Husband is potentially one and done….

[colajay11]

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

This was me, when DC1 was 8 months old having another was ALL I could think about, I swear hormones are dropping or something around that stage because I was obsessed and my husband was really put off. We ended up leaving the discussion for a later point and I got pregnant with DC2 when DC1 was 19m old. Out of all of my friends with children I'm the one with the smallest age gap between my DC..... most waited until the oldest one was 3 or going to school before getting pregnant again. What I'm trying to say is you have time, put the conversation on ice and revisit it again next year. Just enjoy your baby for now. You have the toddler stage ahead which is exhausting....a 7 month old is a doddle in comparison (IMO) and I certainly wouldn't have wanted a smaller age gap than I ended up with, I was knackered! Give it time and say to yourself and DH that you'll discuss again in 6 to 12m and go from there.

I wanted 2-3 kids until I found out how exhausting and boring they are, so I’ve stopped at one. Not everyone enjoys parenthood and you can’t make him have a second child. Your choice is to accept his decision or leave. But if you leave, what are your chances of meeting someone else as a single mother and getting into a serious relationship before you’re too old? You’re basically throwing away a good husband and ending your child’s opportunity to grow up with his dad, on the off chance that you “might” meet someone to have another child.

I was one and done until now. DD will be 7 when baby is born!!

I think I'd want to revisit the conversation when your LO is around 18 months. If he's still adamant at that stage, then I'd start to do some soul searching but not at this stage.

And your DH needs to spend some time talking to people who have adopted. It's not the thing that used to happen in the 50s and 60s when single mothers were shamed into handing babies over.

Wow, lots of people on here telling OP how to feel

She wants two children with a small age gap. Telling her she shouldn't want that is not particularly helpful.

That said, OP, the reality is that you have a finite number of options.

• stay and hope he changes his mind at some point

• leave and hope to find someone quickly who's willing to try for a child (but the timeline on that would probably be years)

• go it alone with sperm donation

I totally understand how you feel, I started trying for #2 when #1 was 3 months old. My circumstances were different from yours though.

If I were you, I would try to open up to the possibility of a bigger age gap and give your partner time to decide. If he decided against a second child I'd then decide if I can accept it or if I'd go for sperm donor. But that's me, you need to figure out what works for you.

In case this helps, having two close together (19 month difference) I can now see a lot more clearly the advantages of a bigger age gap. Having two so dépendant is hard and I do sometimes think of all the cool things I could do with #1 if I didn't have a second to worry about. I still believe that I'll reap the benefits of the close age gap when they're older, but I now feel like a close age gap isn't as important as I once thought.

There is another option which is that you split and have another with someone else.

In your heart of hearts is that better or worse than what you have? X

There's two aspects to consider. Is there a pattern in your relationship of your DH seemingly making commitments and then 'changing his mind'? If so then there might be an imbalance in your relationship that you need to address. It's bigger than the issue of DCs. It can be a sign the relationship is abusive

That is idiotic and insulting to women who are actually being abused.

No one who isn't yet a parent has a fucking clue how they will feel about parenthood. There was a MN thread in the week about how many kids people thought they would have (pre-kids) versus how many they really do. Almost everyone who thought pre-kids they would have 3 or more had ended up with less. Are all those people abusing their partners? Or are they people who have found that the reality of parenthood was harder than they expected, and so adjusted their plans to have the number of kids they can cope with?

What kind of idiot would have a child they didn't want because they thought pre-kids that they might want it? Does that strike you as a recipe for a happy family?

They just want their old life back

That's a daft statement.

Thank you everyone for all of your opinions. I must say, this is a great place to come for advice and I must make sure I pay it forward and comment more on other people’s dilemmas!

I am 33 and DH is 37 (a few of you asked for this info) so i don’t feel personally we have much time to play with.

Reading all of your helpful advice… I think that I will have to just park it and give it some time. I will probably look to discuss again when I’m due back to work. If we really are one and done I think that will impact whether I return to my previous (High pressured long hours) job or perhaps search for something new.

I’m totally open to a bigger age gap but I don’t want to be having a baby much past 36 - just personal choice! I think adoption is off the cards for me though.

