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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

275 replies

deeplyambivalent · 08/08/2021 18:02

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 08/08/2021 18:26

@TheDevils

No because I'm an adult and I don't need my dad's permission to do anything. My dad doesn't own me. I think it's creepy tbh. Although DH didn't ask me either. We just decided to get married.
Only about as creepy as the honour and obey shite in traditional wedding vows that so many women still recite.
Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 18:27

Dh would have had to find him first

SleepyMathematician · 08/08/2021 18:27

@Chunkymenrock

He did, 21 years ago. Thought it was sweet then. Now I think it's ridiculous. A woman is not her father's property. Times change and it's inappropriate now.
This, absolutely. DH did, but it was 27 years ago. At the time I thought it was so sweet. Now I’d be horrified. I’m not my father’s property. I would hope my DD’s partners don’t ask DH (I can’t imagine one would as the DD in question is an ardent feminist and partner is in total agreement). I hope I’ve brought them up to be their own people and not feel they belong to us or need our permission for anything, much less that they are somehow the property of DH.

I took DH’s surname, too, mainly because I didn’t like mine much and I liked his. I haven’t regretted it from the point that I like the name, but I’m not sure I’d do it in quite the same way now.

As @Chunkymenrock says, times change. I don’t think asking a father is appropriate nowadays.

speakout · 08/08/2021 18:27

Asking permission was considered dubious 21 years ago. As is now!
I was married almost 40 years ago and it was considered innapropriate then.
Remember 40 years ago we are talking post punk era- not daisies and pink fluffy cardigans. Life was down and dirty in the 80s.

ReginaaPhalange · 08/08/2021 18:28

Yes, he did, he felt at the time it was the respectable thing to do. My dad and DH get on fantastically so it was something he wanted to do. I didn't ask my DH to do it though!

Susannahmoody · 08/08/2021 18:28

No, and if he would have done, I wouldn't have married him.

hopefulmama36 · 08/08/2021 18:28

Yes he did. Not because my dad had to give his permission , but because he knew it mattered to my dad. I'm very close to my dad and he's always been there for me whenever I needed help and support. For my dad it was more a handing over of that support role and an acknowledgement that he was stepping back. Either way it made my dad happy to have that chat with him and I like that they have a great relationship and that my husband could do that. It was never about ownership of me or.my dad saying no.

TheDevils · 08/08/2021 18:28

Only about as creepy as the honour and obey shite in traditional wedding vows that so many women still recite.

Not me!! I made sure my vows didn't include that.

AlexaShutUp · 08/08/2021 18:29

No, he didn't. I would not have wanted him to.

I can imagine what my lovely dad's reaction would have been. A kind of "what the fuck are you asking me for"Hmm response. He never regarded me or my dsis as his property, and he wouldn't have been impressed by someone asking him for permission when it obviously wasn't his decision. He might be old, but he raised us to be our own people.

TheNinny · 08/08/2021 18:30

Mine did. DF is a minister so he wanted to be seen as being proper 😂 DF didn’t blab though.

Wolframhart · 08/08/2021 18:31

If he had asked my father before proposing, I would have refused to marry him. Thankfully my husband views me as his equal partner because that is what I was looking for in a spouse.

Lulu1919 · 08/08/2021 18:31

Yes he did ....35 years ago
My daughters' now husband asked her dad ....it was just a lovely chat nothing formal

topcat2014 · 08/08/2021 18:31

I never thought to, but I remember late FIL getting a bit cut up about it.

He was 10 years older than DPs so a pre war baby and there was a bit of a generation gap in my view

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 18:31

I proposed to dh and didn't ask his Dad first.

Haha! Snap!

Such an outdated idea that you're an object being passed from your Dad to your Husband.

PickAChew · 08/08/2021 18:33

No, and even though I did the proposing, I didn't ask his father, either.

Monday26July · 08/08/2021 18:33

No, he didn’t ask him. He spoke to both parents to let them know he was going to propose, as he felt like as it was a joining of families they’d appreciate the gesture, which they did. They wouldn’t have been fussed if he hadn’t, and he wouldn’t have changed his plans if they’d expressed dismay.

It’s a bit of a farce really, it isn’t asking permission, but it’s a tradition that many people still enjoy participating in. I’d say the majority of the people
I know who’ve been married did it.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 08/08/2021 18:34

DH had a chat with my dad about how he was going to propose, but he didn't ask permission. My dad is very traditional, but DH knew how much I hate being regarded as anyones to give away. I had a big falling out with an 'Uncle' (non-blood relative) who posted publicly on Facebook about having a 'word' with DH early in our relationship. Basically warning DH to behave. He wasn't even a close uncle, I hadn't seen him in approx 10 years at the time.

I would really not have appreciated DH asking permission at all!

skodadoda · 08/08/2021 18:34

@StarryStarrySocks

Surely no-one does this nowadays?!
My son in law did.
knittingaddict · 08/08/2021 18:35

No he didn't.

Our ex son in law didn't ask either. If he had my husband would have been delighted to say NO.

It's an out dated and misogynistic practice. Women aren't property to be handed from one man to another.

RunningFromInsanity · 08/08/2021 18:36

Yes, but it was more a conversation rather than a question.
It was very sweet and my Dad didn’t tell me until after.
My partner and father are very close though.

Polkadots2021 · 08/08/2021 18:37

Nah, he said the only person able to give permission is me. And he's right Smile

stopringingme · 08/08/2021 18:37

He didn't ask for permission, he just said he had asked me and my Dad said it was about bloody time as we had been living together and my parents are of the older generation and did not approve of that sort of thing ! it is our 25th Wedding anniversary in September.

Parker231 · 08/08/2021 18:38

For those you did it, what was the conversation about? Was your mum involved in the discussion? Why would doing it be respectful?

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 08/08/2021 18:39

Yes my DP did.
I'd jokingly said he needed to remember to ask my dad if we ever got engaged. He must have thought I was serious.
Apparently my dad said something along the lines of 'erm, why are you asking me?? Ask the person you want to marry as it's none of my business and she's not my property'.
I never told my dad we'd got engaged and I don't wear my ring so he thought for a good while that I'd said no Grin.

TheCrowening · 08/08/2021 18:39

@Donotgogentle

No - if he had I’d have known he wasn’t the man for me.
This.