To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

[deeplyambivalent]

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

Heavens no. I would have been livid. I’m not a possession to be handed over.

My father had died but yes, DH did ask for my DM's blessing rather than her permission. This was in an informal, kind of 'I'm planning on suggesting we make the relationship permanent. Hope you will be happy about me joining the family' way.
As PP's comment, the whole church wedding is a traditional ceremony and, if that is what you want, asking 'permission' is no different to speeches, flowers, bridesmaids etc. It does no one else any harm if some of us want to do things in a certain way.

Absolutely not and he knew if he even dared there would be no marriage. I am traditional in that I wouldn't by choice have children without being married and I happily took my husband's surname but I am no and never heard was anyone's property so I didn't need permission to marry and I wasn't 'given away' at my wedding - nor did I promise to obey my husband 😂

No

I don’t have one, he did ask my son “dunno really” was his answer. I had to ask his, although we did that after the wedding had been booked, if I hadn’t it would have caused issues with his mum. His Dad wasn’t fussed and said it wasn’t his decision, his Mum said nothing to me, but I know she tried to talk him out of it and offered him saviour.

No he didn't. And we got engaged in 1984.

I wouldn't let him because I found the whole thing mortifying at the time - but I regret that now as I think my dad would have appreciated it in a way, or at least it would have been a little bond between DF and DH.

In asian culture this is still super common.

No.
I certainly wouldn't have thought it sweet. this 'tradition' has horrible roots and I for one will be glad when it is completely forgotten

No man who ever did such a thing would have ended up as my H.

Ew no.

No, and I would have been annoyed if he had. He knew that. And also, it's not my fathers place to give his blessing. My life, my choice. None of his business.

No and if he did I wouldn't marry him.

“For those you did it, what was the conversation about? Was your mum involved in the discussion? Why would doing it be respectful?”

Well, I suppose it’s just good manners and acknowledging the role the parents have had in your wife-to-be’s life. My DH mainly wanted to assure my dad that he had the right intentions and that he was financially stable and what his career plans were, etc.

My dh didn't propose, we decided to get married. He did speak to my widowed mum about though, he felt it was respectful to let her know 'officially'. I think it would be very odd to speak to the parent first, and not remotely romantic, even in Jane Austen's time (and novels) the men proposed before asking the father's permission, and that was hundreds of years ago, when women really were considered property.

No and I wouldn't have married him if he had - I'm no one's possession.

No, because I don’t belong to my dad to be given away

Only about as creepy as the honour and obey shite in traditional wedding vows that so many women still recite.

I would imagine that those who are horrified by the idea by some one asking their father first are also not saying these words during the wedding

Of course not, I don't live in the 1700s.

DH did, because he was scared of my dad who has threatened him should he not ask when the time came. Me and dad were already very low contact at this point because of his general attitude to life (the belief he is a gangsta criminal rather than a middle aged idiot who likes to throw his weight around). By the time the wedding rolled around a year later we were all fully no contact with my dad and haven't spoken to him since. DH didn't ask him because he wanted or needed to. He spoke to him because my dad is an unhinged man and it was safer to do so. He didn't tell me he'd been to see him until way after the fact because he also hadn't told me Dad had threatened him because he knew our relationship was rocky anyway and he wanted me to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my dad as his dad died young and he never got the opportunity.

Frankly any mess or drama in our family usually routes back to my dad so whilst I think it's archaic, I understand why he did it.

Yes he did!

DH spoke to my dad first, explained he'd got the ring and was planning on proposing that weekend. So not asking for permission, more a heads up.

My dad is not traditional in the slightest, but was very touched by the gesture.

At no point has it ever felt like I was my fathers "possession" or that DH needed his permission. If anything it just cemented the fact for me that DH and my dad have great relationship and that DH felt he could discuss his plans him.

Yes. Mind did. He turned out to be a raging Narc (no surprises there).

Worst mistake of my life.

No

@LindaEllen do they though? Registry office hands you a book of official words you can say, and we just picked the shortest (not weddingy people). No obey stuff in that one. I think there was a longer one, also without any obey, and then a much longer obey one.

As far as my circle goes most do not say the obey part and would be shocked to think it was common.