Husband is potentially one and done….

[colajay11]

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

@Newmumatlast you’re missing the part where my dh would respect that I carry the family load in all areas and hence support me in major decisions. So not one person making it but two people agreeing one person gets to and the other will go along wiht that. How many people here post supportively of men getting a bit of down time to themselves etc when they work long hours to support the family? The op is the breadwinner, parent and housecleaner, which are all the main activities of a home and family. This does seem to be through her choice which frankly is nuts.

[quote Bizawit]@newmumatlast

And Will all the people moralising about the future child please give it a bloody rest.

There are all kinds of families: single families , blended families, nuclear families. All are valid , and all can result in both happy or unhappy situations.

Sometimes children are planned , and one or more of their parents turns out to be pretty crappy for any number of reasons (including deciding they can’t really be bothered to be parents after all). Many children aren’t planned or wanted at first, but are deeply loved and treasured.

Life isn’t simple.

And if we are going to go down this road: OP’s current, living child also deserves a happy mum. Not one who’s constantly in tears, living in a state of unfulfilled desire because of her husband’s choices.[/quote]
Absolutely agree there are all types of families and that all are valid. But it is very different ending up in a situation compared to actively choosing it. If you do have the opportunity to choose, it is responsible to choose a projected outcome that doesnt just suit your own interests. I absolutely acknowledge that many children arent wanted at first or planned and then are deeply loved etc but that isnt always the case. Why wouldnt you plan for the best, given the luxury of planning? And yes her current child deserves a happy mum - but imagine being that child knowing that your mum is that cut up about not having another child, feeling like you are therefore not enough. Therapy would make more sense and then if a second does happen, with all parties content with it, happy days and if not, mum is able to cope with her own emotions

[quote timeisnotaline]@Newmumatlast you’re missing the part where my dh would respect that I carry the family load in all areas and hence support me in major decisions. So not one person making it but two people agreeing one person gets to and the other will go along wiht that. How many people here post supportively of men getting a bit of down time to themselves etc when they work long hours to support the family? The op is the breadwinner, parent and housecleaner, which are all the main activities of a home and family. This does seem to be through her choice which frankly is nuts.[/quote]
I didnt miss that part. Appreciate though that your DH is making the choice to do something he doesnt want to do for your sake as you will carry the burden - however I dont think that it is particularly healthy to actively enter into a situation you know both people dont really want but one is pacifying the other. I personally wouldn't want to be the child that was the outcome of that and know friends in that situation who didnt have happy time of it. Maybe that colours my view. I just think the decision to have a child is inherently a selfish one but it can be a better decision where everything is properly considered and both parents actively want the child.

Therapy would make more sense

I can’t believe we live in a culture where we think the “solution” to one of the most basic, natural and powerful desires in the world is “therapy”. Thanks but no thanks. I’d rather live in a world where women are supported and empowered to make their own reproductive choices, and not guilted or manipulated into repressing them (through some fictional / hypothetical story about how they could potentially cause harm to others).

@Bizawit do you think a woman should have as many children as she wants regardless of any other factors eg finances, impact on partner, impact on other children?

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Bizawit do you think a woman should have as many children as she wants regardless of any other factors eg finances, impact on partner, impact on other children?[/quote]
I already answered this in a previous comment.

@Bizawit

Therapy would make more sense

I can’t believe we live in a culture where we think the “solution” to one of the most basic, natural and powerful desires in the world is “therapy”. Thanks but no thanks. I’d rather live in a world where women are supported and empowered to make their own reproductive choices, and not guilted or manipulated into repressing them (through some fictional / hypothetical story about how they could potentially cause harm to others).

You're the one living in a parallel world.

Women DO have agency over the number of children they have. But you don't have children in a vacuum.

A woman might want five daughters, but if she doesn't work and has no means to support herself, or already has two sons, that's not going to happen.

We can't always get what we want.

The OP says she could foresee her with two kids close in age. But just because we imagine something doesn't guarantee it can happen.

All sorts of tragedies occur that wipe our achievements away in the blink of an eye, and often our lives can change forever. We adapt and move on.

Like with all decisions in life, we have to make our choices. It's simply being an adult.

[quote Bizawit]@newmumatlast

And Will all the people moralising about the future child please give it a bloody rest.

There are all kinds of families: single families , blended families, nuclear families. All are valid , and all can result in both happy or unhappy situations.

Sometimes children are planned , and one or more of their parents turns out to be pretty crappy for any number of reasons (including deciding they can’t really be bothered to be parents after all). Many children aren’t planned or wanted at first, but are deeply loved and treasured.

Life isn’t simple.

And if we are going to go down this road: OP’s current, living child also deserves a happy mum. Not one who’s constantly in tears, living in a state of unfulfilled desire because of her husband’s choices.[/quote]
This situation is different. This isn’t a single parent chosing to have a child alone this is someone who has a partner that currently doesn’t want another child. Anyone who purposely has a child with someone who doesn’t want one is selfish and reckless. It is really unfair on the person who is coerced or tricked into having a child but it’s far more unfair on the child.

