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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband is potentially one and done….

197 replies

colajay11 · 08/08/2021 14:48

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 08/08/2021 16:52

You are 7 months in, that's really soon, I think it's understandable that a 2nd child may be the furthest thing from your husbands mind. It's also understandable that you have a strong urge to give your child a sibling, both stances are reasonable, therefore a compromise must be reached. Can you agree to put the conversation on ice for 6 months to a year? He may feel differently, you may feel differently. You don't have to make these choices right this second.

As for adoption that should be something you go into REALLY wanting to do it. It doesn't sound like it is something you want and therefore that option should be removed from the equation.

5329871e · 08/08/2021 16:53

YABU

Trying to say this in the most gentle way possible… be grateful for what you have.

It’s fine to have an only child. It’s fine to have a larger age gap. It’s fine (and very admirable!) to adopt your second child - you’ll love it just the same but your heart must be in it from the beginning.

It’s not fine to give up on your (otherwise happy?) marriage over this issue.

Give it some more time. He might change his mind, but you must be open to changing your mind too.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2021 17:00

You are being really foolish to pressure him about having a second when your baby is just 7 months old. FGS, it's just too soon. Back off and give the man some room to breathe.

Turnitoffandon · 08/08/2021 17:05

We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever?
You need to read that through the eyes of your lovely baby and imagine how they would feel if they knew they were entering this environment you describe. Poor baby.
That might help you realise what's important?
Flowers

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 08/08/2021 17:06

YANBU.
There's two aspects to consider. Is there a pattern in your relationship of your DH seemingly making commitments and then 'changing his mind'? If so then there might be an imbalance in your relationship that you need to address. It's bigger than the issue of DCs. It can be a sign the relationship is abusive.
The other point is you need to decide how important it is for you to have another child. It's fine for you to realise this is a priority for you and if it is, then don't wait to see if your DH changes his mind. My relative and her Dh split up because he 'changed his mind' about how many DCs he wanted. She went on to marry again and have the large family she had always wanted (and that her first DH had pretended to want until they were married and had one child). That's not to say that would happen for you. You need to be prepared to risk not having another DC. But no-one here can tell you that you should settle or that you need to learn to come to terms with it. Flowers

Fuckityfucksake · 08/08/2021 17:14

Why are many posters giving op the ffs! your baby is only 7 months crap?
Did you miss the part where she said she wanted 2 close in age?

Op if your Dh isn't onboard with this right now then you're going to need to back off for now. Give him time and sit down and talk in another few months and see if anything has changed.
I had 2 in 22 months and 3 in 4 years. My idea of hell would have been to completely forget about the sleepless nights, the terrible 2's etc... and then start all over again.
I appreciate not everyone feels that way but some do.

pasadeda · 08/08/2021 17:16

I understand couples splitting if one wants children and the other doesn't.

I have never understood splitting because one wants MORE children... the message that sends your oldest child is that they are not enough!

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 08/08/2021 17:19

@pasadeda

I understand couples splitting if one wants children and the other doesn't.

I have never understood splitting because one wants MORE children... the message that sends your oldest child is that they are not enough!

It doesn't send that message at all. And only someone who hasn't been in that situation and doesn't know children who have been in that situation could get it so wrong.
Roselilly36 · 08/08/2021 17:20

Your baby is still very little, leave it a while, don’t discuss it, as it is causing a lot of anxiety for you both. Enjoy your baby and see what the future brings. Good luck OP.

PinkiOcelot · 08/08/2021 17:23

Your LO is still really young. He may come around further down the line.
It took DH for dd being 18-20 months before deciding he would like another.

Loudestcat14 · 08/08/2021 17:25

It's still early days and the good news is your DH isn't ruling it out completely, he's just unsure. I knew beyond doubt that I was one and done – once I'd made up my mind, nothing could've changed it. So take heart from that! Luckily for me, my DP felt the same – had he turned round and said he wanted another, I don't know how I'd have reacted but I do know this isn't something you can compromise over. I don't think it's a conversation for right now though when your baby is only seven months old, but you definitely need to raise it with him again before it's too late.

RowanAlong · 08/08/2021 17:25

Wait it out a bit. With such a new baby, neither of you are best placed to make decisions about any more...the first year is hard, so give each other some time

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 17:51

@DinosaurDiana

The resentment will never leave you. Please don’t spend your fertile years waiting for him to decide, he might just be stringing you along until it’s impossible for you. You need to decide what is more important, him or another child.
Got to hope she finds another man to take on her child and want another…

Talk about use and discard

NettlesInTheNightGarden · 08/08/2021 17:56

Don’t adopt if you’re not 100% that’s what you want, it’s a hard and gruelling process for a child that will have already suffered so much. Also, social workers like at least three years between children when adopting (unless they’re biologically related) so adopting is unlikely to get you the closeness in age you’re hoping for

Heartshapedrocks · 08/08/2021 17:58

It sounds like he has always said he probably wants one biological child, it sounds like that's still the case but you were hoping he'd change his mind? I'd give him some time but not expext his opinion to change personally, if you leave him there's always the risk you won't meet someone to have another child with anyway, so I wouldn't think of that as certain when you decide what to do next.

therocinante · 08/08/2021 18:07

It sounds like it comes down to whether it's more important to you to stay with him (and everything that entails - both parents being together for DC1, etc) or whether you have another biological child.

