To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

[deeplyambivalent]

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

Well, I suppose it’s just good manners and acknowledging the role the parents have had in your wife-to-be’s life. My DH mainly wanted to assure my dad that he had the right intentions and that he was financially stable and what his career plans were, etc

Did you have the good manners to reassure your DH’s Mum (and Dad) of the same things?

How many of you who are aghast at the idea of your father being consulted, had their dad walk them down the aisle / took their DH surname?

Just wondering why the "permission" thing is so frowned upon compared to the other patriarchal practices involved in getting married.

(Unmarried but been with DP for 15 years)

God no. Though as ds said the other day - having been to the first wedding he'd listened to what was going on - 'grandad would never have given you away, he'd be driving a hard bargain'.

DH asked for my parents blessing. He did so knowing that when we married it was the bringing together of families. They kept it secret.

He didn't ask for permission, as the choice was mine, not theirs.

I'd dump anyone who did that and kept my own name, I got married in a registry office so nobody gave me away and years later post divorce I'd never get married again. My home and money is for my DS and I'd never tie myself to anyone like that again.

How many of you who are aghast at the idea of your father being consulted, had their dad walk them down the aisle / took their DH surname?

My father didn't walk me down the aisle and I took my husbands surname because I didn't want my fathers.

My father is a cunt and wasn't even invited

@Crunchymum

How many of you who are aghast at the idea of your father being consulted, had their dad walk them down the aisle / took their DH surname?

Just wondering why the "permission" thing is so frowned upon compared to the other patriarchal practices involved in getting married.

(Unmarried but been with DP for 15 years)

What makes you think that they aren't all frowned upon? You aren't speaking from experience. If you get married in a registry office there often isn't an aisle and plenty of women don't change their name.

No. And I wouldn’t have wanted him to. To be fair he also didn’t propose in any traditional sense, we just decided. My dad would have thought it was ridiculous (he didn’t ask my grandfather, who also thought the whole thing was ridiculous).

I don’t understand it even as something done out of “respect”. What other major life decisions as an adult are discussed with your parents before being discussed with you, out of respect.

Not unless he did it via a seance ….

No, because my father did not own me.

DH didn't ask permission, but wanted my dad to know. They're very close and I think he probably just wanted that moment with him as his own father is rather absent.

Absolutely not! Even then, almost 40 years ago, I thought it was a long outdated practice. Just as I felt, and still do, that insisting on a 'proposal' or expecting my parents to pay for the wedding was outdated. DH and I decided together and told our parents of our decision.

First XDH did and second XDH didn't

I think he did actually 🤔

@Crunchymum - got married 26 years ago. DH didn’t ask permission/blessing from my DF, I don’t have engagement or wedding rings, didn’t have an isle to walk down, kept my surname (never understood why anyone does. Always seems to be women don’t like theirs but the future DH has a much nicer name - what rubbish). DC’s have double barrelled surname. Close relationship with my family and DH’s.

No. And I told him I would say no if he asked.
Instead of asking for permission, my husband told my mum he was planning on asking me. He didn’t say when/where or anything, so she couldn’t spoil it. He asked her to tell my dad when he got home from work.

No, but he’d been dead a good few years by then.
Our son-in-law sought our approval and support rather than our permission.
Our son asked his future father in law for permission to ask his daughter.
There were no surprises, just upholding traditions and showing respect for parents.

Christ no. We did seek approval from my daughter though.

My dad passed before I met my partner but my daughters now husband asked her dad which I thought was sweet x

Ha ha we told my parents after we got married as we eloped, we picked the shortest legal statements to get married (no promise to obey here) and I kept my own name.

Nope.

The whole notion of men 'proposing' seems a little outdated to me, never mind asking permission! Surely it's a mutual decision. I mean don't get me wrong, it can be nice if one partner asks the other, just I still hear so many women getting annoyed because their boyfriends haven't proposed yet. If you want to get married, just say so. I digress. Like many others, I wouldn't marry a man who had asked my father's permission.

@Crunchymum

How many of you who are aghast at the idea of your father being consulted, had their dad walk them down the aisle / took their DH surname?

Just wondering why the "permission" thing is so frowned upon compared to the other patriarchal practices involved in getting married.

(Unmarried but been with DP for 15 years)

DH and I walked down the aisle together.

No one has changed their name, the children have both names hyphenated and as a family we tend to be referred to as the ‘Smith-Bowns’.

There were speeches by an equal number of men and women at the wedding. No ‘groom toasts the bridesmaids and the best man replies on their behalf’ as is the basis of the read set up.

No toe curling ‘nudge nudge’ speeches about the groom, etc etc.

It is possible to have a ceremony and some relaxed formality, an ‘occasion’ with some structure, without the patriarchal cliches.

No and no.

Dd's Bf didn't ask me, no Dad involved, and they decided together to get engaged anyway, I helped choose the ring!