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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

275 replies

deeplyambivalent · 08/08/2021 18:02

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 09/08/2021 11:33

I think a lot of people don't understand that permission and approval are exactly the same things.
It isn't sweet or romantic or respectful.

Bythemillpond · 09/08/2021 13:00

What has approval got to do with anything either

BettysGotMoxie · 09/08/2021 13:01

He better not have. My dads a sexist pig at the best of times and I made it clear to my OH that the decision to marry him was mine and mine alone. Had he sought my dads ‘permission’ he’d be walking down the aisle alone.

HoboSexualOnslow · 09/08/2021 13:01

@SenecaFallsRedux

We informed my parents that we were getting married. There was no proposal (we just mutually arrived at the decision to marry) and definitely no asking for parental permission.
Same.
PrincessNutella · 09/08/2021 13:03

Oh god no. But my extremely narcissistic ex-brother -in-law did. My father found the performance overly performative and strange (not exactly the words he used but still). He was very put off by it. My sister was an adult woman who had already been divorced. Sure enough, sister got divorced from this ass hat, too.

Binnaggy · 09/08/2021 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Rosebel · 09/08/2021 15:41

My BIL asked my dad before he married my sister. Quite brave considering my dad hated him. He didn't exactly say yes but just said "what are you going to do iff I say no?"
It's bloody old fashioned though. Nothing to do with my dad who I got married to. (probably a bit late to ask in our case though as we were already living together and had two children).

barnanabas · 09/08/2021 16:00

God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I think the whole idea of proposing is odd to be honest. Surely it's something two adults decide to do together?

No honoring or obeying here either. Saw it primarily as a contract (and a party).

therocinante · 10/08/2021 09:01

@barnanabas

God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I think the whole idea of proposing is odd to be honest. Surely it's something two adults decide to do together?

No honoring or obeying here either. Saw it primarily as a contract (and a party).

Same. We inherited a nice ring from a family member. It fit me, so we decided that was my engagement ring - we'd been talking about getting married for years, so once I put it on, we considered that the 'official' point we were engaged but we'd had conversations about marriage and whether it was useful for us for ages.

I'd have been annoyed if he'd asked me to marry him before we'd had those conversations and as we had had them, it seemed a bit pointless to do a big show of pretending to ask.

Bellarime · 10/08/2021 10:24

Can anyone explain why it being “respectful” only goes one way?

brokenbiscuitsx · 11/08/2021 07:21

Nope. In fact I specifically remember telling DP after my sister insisted her DP ask our DF that I definitely wouldn’t want that. 1. I wanted to be the first to know Grin and 2. I don’t like the way it makes women a possession to give away.

Boxerbinky · 11/08/2021 07:34

Only ceremonially, we were already planning the wedding and we had a baby and house etc.. it was penned as 'asking fathers permission' but he didn't really do that. He took my dad out for a pint and just said I hope you know you can trust me to look after her. It was just a nod to my dad who was my best friend in life. My Dad wouldn't have said no, not so much asking permission, more acknowledgment of my dad and our relationship. Plus we all knew it was me that looked after everyone, my dad included. 🤣 my dad passed not long after and I like that they shared a moment.

Camomila · 11/08/2021 07:54

Sort of, he snuck to my parents house while I was at a friends party, to show my parents the ring and ask for their blessing (mum and dad equally).

He's Asian, and was brought up to be respectful of older people. He's maybe a bit too respectful though, he still finds it hard to disagree with my parents - even about silly things like dinner choices.

AnonymousCheerleader · 11/08/2021 08:01

No. Thankfully.

My dad made a comment about it, but he didn't ask my grandad's permission so no one paid him any attention.

Alonelonelyloner · 11/08/2021 08:14

God it's awful.
I would be tempted to LTB if he pulled this stunt. Seriously. Hopefully he would know me well enough to know this is a shit idea on ALL the levels.

onelittlefrog · 11/08/2021 08:14

When my ex proposed, my mum told me she was upset that he hadn't asked my father beforehand.

I was like.... Hmm... What year are we living in again?!

I love and respect my dad, but I would never marry a man who felt that gaining my father's permission was important.

FluffyPersian · 11/08/2021 08:21

No.

However I asked his mother for 'permission'..... and I bought an engagement ring for him and got down on one knee and proposed to him.

He loves me enough to know that I hate tradition for 'traditions sake' so try and do the opposite wherever possible (I never had an engagement ring, he did.... never changed my title / surname..... was the only one to do a speech at the wedding etc).

If he had asked my Dad, I'd have refused - it would mean he didn't actually know me or respect my beliefs.

UnashamedLabelHo · 11/08/2021 08:25

My father had been dead a few years but he took my mum for a really nice lunch and told her he was planning to propose. She kept it under her hat and felt very included. They get on well with each other so I think it was a nice thing to do. Not really about permission as such.

Bayleaf25 · 11/08/2021 09:00

No way, I would have hated it.

brokenbiscuitsx · 11/08/2021 09:02

@Camomila

Sort of, he snuck to my parents house while I was at a friends party, to show my parents the ring and ask for their blessing (mum and dad equally).

He's Asian, and was brought up to be respectful of older people. He's maybe a bit too respectful though, he still finds it hard to disagree with my parents - even about silly things like dinner choices.

I understand different cultures but saying he’s respectful of older people is a bit Hmm as you’re hinting that not asking a father/parent is not respectful, when they are just different cultures.
GalaxyGirl24 · 11/08/2021 09:05

DH spoke to both my mum and dad to discuss marriage (although we were 23 and living under their roof so maybe a respect thing) but I did make a point of telling them all that I didn't need permission for anything from anyone regarding marriage or my body.

PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears · 11/08/2021 09:17

Yes but it was nearly 30 years ago and I was only 18. He asked me first, then asked my dad. We had a long engagement and got married six years later.

Camomila · 11/08/2021 14:17

It wasn't meant to come out that way brokenbiscuitsx I was trying to say he thought it was the respectful thing to do, maybe I phrased it poorly.

I wouldn't have minded/cared either way.

MotherofPoodles · 11/08/2021 14:24

My husband asked my dad yes. He was in a nursing home and my dad had very little speech by then so in many ways very precious. He videoed it as evidence 🤣

GreyEyedWitch · 11/08/2021 16:44

No, I specifically asked him not to. It's a weird, outdated tradition.

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