Husband is potentially one and done….

[colajay11]

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

Thank you again for all of your comments and advice.

My DH got home from work today and could see I was visibly not myself… he asked what was wrong and I told him this was weighing heavily on my mind after the chat at the weekend.
Outcome of this - he said… (again)

Be patient
I’m not 100% sure yet
It’s too early
He can’t give me an answer
I’m being impatient and unfair and putting him under immense pressure
He wants to enjoy DC1 before even thinking about another

He’s absolutely right and I feel awful for pressuring him. I’ve told him I’m going to be patient and hold the convo for a while and we can see how we both feel next year. He was very grateful and assured me that if at any point it’s a firm ‘NO’ he will of course make me aware but that’s not the case right now.

I have a real feeling (hope perhaps) that he will come round on this one. He is amazing with our son and has loved fatherhood more than he realised he would. He himself is from a very large very happy family and I hope that he will want the same for our son. I have a feeling that I will get what I want one day but maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

I’ve never been very good at uncertainty and I’m extremely impatient by nature so this is killer for me but I’m going to have to show some restraint I think!

The adoption thing is absolutely off the cards. All posters are right, he has no idea really what it involves and he agreed today that he would worry about the impact on our DS. (At least we agree on something!)

I’m totally emotionally exhausted and hope that with a bit of time and maybe some sleep I might feel happier and more patient but we will see…….

I seem to remember when my DS was around your child's age my hormones were at peak making me broody and fucking crazy stage! We did try for another but it took 4 miscarriages and 3 years before i conceived again. Try to calm down, recognise that your body and hormones are driving quite a bit of these feelings and give it time. It sounds like your DH may well want another in time but he's wise to want the first year over before making any big decisions.

"I’m totally emotionally exhausted"

You need some help with that. From your husband. He's "great with DS" yet needs shielding from the difficult parts and gets his beauty sleep every night in another room?

Seriously, you need to be talking about him pulling his weight, not being grateful he might just let you go through all this again!

@uktrippin - it’s actually my decision he sleeps in the spare room. He travels far for work and works at heights in a dangerous role a lot of the time and I worry about him being unsafe. Also, he snores which means I struggle to get to sleep in between my sons frequent wake ups. It just suits us all round as a family.
He’s also out of the house 7-7 most days so naturally the bulk of child and house work falls to me… he frequently tells me to relax and just leave it for him.

He would be horrified if he knew I was trying to shield him from the more difficult days - I do that because I want him to want another, it’s probably more me being crazy than him being an awful husband….

He is right that your child is so very very young and that you both need to focus on enjoying him at the moment

I haven’t voted.

Same position here. Always planned on two, then we had one and a few months later when I said about putting things aside for another DH told me he had been thinking and realised he was one and done.

He has his reasons, which I don’t disagree with (financial, health, lack of support etc.), but it was a real blow and took some time to get my head around. DC is now 20m and with my age we’d be wanting to try pretty soon anyway, and he’s just not there. He acknowledges he might eventually change his mind but doesn’t see that happening.

I’ve accepted it. In my view, you both have to really want a child to have one, and it would be unfair of me to put any pressure on him or try hold him to his wishes back when we didn’t know what it was like to be a parent. I would never try and talk him round or anything as ultimately in a scenario where only one person wants a child it would be extremely unfair on the potential child to try and push a reluctant parent into it.

You and I have options here, we’re not just passive bystanders. But my options are to leave him and try meet someone else for a second or to stay, and I wholeheartedly choose to stay. He’s the most incredible dad I’ve ever come across. Sometimes I feel envy for my friends whose partners want more or who are happy to let the mother decide on the number of kids, but then I remind myself that DH is quite a bit more involved with DC than theirs is so it’s a different calculation. DH is very cautious when thinking about more kids because it affects him practically, financially and emotionally as much as it does me. Compared to some relationships I see where the mother takes on the primary caregiver role and dad just helps out.

Initially I was trying to convince myself to be okay with this while honouring my feelings, but as time has gone on I have come around to being happy with one too, emotionally I would like more but practically I recognise it would be to our existing child’s detriment and I think we’d be biting off more than we can chew. Our life is amazing. We get to be parents and fully enjoy it, no money worries, time for satisfying careers, happy social life. I know much of that would change with a second. It’s like we both had an idealised vision in our minds of life with two kids because it’s the default, but now we have experienced one we are better placed to actually know what it would be like and the challenges.

