To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

[deeplyambivalent]

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

Not my DH but back in the 1950s, my dad travelled north to ask my mum's dad for 'permission' to ask her to marry him.

My grandpa knew exactly what he had come for and amused himself for two days in changing the subject, not hearing what my dad said and deliberately misunderstanding him until he finally relented. He thought it was a great joke.

He didn't and I've had been gutted if he had. I think I should be the first one to know about the proposal and I should get to share the news with my family. I also think it's funny how people gloss over the proposee's role, I had to accept him. I wasn't just informed of our impending marriage. He proposed, I accepted.

@catstaff

“For those you did it, what was the conversation about? Was your mum involved in the discussion? Why would doing it be respectful?”

Well, I suppose it’s just good manners and acknowledging the role the parents have had in your wife-to-be’s life. My DH mainly wanted to assure my dad that he had the right intentions and that he was financially stable and what his career plans were, etc.

Did you provide assurance to your future in laws that you were financially solvent and had career plans?

@Crunchymum

How many of you who are aghast at the idea of your father being consulted, had their dad walk them down the aisle / took their DH surname?

Just wondering why the "permission" thing is so frowned upon compared to the other patriarchal practices involved in getting married.

(Unmarried but been with DP for 15 years)

Ignored the walking down the aisle tradition and we chose a family name as wanted our children to have the same names as us. His surname was nicer than mine and I dislike double barrelled names so didn’t want that personally. DH would have changed to any name I wanted,

My DP did, but i asked him too. My dad isnt my biological dad and has raised me since i was a baby, im the oldest and was the 1st to get engaged aswell and i knew it would mean the world to him

Christ no. Thankfully my husband understands that I am my own person and my permission was the only one that mattered. I would have been disgusted if he had asked.

My brother asked his FIL for permission and I found that so strange and frankly a bit icky.

@Sapphire387

The whole notion of men 'proposing' seems a little outdated to me, never mind asking permission! Surely it's a mutual decision. I mean don't get me wrong, it can be nice if one partner asks the other, just I still hear so many women getting annoyed because their boyfriends haven't proposed yet. If you want to get married, just say so. I digress. Like many others, I wouldn't marry a man who had asked my father's permission.

These days I think the majority of couples tend to discuss the topic anyway and agree that they want to get married before the man formally proposes. The proposal doesn’t come as any kind of surprise, it’s just a gesture from a bygone era where the proposal actually was about the man asking for the woman’s hand in marriage. I would think it quite foolish for a person to propose if they’d never discussed marriage.

I would have immediately dumped any man who had done that, even if we had had a beautiful relationship and I had been planning to say yes previously, as I am not property to be traded between my father and my husband.

Nope. I don't think it occurred to him to ask first!

We discussed it as a couple before he popped the question.

Yes my husband did out of respect but not asking for permission. My dad didn’t mention it to me ever. I only found out many years later.

Yes he did before asking me but out of respect not for permission - my fathers reply was, what you asking me for, have you met (me) she's a law to herself and only does what she wants anyway so it wouldn't matter what I said

He didn't ask permission, but he did tell them the night before that he was going to, which I really liked.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

He didn't and I've had been gutted if he had. I think I should be the first one to know about the proposal and I should get to share the news with my family. I also think it's funny how people gloss over the proposee's role, I had to accept him. I wasn't just informed of our impending marriage. He proposed, I accepted.

^ yes, absolutely this in my case. Other people also knew beforehand so I felt like I was the last to get the memo.

Mine did. My dad was very touched even though he didn't expect it and knew his answer wouldn't really make any difference.

Yes. He didn't ask permission but did ask for his blessing. Dad presented me with a cushion saying "a daughters first love is her daddy" which was weird, but he didn't give the game away. I loved that DH did this.

No.

It is very old fashioned, and in my view insulting. I am not my Father’s possession to be given to my husband.

My DF is of the same opinion, and actually said a few times that had DH asked him he’d have said “why? It’s nothing to do with me” - good on you, Dad!

DH also wouldn’t have done it, because he respects my autonomy and is a progressive, and I wouldn’t have married a man who would do such a thing. I didn’t change my name either.

No. Because it’s not the 18th century and I’m not my father’s possession

No. Exh had been told long before that I wouldn’t appreciate this!

Then my dad kept moaning about it (in a sort of annoying “joke but not a joke way), so exh went down on one knee to him in the pub. Was quite funny at the time.

I banner him from doing so! I was a 27 year old woman who hadn’t loved at home for almost 10 years. Would have been a very odd thing to do IMO.

I wanted my DH to do it. My dad means the world to me. Knowing he approved my choice was very important to me.

My parents kept the secret (but only had to for 24 hours lol) they were so excited for us.

No. It would really piss me off that my parents knew before me.

Yes my husband did, I told him not too as my family wouldn’t like it but his Mum and Dad said he had to as it was the right thing to do.

My Dad replied with ‘ask her not me, it’s not my decision’ our family’s are very different.

Nope, and my DF was very pissed off about it

My husband told him he was planning to, and that he'd like my families blessing. Didn't ask for permission. The majority of people I know have also done this.

DH asked me first, I said yes. We invited my parents out for dinner later that week to ask for their blessing. We did the same over Skype with DH's parents, but took them out as soon as we could fly over (they live in another European country).

We also made sure the priest at our wedding left out the "obey" clause, because that's misogynistic bullshit.