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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

275 replies

deeplyambivalent · 08/08/2021 18:02

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

OP posts:
LameUsernameAvailable · 09/08/2021 00:38

It’s sad that anyone thinks that a man should ask his future FIL if he can marry his daughter even if it’s done in a fun way

AlwaysLatte · 09/08/2021 00:54

Mine did, but he did ask me first.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/08/2021 00:58

no

we got engaged and told both sets of parents.
but a week later my parents had to pick me up from our holiday in France (long story) and DH & I thought it'd be funny if he asked dad by going down on one knee.
I guess you had to be there but it was quite hilarious, especially because I had to translate between them.
my dad never would have requested or expected a serious asking for his permission. it was a spur of the moment thing, us being silly

AllesAusLiebe · 09/08/2021 01:05

Similarly to @Chimboo, my DH called my father and did the courteous thing of letting him know that he was going to ask me, not to ask his permission.

It was funny as I recall the story. DH called my father up, tried his very best to speak to him in my native language (which he's pretty terrible at), to which my Dad replied in perfect English, "it's her choice, I can't promise you anything!" 😂

Gemma2019 · 09/08/2021 01:08

Yes he did, but it was nearly 30 years ago and I was 17 at the time.

Yahtze · 09/08/2021 01:10

DH asked for my mother's blessing. I actually think it's not a bad idea. If she thought I'd have said no she'd have told him. It's a lovely way to become a family. It might have come from an old wretched patriarchal tradition but it doesn't have to be done that way. It can be a lovely way to include your in-laws.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 09/08/2021 01:32

My BIL did. DF just said it was my DSis's choice.

I sort of wish we'd been tipped off though — I had no idea it was that serious, and didn't really think he was her type of person when I'd met him, so it was a bit of a shock when they phoned to tell us they were engaged! DF and DM (who he'd told) were the most natural at congratulating them, the rest of us looked like this: Shock.

480Widdio · 09/08/2021 01:34

No and I got married in 1975.

GintyMcGinty · 09/08/2021 01:53

No and my dad would have been mortified if he did.

ILoveMyCaravan · 09/08/2021 02:07

My DH had a conversation with my dad to let him know he intended to ask me later in the year. I'm so very glad he did, my dad died the following day.

Furries · 09/08/2021 02:19

Normally,, I do RTFT. Not done so on this occasion.

WTF is it still, in some peoples view,, deemed desirable for one man to give another man ‘permission” to marry a daughter.

elliejjtiny · 09/08/2021 02:23

Yes. I thought it was sweet until I found out later that my dad tried to put him off and also told my siblings before the proposal (we'd already discussed getting married and picked an engagement ring but we both wanted dh to do the traditional down on one knee with the ring bit. So I knew he was going to propose and soon but not where or when).

PeopleAreAllWeveGot · 09/08/2021 02:38

My DH tried to meet my dad to get his blessing, but DH fobbed him off so it didn't happen. At the time I so craved my narcissistic DFs approval as a father i was hugely touched that DH had tried to meet him, and gutted my DF hadn't made the time.

Now I am a bit more grown up, wiser, and LC with DF, I feel relieved he never took the chance to offer his opinion!

enoughforme · 09/08/2021 03:21

No way I'd have been offended if he did!

HealthKick2021 · 09/08/2021 03:22

Yes he did and this was only 5 years ago. My dad kept it a secret and it made me emotional that my now husband did that. ❤

HealthKick2021 · 09/08/2021 03:23

@ILoveMyCaravan

My DH had a conversation with my dad to let him know he intended to ask me later in the year. I'm so very glad he did, my dad died the following day.
❤
PhilCornwall1 · 09/08/2021 05:03

I didn't propose, we just decided to get engaged on my birthday.

It was the most romantic moment ever!! Our friend shouted from the bathroom "have you given her the ring yet?", whilst brushing his teeth.

Fifthtimelucky · 09/08/2021 08:48

It was 30 years ago, but no.

Chachachawoo · 09/08/2021 09:05

Lost my parents when I was a child.
Out of respect and I guess politeness dh spoke to my grandfather, an uncle and my 2 older brothers. This was after we had discussed marriage, but before he proposed and it just felt like a sweet gesture rather than transactional. I don't have sisters and both grandmothers had passed away.
I was early 20s if that makes a difference. Had only just started working and this was 20 years ago. So I guess from most the other responses I am out of touch.

TheDevils · 09/08/2021 09:09

Why are fathers being asked and not the mothers. Seems very odd to me. What about asking the grooms parents?

Exactly. I'm genuinely shocked at how many people still think this is acceptable...... it would be a red flag for me. I wouldn't want to marry anyone who viewed me as another man's possession.

MarianneUnfaithful · 09/08/2021 09:53

It’s the whole icky ‘men colluding about a woman’.

I would have no ‘respect’ for any future SIL of mine who came talking about my Dd, exclusively to my DH and then expected him to keep it a secret from me. Where is the ‘courtesy’ in that?

It’s just infantilising of women.

(I haven’t got any Dds. Maybe I should be prepared for future DIL’s to come asking for my Ds’s hands…)

Tereseta · 09/08/2021 09:56

Mine did and I thought it was sweet. My dad's answer wouldn't have made a difference but it was a nice thing for them to bond over, especially as my dad lives overseas so they hadn't met much.

brittleheadgirl · 09/08/2021 09:56

I would have been appalled if dh had done this and my dad would not have been impressed at all!
Dh did talk to my dc about how they felt about us marrying as he wanted to be 100% sure they were happy with the idea, this I loved!

Natashaj27 · 09/08/2021 11:11

I proposed to my partner and didn't ask his dad for permission. If my partner had proposed to me, I would have been furious if he'd asked for my dad's permission. In the same vein, when we do marry, I won't be escorted down the aisle or "given away". I'm not property.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/08/2021 11:16

Ugh. I'm marriage-free but would have LTB if he had DARED.

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