You have every right to be hurt and upset over this and I really recommend individual therapy if you’re struggling to come to terms with it, even if just to decide whether you are happy to accept this or it’s a dealbreaker for your relationship. Never try and persuade or convince or pressure him, that’s unfair on everyone and if you were the one who realised you were done then you’d despise being pressured by him I’m sure. It’s not an easy situation and you should allow yourself to grieve for the future you imagined, while also trying to recognise your incredible blessings in having a child and a husband. I don’t usually go for the ‘others have it worse’ school of thought, I feel so much of it veers into toxic positivity. But personally I do find myself thinking often about how unbelievably lucky we are to have one child, that’s something that many people dealing with infertility or social infertility haven’t got and that people go through hell to achieve. I suffer from feelings of inferiority sometimes as if I’m less of a mum because I have one child compared to parents with more, but we are parents, we have something incredible and if you have a happy relationship and family life it would be a huge trauma to give that up in the hope you’ll find another partner to have a second with.

Sorry for the length, just wanted to share. I feel for you, and for your DH. I know mine has really struggled with feeling like he’s let me down and as if he has done a bait and switch, I remind him when it comes up that he hasn’t at all and it’s okay to change your mind and crucial to be honest when it’s about something this major.

Many people would be frustrated, seems like your DH is holding all the cards (because he is). I don't have any other advice but perhaps counselling for yourself initially would give you space to vent about it? Perhaps once you take the heat/sense of urgency about the situation you can more calmly discuss together your mutual feelings?

And it’s also worth thinking about this: you worry that you might grow to resent him and you separate, but if you did end up having a second child that wasn’t fully wanted enthusiastically by both parents then that could drive a wedge between you both too, only with another child in the mix to boot. Anecdotally I’ve seen it happen time and time again where couples have been really happy together with one, had a second and split before the child turns one. Many people find it an enormous strain going from one to two and that’s only amplified if it wasn’t something you both completely wanted.

What a great post @Monday26July

Also, it might be easier to accept having one DC and then if another comes along it'll be a blessing.

I wouldn't think too much of it tbh when your baby is so young. When I had my second I was clearly still very hormonal after the birth and kept talking about having another one. DH thought I was mad and it was a big no way from him. Anyway I'm currently pregnant with 3rd now 😅

Excellent post @Monday26July

@billy1966

Lots of good advice but I just think he is really selfish. His position of "maybe" is utterly spoiling this time with your baby.

I think it is completely unreasonable to be saying maybe nor more.

Speaking only for myself I would have been so pissed off with my husband for thinking he could tell me that I was only going to have one child.

It strikes me as hugely controlling and really selfish.

I realise in my late 50's the world has changed but if my husband pulled this shit with me 20+ years ago, it would have been a real deal breaker.

I really think it is an awful thing to do to a new mother.

You need to step away from this man and think of yourself because I think he has massively let you down and broken your trust.

I also think its so fxxking unkind.

This is genuinely one of the most frightening comments I’ve seen on MN. I can’t believe there are real people who think this way.

This is genuinely one of the most frightening comments I’ve seen on MN. I can’t believe there are real people who think this way

Why?

@Monday26July thank you so much for taking the time to tell me about your experience. Your kindness towards your DH has left me feeling a little embarrassed about my clear pressure and unforgiving state towards my own DH and given me food for thought about how to behave moving forward.

You’re so right. Aren’t we just so lucky. ❤️

@Bizawit

This is genuinely one of the most frightening comments I’ve seen on MN. I can’t believe there are real people who think this way

Why?

It’s glaringly obvious, I’d have thought?

It’s glaringly obvious, I’d have thought?

Nope. Not to me.

[quote colajay11]@Monday26July thank you so much for taking the time to tell me about your experience. Your kindness towards your DH has left me feeling a little embarrassed about my clear pressure and unforgiving state towards my own DH and given me food for thought about how to behave moving forward.

You’re so right. Aren’t we just so lucky. ❤️[/quote]
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s such early days for you to get your head around. I went through a little grieving process initially when it first was discussed. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and panicking! But I have always always held the firm belief that a child should only be conceived with the enthusiasm of both parents (barring solo by choice parenting) where possible, I’ve seen the effects time and time again of growing up with a reluctant, distant, uninvolved parent. People can often tell when they weren’t wanted or they were pushed upon one of their parents and it has a real emotional effect. Not to mention the respect for someone’s bodily autonomy: if either DH or I decide that we don’t want to try for a baby then that’s the bottom line to be respected whether it’s our first or our tenth.

It helps me to remember we have choices and i’m actively choosing to be with this wonderful man, who is a fantastic husband and perfect father. It’s too easy to get hung up on a potential child that doesn’t exist and forget about the relationship itself with the person you love. It makes me respect him even more as a father that he’s willing to stick with what he believes is right for our family rather than capitulate and go along with it lackadaisically, he’s always thinking about our son and his needs and what we can provide for him.