But it's more complicated than that: what if you split up, you meet someone else quickly, and they turn out to be infertile? What if you meet someone amazing and they don't want children for a few years? Do you still want 2 children if they have different fathers (no judgement whatsoever, but more logistical issues)? Do you want to gamble what you have now on a potential?

If I were you and your marriage is good otherwise I'd shelve this conversation until DC is 18 months. Then decide what you want. If you choose to stay together and have just the one child, get yourself some therapy to ensure that you feel you've made an active choice to choose your life as it is now with DH and your child, and not one that he's imposed on you - because you do have a choice - and don't feel that resentment you fear.

Regularsizedrudy · 08/08/2021 18:10

He sounds very naive in terms of the adoption issue. Why does he want to adopt? It sounds like it’s all about him fulfilling some kind of hero fantasy. Are you both young?

Bizawit · 08/08/2021 18:17

@DinosaurDiana

The resentment will never leave you. Please don’t spend your fertile years waiting for him to decide, he might just be stringing you along until it’s impossible for you. You need to decide what is more important, him or another child.
This.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/08/2021 18:26

You are at quite a hard stage, give him a few more months.

I would also get him to really research the adoption process. There's no shortage of willing adopters in the UK, especially for younger children, but there is actually a shortage of children to adopt. Most adopted children will have come from extremely traumatic or difficult backgrounds, many will have a lot of challenging behaviour or additional needs as a result. But also many many people simply don't make it through the process of being accepted as a potential adopter, so just wanting to do it doesnt mean it's likely to happen.

sheusesmagazines · 08/08/2021 18:34

Just my story. DP wasn’t sure about a 2nd and I became sure I wanted one after we had DS. We had many teary discussions.

We then chose a date where we could have a serious discussion about it again (after DS turned 2). No more talking about it in the meantime - we weren’t getting anywhere.

He decided he wanted a second before the date we had decided on.

He had nearly a year to think about it without me nagging or becoming teary/emotional all the time about it and that helped. It was hard because I like to talk things out but this was the sort of thing he really needed to work out himself.

One big thing was as DS became a toddler it became clearer that he’d benefit from having a sibling playmate whilst growing up.

ElleGee1 · 08/08/2021 18:40

I was your husband, my husband was you. He spoke about wanting another at about the same stage and I just couldn’t picture how We would manage. I wasn’t ready and I think my husbands heart was broken. It nearly broke us.
Now we have two as I just needed the time. But I didn’t realise that when dc1 was young if that makes sense. If he pressured me then clearly it wouldnt have helped, it would have pushed us apart. He backed off and as time passed I felt I could do it again.

Things will work out, whether you have another or not, try not to worry Flowers

Peachee · 08/08/2021 18:42

I think I would put my foot on the ball here and take a step back and look at the situation. Both have you have got to compromise here and trying to put the pressure on to make the decision right now is causing you both stress. He has never said never just like you have said never to his adoption dream. Enjoy what is amazing so far and then perhaps broach the situation in the near future. The first year is a hard with everything going on. Hormones, lack of sleep, just the general transition of becoming parents. Drink that up as you are and then broach the whole thing again in a few months time. You both don’t have to make a decision right NOW.

Ogwen · 08/08/2021 18:47

I understand how you feel OP, and you have my every sympathy, but you need to think very carefully about whether this one issue means you are no longer compatible with your DH. I had a similar conversation with my ex when our DS was 6m old, and we separated when he was 18m. I knew that if we stayed together I would always resent him.

It took a long time of dating (8 years) before I met someone else. I dated multiple frogs in that time, had my heart broken a couple of times, and spent a lot of energy feeling sad about DS growing up without a sibling. We went on holidays and celebrated Christmas just the two of us. It was lonely.

DP and I didn’t want to rush things, and had to consider DS’s needs, so we were together for 2 years before he moved in and we started TTC. I know many people would consider even that too soon. I’m now 42, and I’ve just had a miscarriage.

I’m fortunate in that there were many other reasons for ex and I to separate, so looking back I have no regrets. I have long ago come to terms with the likelihood I won’t have any more children. But if having a second child had been the only issue to drive me and ex apart, I think the regret I would feel about the loss of that relationship, and DS growing up with separated parents, and still never having a second child, would be far worse than the resentment I was afraid of.

10 years on, despite having no memories from before we split up, DS still feels sad sometimes about us not being together, and talks about wishing we would get back together. He cries for his dad when he is with me sometimes, and he cries for me when he is with his dad. If I thought there was anything I could have done to make it work with ex, the guilt would be devastating.

AliceW89 · 08/08/2021 18:50

7 months is still so so young. If your DS was 27 or 37 months old it would be completely reasonable for you to expect your DH to make a firm decision so you can plan the rest of your life. But I would honestly just give it some more time. Easier said than done I know, but try and park the conversation in your head, let the dust settle from the massive upheaval that having your first baby is and revisit this in 6-12 months months time.

FreeBritnee · 08/08/2021 18:57

No man wants a second child when their first is 7 months old. We are biologically wired to want to fall pregnant again. They just want their old life back.