I don’t think I could leave my husband. I don’t want any baby… I want his baby 😭

Im feeling especially hormonal and emotional and wonder if I’m experiencing some PND to be honest. I find myself crying most days about DS growing and getting bigger. I probably just need some decent sleep and some perspective…

You'll feel a lot better in a few months OP. Give yourself permission to park this thought for a while and take that added mental load off yourself. As I said up thread, I was DESPERATE to start trying for a second when my eldest was 8 months.....after I left it a while and got pregnant nearly a year later I looked back and wondered what the hell I was thinking. Even a 2y age gap was hard work (but worth it.) You have plenty of time and as you say yourself DH isn't saying definitely not. Give both of you a break and see out the rest of this year then revisit in the spring.

Has he actually given you any specific reasons why he doesn't want another biological child?

There are so many of these threads lately about the partner/husband turning round and saying they don't want another child - have to say this never happened to me but that is because I earn lot more than DH who barely feels the impact of whether we have one child or ten and I do all night feeds and bulk of the childcare and house duties (I'm happy with that by the way before anyone starts) - I also work full time and have done since children were 20 weeks old. I have given my husband no reason to say that he couldn't "cope" either physically emotionally or crucially financially if we had more children and it's perhaps something to think about OP too? You will have inadvertently given him more say If he is expected to pick up the financial cost of another child or expected to (as MN threads regularly demand!) that he work full time whilst also doing his share of night feeds and household duties whilst you are on maternity leave? If you desperately want another child then you need to play the long game here and show him that having another would have little impact on him?

Lots of good advice but I just think he is really selfish.
His position of "maybe" is utterly spoiling this time with your baby.

I think it is completely unreasonable to be saying maybe nor more.

Speaking only for myself I would have been so pissed off with my husband for thinking he could tell me that I was only going to have one child.

It strikes me as hugely controlling and really selfish.

I realise in my late 50's the world has changed but if my husband pulled this shit with me 20+ years ago, it would have been a real deal breaker.

I really think it is an awful thing to do to a new mother.

You need to step away from this man and think of yourself because I think he has massively let you down and broken your trust.

I also think its so fxxking unkind.

This is the painful thing about relationships. You have to compromise if you're not on the same page, or walk away.

None of us can tell you what to do, or what to feel. There is no right or wrong answer. Your husband has been honest with you - and nobody can predict their future feelings with certainty. You've been honest with him too.

I know that if it was me, I'd personally choose to keep a partner I dearly loved and compromise on the number of children, the age gap, or the adoption aspect. It's not about getting our dream fulfilled at all costs. We don't always get everything we dream of. I'm a massive dreamer, and I know what it's like to get fixated on one set idea of what I want things to be like. But I also know that when dreams don't come to fruition, life has a way of bringing other great things, and dreams can evolve from there.

The irony is that if you were open to adoption, you could potentially give your existing child a sibling of a similar age, at a point when your husband actually feels ready. Just something to think about.

But in either case, obviously it's not a good idea to adopt if you don't wholeheartedly want to; nor to have another child if your husband doesn't wholeheartedly want to. There are enough kids in the world born to parents who don't entirely cherish them.

@billy1966

Lots of good advice but I just think he is really selfish. His position of "maybe" is utterly spoiling this time with your baby.

I think it is completely unreasonable to be saying maybe nor more.

Speaking only for myself I would have been so pissed off with my husband for thinking he could tell me that I was only going to have one child.

It strikes me as hugely controlling and really selfish.

I realise in my late 50's the world has changed but if my husband pulled this shit with me 20+ years ago, it would have been a real deal breaker.

I really think it is an awful thing to do to a new mother.

You need to step away from this man and think of yourself because I think he has massively let you down and broken your trust.

I also think its so fxxking unkind.

What utter bollocks. If a female poster posted that her baby was only 7m, but her DH was pressurising her to have another, and talking about leaving if she wouldn't, the whole of MN would be slagging the DH off.

It's not the DH who is spoiling the OP's time with her DD: it's the OP's own inability to focus on the child she already has.

It is not controlling to say that you are not ready to have another child, when your baby is only 7m old. Nor is it unkind or selfish.

What is unkind and selfish is for anyone, male or female, to pressure their partner into having a baby that the partner doesn't want. That's cruel to the partner but it's even more cruel to the children of the relationship.

Why is your husband so keen on adoption. Does he have the fantasy of rescuing a cute little baby or does he actually understand the challenges involved in taking on an often older child with attachment issues and developmental trauma. Does he understand the adoption approval process and how long and arduous it is?

