I think a lot of women go a bit power hungry after having babies to be honest and start blatently building the baby’s relationship with their side of the family at the expense of the Dad’s, ignoring really bad behaviour from their side, but will poke holes out of every tiny interaction they have with their Mil.

Very well said! So many women on her treat their partner's family as second class citizens throughout their children's lives, As a development of the original post, I wonder how many women who are now MILs look back to how they behaved to their MIL and think they themselves acted badly?

Mire absolute bollocks! Such sweeping generalisations. I am of an age to become a grandparent and neither my MIL nor the MIL if any of my friends behaved like this

I didn’t say they all did. 🤷‍♀️ Try reading what’s actually written and not what you think it says.

@Blossomtoes

Mire absolute bollocks! Such sweeping generalisations. I am of an age to become a grandparent and neither my MIL nor the MIL if any of my friends behaved like this

I didn’t say they all did. 🤷‍♀️ Try reading what’s actually written and not what you think it says.

‘Most women’.. Pretty close.

Close isn’t the same. I’m very particular about saying exactly what I mean. You should try it.

@DroopyClematis

MILs are so important in many cultures but not in the west, I think. It's so sad, it's like their vampires, looking to take over.

I know that if my daughter has a baby , I'll be welcomed to help out but not if my son has a baby.

Yes, new mums want their own mum , at first, but, according to MN, MILs need to butt out and sit and wait for an invitation into their lives.

Why should n’t they wait for an invitation?

My MIL wouldn't be able to tell you - she's rewritten history to point of utter denial.

My own Mum was difficult and both MIL and DMum had difficult mothers and bang out of order MILs. I think they belived they were doing better than they had - I think it may have been finding different potholes.

I think there were whole mix of things - not seeing us as proper grownups despite our ages, MIL having ageing issues and having been a young Mum was first by many years in their circle to be DGP, not listen to us but assuming we'd do what they did, issues from DH horrifc early birth untreated pnd then being blindsided about emotion about GC - I think that's where call me mama came from - MIL being extemely competitive about odd things with all other women and me taking that more personally, lack of support from DH him ducking problems or not backing me up when we'd already agreed stuff, fear of being pushed out by my parents/family - who aren't massively interested - outside influences surpising number of people egging on and shit stirring.

I hope to have good relations with any future spouse/partners of my DC but I do worry.

As a Mil with GC it's hard to know what to do for the best.
Dil and DS should give some boundaries.
When they lived here with GC I tried to be respectful and not invade their space.
Only to be told I didn't help enough.

It's a hard time to navigate.
And it's true when you have GC everything else gets abandoned.
You just want to get your hands on the baby and coo.
It's instinct.

I'd love to be more hands on but I still have young kids.
But I wait to be asked down,o don't stay too long.
And I don't over fill the kids with 🍫.

I really don't understand why the idea that a woman would be closer to her own mother is so offensive? This is a person she's known her entire life, compared to someone she's known for a handful of years in her MIL.

I can't speak for anyone else but personally I'll talk quite openly to my own mum about all sorts. I didn't hesitate to ask her to bring me maxi pads and breast pads after DS was born, showed her my c section wound when I was concerned about how it was healing, asked for her help getting out out of the shower when the wound was too painful to move (stark naked) and openly breastfed infront of her. I wouldn't dream of doing any of that with my MIL as I don't have that bond or trust with her.

It's not too much to ask from her that she respects and understands that when I seek out help from my mum it's not a personal slight towards her and she doesn't need to compete or get time in lieu. Thankfully, whilst enthusiastic at times my MIL is incredibly understanding when it comes to this.

@randomlyLostInWales

My MIL wouldn't be able to tell you - she's rewritten history to point of utter denial.

My own Mum was difficult and both MIL and DMum had difficult mothers and bang out of order MILs. I think they belived they were doing better than they had - I think it may have been finding different potholes.

I think there were whole mix of things - not seeing us as proper grownups despite our ages, MIL having ageing issues and having been a young Mum was first by many years in their circle to be DGP, not listen to us but assuming we'd do what they did, issues from DH horrifc early birth untreated pnd then being blindsided about emotion about GC - I think that's where call me mama came from - MIL being extemely competitive about odd things with all other women and me taking that more personally, lack of support from DH him ducking problems or not backing me up when we'd already agreed stuff, fear of being pushed out by my parents/family - who aren't massively interested - outside influences surpising number of people egging on and shit stirring.

I hope to have good relations with any future spouse/partners of my DC but I do worry.

That's interesting. My mother is competive with other women too, including me. I think that's why I'm hellbent on not overstepping, and I'm certain I'll find potholes of my own.

My MIL and my mum both became overbearing, critical and possessive when I had my dd. It was like they were in some sort of weird competition with me that I hadn't agreed to enter where they had to prove their mothering skills, with no regard for my feelings or parenting.

Since dd became a toddler, they've both gone back to being normal. My MIL is totally in denial about how she acted when dd was a baby though, and criticises her friends for doing the same things she did!

I hope I never overstep 😟 I always keep it in mind that being able to spend time with grandchildren is a privilege not a right. I provide childcare for my eldest GC and DDIL and DS have a newborn too. I remember the feeling of slight unease I had when anyone else held one of my own newborns so I wait to be offered a cuddle.
I am lucky that my DDIL is lovely and we get on really well and I believe we would have done so if she wasn't part of the family and we met elsewhere.

It also boils down to the fact I'll seek parenting advice from my own mum, as she raised me and I'm clearly perfect.

Meanwhile I have to live with the results of MIL's parenting

* Before anyone loses the plot, this is obviously sarcastic *

I love my MIL! She is very good to me and very careful not to overstep. We just had our first baby a couple months ago and she has never been territorial or weird with her... at least not with me! My husband will sometimes tell her no if she tries to take the baby out of his arms when she's fussing, he loves holding his girl and misses her when he's at work so is less inclined to share her. One weird thing is my husband's grandmother (mil's mil) totally defers to her with the baby which kind of annoys me. She asks my mil permission to hold her and play with her etc and mil definitely acts like a bit of a gatekeeper with the baby. I counteract that by loudly interjecting when she asks for permission "of course you can hold her!" "You don't need to give her back right now" etc. So I think there is still some mil/dil dynamic playing out between them all these years later! My husband's grandmother is the type to fuss and worry over people and it drives my PILS crazy. They are a lot harder on her than my husband and I!

I get more annoyed by my dad and FIL, both are the type to think they know best. I have no problem shutting my dad down when he's going off book (trying to give 4 day old baby fruit, insisting she go outside for fresh air when it's boiling outside and she has a health condition that makes keeping her cool a necessity) but it's a little trickier with my FIL. Our technique with him is usually to ignore when he makes demands and then just do what we want anyway.... I predict further clashes with both of them in the future!