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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is potentially one and done….

197 replies

colajay11 · 08/08/2021 14:48

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

OP posts:
nocoffeenobooze · 08/08/2021 14:52

Your DC is still so young.
I understand the yearning, and if you're anything like me - once you get an idea you run with it.
But please try and take a step back. Wait till DC is a bit older, and see what happens.
There are many benefits to having an only child - statistically they're much more likely to succeed in life, you'll have more time, energy, money to provide wonderful experiences for them.
Try and be flexible.
But ultimately, yes. If it turns out you both want different things then you may part ways. Give it time.

nancydroo · 08/08/2021 14:54

I think the compromise is giving him more time, letting go of having them close together. My husband wanted three but was so taken aback with the pressures of the first one he was adamant he'd never have another.
Then 4.5 years later he started getting really broody!? Did not see it coming. So there's hope.
As far as adopting, the vetting is so in depth as you probably know, that a social worker would identify pretty quickly if one of you were not fully committed.

joystir59 · 08/08/2021 15:06

If you love him and are happy with him just focus on enjoying what you have.

TeenMinusTests · 08/08/2021 15:12

If your heart isn't in adoption the assessing SW will probably notice and you won't get approved anyway. No way should you adopt (especially with a birth child) if you aren't fully committed.

Dozer · 08/08/2021 15:15

Your H sounds unrealistic about adoption. That might not even be a feasible option, and can be very much more difficult than parenting a biological DC without any additional needs.

Dozer · 08/08/2021 15:17

For example, you probably wouldn’t be recommended for adoption given that your strong preference is for another biological child.

GrandmasCat · 08/08/2021 15:21

The bottom line is he doesn’t want another kid at this time, so you either wait until he is ready (if he does) or start packing your bags to find a way to get your second (not with him) as soon as you want.

UnbeatenMum · 08/08/2021 15:23

I always wanted to adopt and we did after having two birth children, but DH was as keen as me when we started the process, it's really not a good idea if your heart isn't in it.

dottydodah · 08/08/2021 15:23

I dont think YABU at all! I sometimes think that we have so many choices ATM that no one would have even considered even a few years ago! I am with you here ,most women want to have a Biological child its just a fact of life really .Adopted children have often had a difficult upbringing, and many will have problems sadly .7 months is very young still .Try to concentrate on your LO for now and see how you feel later on.

YoungWerther · 08/08/2021 15:27

YABU. Please don't badger him into having a child he doesn't want. You'll end up doing all the donkey work and you'll both resent each other.

NoSquirrels · 08/08/2021 15:29

Your baby is less than a year old - give it time. I think you should both agree that this discussion should take place in 6 months time. No pressure at all on anyone to think about it before then.

At that point, if you need it you could have joint counselling to work through your fears, hopes, assumptions etc.

Try not to add adoption to the pack of worries right now. In another 6 months, revisit the issue of whether you both see your family being bigger. Go from there.

But don’t catastrophize (“I’ll never have another baby”), don’t pressure and give each other grace.

And enjoy your DC1!

Ansjovis · 08/08/2021 15:31

I'd strongly recommend seeking help in order to help you find peace with your family unit as it is. I have a friend who split from her husband because she became obsessed with having another child when her husband said firmly he was done. She never ended up having any more children and I think she underestimated the difficulties co-parenting would bring but it's too late to turn back from it now. What happened to her may or may not happen to you but my friend's experience shows that splitting is a big gamble and it's something you should give a lot of thought to if separation really is an option for you.

OaxacaChihuahua · 08/08/2021 15:32

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard.

In many ways I’m the one in your husband’s position - I was sure I would want at least two, but since having my son I’ve realised I’m one and done. My husband would like to have another, but he is also happy to follow my lead.

I don’t really have any advice - I feel guilty for not wanting another when I know he does, but I can’t make myself feel differently.

If you love your husband and the life you have with your baby, I think your best bet is to really focus on finding a way to not focus on your want for another child and see if, with time, the desire lessens.

I’m really sorry - it’s a horrible dilemma to have.

pasadeda · 08/08/2021 15:35

You have a very young child.

Stop arguing about extending your family and enjoy the family you have.

topcat2014 · 08/08/2021 15:44

We had a child placed with us for adoption (with already having a 'birth' child).

For various reasons, the placement broke down after a short time.

Not sure I will ever get over that.

So, if you can have more BC then I would go that way.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 08/08/2021 15:46

As far as adopting, the vetting is so in depth as you probably know, that a social worker would identify pretty quickly if one of you were not fully committed.

I agree with PPs on this.

DinosaurDiana · 08/08/2021 15:46

The resentment will never leave you.
Please don’t spend your fertile years waiting for him to decide, he might just be stringing you along until it’s impossible for you.
You need to decide what is more important, him or another child.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/08/2021 15:47

I think this is still early on to decide this, your baby is only 7 months old. Most people are still shell shocked at this stage.

I agree his ideas about adoption are not realistic. Even if you are approved you are more likely to get a young child with known difficulties due to neglect than a cute baby.

RedHelenB · 08/08/2021 15:49

My theory is we women know the no. Of babies we want and if we can't have them for whatever reason our hormones make us suffer! I was so broody after my second, I can't begin to describe it. Once my family was completed in my mind I just relaxed , could coo about, love and hold other babies without the ache.
I think your dh needs to decide if he does in fact want another because the adoptive process takes time. Plus if you're talking about adopting a baby then there really aren't that many in the adoptive system, because rightfully SS try to keep families together.

grafittiartist · 08/08/2021 15:52

7 months isn't long at all.
Give it time.

Lockheart · 08/08/2021 15:54

The reality of having a child is a huge shock for most people, and it's no surprise that people might change their minds about how many children they want after the first one comes along. It's all very well having dreams about wanting X number of kids, but if you have one and it's a nightmare then you need to re-think!

I'm not saying your DH is finding your current child a nightmare, but even the easiest baby is still incredibly hard work.

You either need to back off and respect how he feels, see if he changes his mind in the future and accept the risk that he won't, or you need to leave the relationship and find someone else who does want a baby now, although honestly meeting someone new and having a baby with them instantly (if you want two children close in age, this will be your only option) is generally a poor idea.

You need to decide which you want more - the family you have now, or another baby.

Notashandyta · 08/08/2021 15:54

I think I disagree with most of the comments on here!

It's not about badgering your oh. You really want a second child, which is not an usual desire for alot of mums.

You and your partner are right in the thick of adjusting to becoming parents there. Give it another 6 months to a year and have another chat. Try to chill out for now.
Things may've totally changed by then.

We found having one the hardest. Much easier once you get past babyhood to have two playing together...

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 08/08/2021 15:54

7mo is so early! He is probably still getting used to life as a parent and might still be reeling a bit from the massive life change. I definitely was at that stage!

He may very well change his mind in time, it took DH and I 5.5 years but might be quicker for you.

TheCrowening · 08/08/2021 15:56

Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

An adopted child would still be a sibling…

I suspect you would struggle to be approved for adoption anyway given it’s quite obviously not for you, and I wonder if your husband also understands the reality of that commitment to a child who is likely to have experienced trauma.

As for a second child - it’s very soon after the birth of your first to be fretting about this, and would you really choose to deprive that child of their father solely for want of a potential sibling?

Treezan82 · 08/08/2021 15:57

Honestly you have a 7 month old - you don't need to be thinking about this now. Agree not to think about or discuss it for another 6-12 months then re-visit.