We are unbelievably lucky. I can’t even get my head around it tbh. I never thought I’d be lucky enough to meet someone who wanted the same as me, to be able to be in a position financially to try, to get pregnant, to have a healthy baby when I was terrified the entire pregnancy it would go wrong. To have a healthy toddler who has no health issues and who is blossoming more and more each day, and a loving husband to share parenting with and marvel at our son alongside.

It genuinely is riches beyond my wildest dreams. A second would be a cherry on top, but I already have the whole cake :)

Not to mention the respect for someone’s bodily autonomy: if either DH or I decide that we don’t want to try for a baby

You do realise men don’t get pregnant right?

@Bizawit

Not to mention the respect for someone’s bodily autonomy: if either DH or I decide that we don’t want to try for a baby

You do realise men don’t get pregnant right?

You seem to be a bit fixated on me, are you okay?

Give him more time; it could be he found having a baby a massive shock that he’s still recovering from - I know I am!

I’d just like to say a cautious word about adopting though - it can be very difficult and challenging; tragically children placed up for adoption in the UK have often experienced appallingly hard lives, and may have a lot of experience of trauma and demonstrate difficult behaviours, which may really strain your marriage if you didn’t really want to do it in the first place?

How would you potentially feel if you went ahead with adoption, he found it too much and then walked out on you all? Very sadly it does happen.

Ultimately if he is “one and done” there’s not much you can do- you have to decide if you’re willing to stay. But I would leave it for a few years yet.

You seem to be a bit fixated on me, are you okay

Simply engaged in the thread and troubled by a few of the things you are saying.

I understand the burning need to have more children even if you have one but it’s monumentally unfair on a child to knowingly bring it into a family where one parent doesn’t want it or where they have to be pressurised to agree to have it.

@Monday26July good for you that you have been able to put aside the thought of another child and move on and focus on counting your blessings.

That is great for you.

Particularly as you describe it as just a "little grieving".

You were able to offer it up and to acquiesce to your husbands concerns for career, health, financial concerns.

This is great for you.

But for other women they may not feel comfortable handing over such a big decision to their partner and hoping they will just get over it in time.

For them it wouldn't be a little grieving.

Having children isn't always just about the practical decisions that a man may feel very clearly, but also about an emotional pull.

Having one child and being content is perfectly right for some couples, but for a man to be telling a woman with a 7month old baby that she is done, is just awful to SOME women.

That is all.

It would be a lot more than a little grieving and acceptance.

Clearly you were prepared to be guilded by your husband and I respect that that was the right decision for YOU.

But in the 21st century a lot of women don't take their lead from men and won't just accept that their fertility is determined by their partner.

In that instance they may decide to choose otherwise.

The idea that because your husband is hands on, and an involved father, somehow gives him the right to dictate how many children you have IS bizarre to me, but so very male in perspective.

HE has decided what he feels capable of coping with and you have acquiesced.

Clearly acceptable for you, but NOT for lots of other women.

I wish you the best in the decision that you are now happy you have made.

[quote billy1966]@Monday26July good for you that you have been able to put aside the thought of another child and move on and focus on counting your blessings.

That is great for you.

Particularly as you describe it as just a "little grieving".

You were able to offer it up and to acquiesce to your husbands concerns for career, health, financial concerns.

This is great for you.

But for other women they may not feel comfortable handing over such a big decision to their partner and hoping they will just get over it in time.

For them it wouldn't be a little grieving.

Having children isn't always just about the practical decisions that a man may feel very clearly, but also about an emotional pull.

Having one child and being content is perfectly right for some couples, but for a man to be telling a woman with a 7month old baby that she is done, is just awful to SOME women.

That is all.

It would be a lot more than a little grieving and acceptance.

Clearly you were prepared to be guilded by your husband and I respect that that was the right decision for YOU.

But in the 21st century a lot of women don't take their lead from men and won't just accept that their fertility is determined by their partner.

In that instance they may decide to choose otherwise.

The idea that because your husband is hands on, and an involved father, somehow gives him the right to dictate how many children you have IS bizarre to me, but so very male in perspective.

HE has decided what he feels capable of coping with and you have acquiesced.

Clearly acceptable for you, but NOT for lots of other women.

I wish you the best in the decision that you are now happy you have made.

[/quote]
He doesn’t have the right to dictate how many children I have. He has the right to dictate how many children HE has. Everyone should have that right.

The fact that you think a man telling his wife he doesn’t want more children is ‘something awful’ he’s ‘doing to a new mother’ is just incomprehensible to me. He isn’t being one and done at OP. He’s deciding what he wants from his own reproductive/family life and informing her so that she knows where she stands.