I’d have a child without a partner but I’d never have a child with someone who didn’t want one.

*Omg so in one fell swoop you have said that she has an “option”, to leave and then shamed her that it would be wrong to do so: unfair on her child you say. She would be responsible for “breaking up a happy home”. And her husband? What responsibility does he have?

No wonder women don’t feel they have choices over their reproduction, when they have people like you shaming them into silencing their most important and fundamental desires.*

So you think the op should have whatever she wants without consequences? It might well be a fundamental desire but not all desires can or should be fulfilled.

I'm not shaming anyone and you're being ridiculous to suggest i am. The consequence of a woman leaving her husband to have a second baby with someone else is that the first child will then have a split home. And if the only reason is to have another baby then how is it in the interest of the first child? You're the one who brought the word shame into it, not me.

But in my opinion, when someone becomes a parent their obligation is to consider their child first above everything else.

When our DD was born, DH was quite sure he didn't want any more as he found it tough. I knew I wanted more. I brought it up every so often and when she turned one, he had come round to my way of thinking but wanted to wait a few months.
I'm not saying pressurise him into your way of thinking but I would say that you need to express exactly why you don't only want one.
I get that it is hard work but the majority of the early hard work will be done by you (growing said baby for 9 months and I assume feeding said baby for at least 6 months)

You're the one living in a parallel world

I’m really not. Of course there are circumstances where things happen that are beyond our control. Miscarriage / infertility, financial circumstances etc.

But we are not taking about circumstances like that. OP appears to be reproductively capable and finally secure. (Allegedly she earns more than her husband). OP does not need “therapy” to repress her desire to have a second child. Her desire for a second child is natural and legitimate.

I’m sorry there are so many women on this thread moralising about when it’s right and wrong for other women to have babies, but hopefully not too many women take it to heart. There are all sorts of ways to have children, and it is not selfish to choose to do so.

I made choices for myself and I support other women to do so. I will raise my girls to do the same. Maybe my world is different to yours. If is - what can I say- that’s a darned shame.

But in my opinion, when someone becomes a parent their obligation is to consider their child first above everything else

You have no idea what is in the best interests of OP’s child. To presume you do , and to judge another women’s choices on the basis of that, is quite frankly appalling.

Is OP’s husband putting their child first? Would it be better for their son to have an adopted sibling compared to a bio one? Or is he mainly thinking of what he wants? Why are you having a go at OP and not her DH? Why is he free to make his choices in a vacuum?

(Or to be an only child/ have no sibling at all).

Why are you having a go at OP and not her DH? Why is he free to make his choices in a vacuum?

I'm not having a go at anyone. I can only imagine you've had something happen in your personal life to be projecting so badly. It is baffling that you think a woman's desire to have a baby should trounce absolutely everything else though.

A child should be wanted by both its parents. The dp can't make himself want a child. I'm not going to respond to you again though. You're clearly just looking for an argument.

Thank you all so much for some really interesting and helpful viewpoints. I will have a proper read this evening.

Ultimately I think I just have to give it time and lots of hope ❤️

I did not expect to have such a huge response, truly amazing!

There are very, very few babies available for adoption, and I don't think they are available to fertile couples.

Hi everyone, it’s been three weeks since my post and I wanted to give you an update.

My husband and I agreed not to mention it further and for the last three weeks I’ve focused solely on my little baby and tried to not worry about things.

Also have been put on some anti anxiety meds which have been a godsend and seem to have really, really worked!

Anyway….

My husband yesterday, very subtly dropped in to conversation that perhaps a biological sibling one day would be a good thing for our son. I gently probed further and he said he had been thinking about it deeply and was definitely open to the idea.

All my worries melted away in that moment and now I feel so so much happier!

@colajay11

Hi everyone, it’s been three weeks since my post and I wanted to give you an update.

My husband and I agreed not to mention it further and for the last three weeks I’ve focused solely on my little baby and tried to not worry about things.

Also have been put on some anti anxiety meds which have been a godsend and seem to have really, really worked!

Anyway….

My husband yesterday, very subtly dropped in to conversation that perhaps a biological sibling one day would be a good thing for our son. I gently probed further and he said he had been thinking about it deeply and was definitely open to the idea.

All my worries melted away in that moment and now I feel so so much happier!

Awww so happy to read your update OP ☺️🥰🥰🥰. Maybe you not mentioning it took the pressure off a little bit.

Delighted for you OP and that the meds have helped you.

Wishing you the best.

The problem here can be boiled down to your statement "...and can't imagine it any other way". Sorry, life just doesn't work like that. Be grateful for what you have and sure, hope for more of you like, but expecting/demanding is rather different.

Great news OP! So happy for you! Also such good news about the meds and how you are feeling

Yay! What a lovely update! X