I don't know why so many people are minimising your feelings tbh, many people want dc close together and as you say your ages are factors too, but it's not urgent. If park it for a year then re visit/ reassess. You need to think if you'll end up with growing resentment over the years if the answer is no

@twinningatlife - I am the breadwinner and we earn a very comfortable living between us. I even saved enough so that he wouldn’t have to really pay much more in to our joint account over my maternity leave. He sleeps in the spare room as our baby is a terrible sleeper and id rather he got some sleep. I’d say I do around 80% of all household chores.
His reasons for not wanting another - he wants to give our DS everything and all the love and attention. He does tend to be a bit against ‘social norms’ in general i would say and doesn’t like the constant questions about when we will have another and says it’s turning him the other way (from others, not me). He also thinks that our planet is in such a terrible state and overpopulated that we shouldn’t be adding to the issue. I know these are valid points but my heart rules over my head on this one.

I’ve woken today wondering how the hell I’m going to be patient and wait 6-12 months to see how he feels. And the worry if he doesn’t change his mind. Lack of sleep won’t be helping but my anxiety about this is sky high.

I should also say to some posters that my worrying about this does not take away how much I am ‘enjoying’ baby no1. He is my world and gets all of my attention so please don’t imply otherwise.

You need sleep. Your DH needs to start taking a share of nights. Now is the perfect time, as you start to think of a gentle transition towards going back to work. You’ve done 6 months + of nights, now you need to start changing the balance. Work on that first.

OP,

So he really is doing very very little if you are the main provider and do nearly everything including all the nights.

He certainly doesn't sound like any great prize.

Try not to stress yourself about this.

If he doesn't agree to what you want considering just how little he does and contributes, don't stay in the relationship.

I certainly wouldn't sacrifice my dream of another child for a man who does SO little.

You can do better.

I should also say my baby is EBF and utterly refuses a bottle - we’ve tried everything!!

@colajay11

I should also say my baby is EBF and utterly refuses a bottle - we’ve tried everything!!

My first was like that but you do need to persevere - over 6/7 months you can get them to accept a bottle/drop a lot of night feeds/self-settle or be comforted more by the less-favoured parent but you have to work as a team and be consistent.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow oh give it up with your “gender role reversal scenarios. You do realise men and women have completely difference experiences in relation to reproduction. Stop pretending it’s equivalent / the same. It’s not!!

@billy1966 for what it’s worth I agree with you. But women these days seem to believe it’s selfish to want babies, and that women who want them should just “get over it”.

It's not ideal to conceive before your previous baby is at least a year old anyway, your body needs time to restock and recover. Just leave it for now and enjoy your baby. If your husband doesn't want one now, he might once the baby is a toddler.

But ultimately, if you can't agree to either having another baby or adopting, do neither. He did tell you he wasn't sure about having two biologically.

Looking at the adoption, please be aware HOW difficult this could be. It is a very 'noble' choice but brings lots of issues and difficulties.
In the past many children were placed for adoption by bp wanting them to have a better life etc/stigma of being unmarried. Nowadays many children are up for adoption after being removed by Social services for whatever reason. These children have often been in traumatic pregnancies - alcohol/drugs/dv and this has now been proven to affect their brain development (high cortisol levels) which can affect them for life. So even if removed at birth they could have intense problems which can be improved (never removed) but it is intensly hard work (lots of new training, therapuetic parenting) and can affect bc and personal relationships.
Its a great idea but lots of people have an 'ideal' image of doing good/improving a childs life etc. You believe you understand the possible outcomes, but until you are in that situation you dont really know the effect this could have on you and your family, by which time you have made a promise to a very vulnerable child.

I’d be the same as you, we had ours close together and I’m glad we did. I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty of not knowing whether I’d have more, it would break my relationship. I’m sorry, I have no advice. I hope he comes round

Glad that you are taking some time to think about this. 7 months in and sleep deprived with possible PND is not the time to be making snap decisions. If you’re only 33 then you’ve got time to decide what you want. Of course you’re perfectly entitled to listen to some of the barmy advice on here encouraging you to leave your husband. These “go girl” posters don’t need to live with the repercussions of single parenthood with no guarantee of a 2nd child.

A more sensible approach would be to wait a year or so and see how you both feel. If the need for another child is still strong and your DH is still not keen then you can decide what to do. There are no guarantees that you will meet someone new that you want to have a child with and who is also keen. Only you can decide whether it is the right course of action for you. Take some time, try to enjoy being mum to your baby and try not to let this spoil this time.