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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

275 replies

deeplyambivalent · 08/08/2021 18:02

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

OP posts:
StarryStarrySocks · 08/08/2021 18:04

Surely no-one does this nowadays?!

Apeirogon · 08/08/2021 18:04

No - and I wouldn't have liked him to. We had a traditional wedding in many ways but that would have been a step too far!

Budsaway · 08/08/2021 18:04

I proposed to dh and didn't ask his Dad first.

speakout · 08/08/2021 18:05

A gruesome thing to do.

PurpleSproutingSomething · 08/08/2021 18:06

I'm now separated from my ExDH, but we had spoken about getting engaged but I did explicitly ask him to not ask my dad.

I just didn't want my dad to have any say or even an opinion on a huge life event for me.

It was really important to me. I later found out my sister's DH had asked him, I told him I didn't belong to him so it was a moot point.

AnnaMagnani · 08/08/2021 18:07

God no. He hadn't really intended to propose in the first place but neither I nor my DF would have been impressed.

BritWifeInUSA · 08/08/2021 18:07

He hadn’t even met my father. They met for the first time when we had been married for 3 years.

Sashimimimi · 08/08/2021 18:08

Ugh. No.

Redwinestillfine · 08/08/2021 18:08

Yes. He had already asked me but I wanted him to have a chat with my parents as a mark of respect. They knew it wasn't a matter of 'permission' but it did give them the opportunity to have a chat about the serious step it was. If he had baulked at that I would have wondered how serious he really was.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/08/2021 18:09

No. I told my dad we were getting married after we had decided to get married.

SenecaFallsRedux · 08/08/2021 18:09

We informed my parents that we were getting married. There was no proposal (we just mutually arrived at the decision to marry) and definitely no asking for parental permission.

Pegasusmail · 08/08/2021 18:09

Yes. Both my parents but he had already asked me (we were abroad) and we didn't announce it until my parents knew.

Booboosweet · 08/08/2021 18:10

No way. He just asked me.

Ethelswith · 08/08/2021 18:11

No, it would have required a seance

Chunkymenrock · 08/08/2021 18:11

He did, 21 years ago. Thought it was sweet then. Now I think it's ridiculous. A woman is not her father's property. Times change and it's inappropriate now.

Nohomemadecandles · 08/08/2021 18:12

Maybe. But I'd be concerned if he got an answer. He'd been dead for 10 years by that point!

Hopdathelf · 08/08/2021 18:12

We had a discussion rather than a proposal. Had DH checked with my father that would have been a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t have said yes.

AegonT · 08/08/2021 18:13

No. My husband, dad and I all shared the opinion that I didn't require parental permission to marry. Also if he did think I needed parental permission it should be equally between my mum and dad.

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 08/08/2021 18:13

Yes- but not in a ‘permission’ kind of way- just a respectful letting him know way- if that makes sense? …. This is true for most of my family and friends too.

dementedpixie · 08/08/2021 18:14

Don't think it would be any of their business tbh

CounsellorTroi · 08/08/2021 18:14

He couldn't have. My dad had been dead 12 years when DH proposed to me!

Donotgogentle · 08/08/2021 18:14

No - if he had I’d have known he wasn’t the man for me.

Waspsarearseholes · 08/08/2021 18:15

He didn't ask my parents but told them he was going to do it because he needed their help with something related to the proposal. They didn't know when it was going to happen but they knew he was going to do it. They kept it secret and my mum jumped out of her skin every time the phone went off, hoping for news. They were really excited about knowing. Had he have gone down the 'asking for your daughter's hand' stuff my parents would have told him I don't belong to them and it was nothing to do with them but they were excited about knowing.

Echobelly · 08/08/2021 18:15

BIL asked my parents (not specifically my father) before asking my sister - he's not from UK and from somewhere small and rural, though he is perfectly 'cosmopolitan' but I guess it reflects his background.

DH's proposal was entirely off-the-cuff, so no he didn't and I don't expect he would have if he'd had the opportunity.

Chikapu · 08/08/2021 18:15

Good god no, I wouldn't have thought it was sweet it would have made me furious.