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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is potentially one and done….

197 replies

colajay11 · 08/08/2021 14:48

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

OP posts:
Lavender24 · 09/08/2021 08:59

Honestly I think you're really getting ahead of yourself thinking of leaving him over this. Even if you did leave him and met a new partner and had another child, unless you rushed it it would years in the future and then you'd have a to deal with a blended family which would potentially be hard on DC1.

Just give it some time. He may change his mind, or you might. I don't blame you for not wanting to adopt though, I can't imagine my heart ever being in it either.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 09/08/2021 09:15

Why is your husband so keen on adoption. Does he have the fantasy of rescuing a cute little baby or does he actually understand the challenges involved in taking on an often older child with attachment issues and developmental trauma. Does he understand the adoption approval process and how long and arduous it is?

I was thinking this too.

Quite often though the realities of having a baby as opposed to what you thought are very different. My DM always wanted 6, she had 2.

Bizawit · 09/08/2021 09:41

@Snookie00

Glad that you are taking some time to think about this. 7 months in and sleep deprived with possible PND is not the time to be making snap decisions. If you’re only 33 then you’ve got time to decide what you want. Of course you’re perfectly entitled to listen to some of the barmy advice on here encouraging you to leave your husband. These “go girl” posters don’t need to live with the repercussions of single parenthood with no guarantee of a 2nd child.

A more sensible approach would be to wait a year or so and see how you both feel. If the need for another child is still strong and your DH is still not keen then you can decide what to do. There are no guarantees that you will meet someone new that you want to have a child with and who is also keen. Only you can decide whether it is the right course of action for you. Take some time, try to enjoy being mum to your baby and try not to let this spoil this time.

🙄🙄 this post is so full of judgement and normative assumptions. Parenting is hard in any circumstances. Any arrangement has its own, different “repercussions”. There are many cases in which being a single parent can be vastly preferable to being with an unsupportive partner, who’s choices/ decisions are making one unhappy. Not saying that is the situation here, but it is one of the possibilities.

You don’t need to “meet someone new” to have a child. There’s all kinds of ways to have children/ build a family. It’s a question of the OP thinking about what matters most, and what she wants for her life, and whether this situation is sustainable/ making her happy or not.

This isn’t the 1950s. Women have options.

Bizawit · 09/08/2021 09:45

I do agree though that this isn’t the time to be making “snap decisions”. But knowing she has options/ can take her time/ isn’t condemned to a life of one child may ease the pain in the short term, and in the longer term OP can have a really hard think about what she wants.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 09:55

Considering how little he does with his 7 month old, I'd find his fantasy of rescuing and adopting a child, frankly hilarious...and moronic.🙄

OP you sound like a great woman who has had a child with a twit.

I wouldn't be allowing lazy fantasy man, dictate how many children I have.

Take a good hard look at him.

You can do better....quite easily I would imagine.Flowers

Mustreadabook · 09/08/2021 09:59

Adopting really isn’t that easy! There are not many babies up for adoption in the uk. You may need the funds of a pop star to travel the world collecting babies. Had your husband actually looked at the adoption process properly or is it just something he says? If he realised that isn’t likely to happen would he want a second?

Original poster
colajay11 · 09/08/2021 10:08

Thanks so much everyone.

Today I’ve done some research in to adoption and along with all of your points I’m tempted to present my case to him that this is not a route that suits us as a family and find out if this changes things for him. I’m nervous to bring up the conversation again as he’s specifically asked for time and space but I am miserable and i just don’t know if I can deal with the uncertainty.

I’m making him sound like an ogre. He really isn’t. And he does lots with our baby, but most of the care does fall to me. I’d say that’s my choice though I don’t resent him for it. It comes very naturally and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Also it’s always in the back of my mind that this ‘could’ be my last so I’m happy doing the night shifts and everything else in between.

I think I’m shielding him a bit from the tough bits in the hope he is enjoying it all so much he wants to do again though, which probably isn’t particularly healthy and probably something I also need to speak to him about.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/08/2021 10:13

Adoption is out of the question. OP isn't keen. That rules them out before they even start. No point discussing it further on here (though OP needs to make that clear to her DH)

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/08/2021 10:14

Today I’ve done some research in to adoption and along with all of your points I’m tempted to present my case to him that this is not a route that suits us as a family and find out if this changes things for him.

You don't need to make a case for why adoption won't suit your family. You just need to explain that you aren't committed to the idea and therefore you wouldn't be accepted for assessment. You can't change how you feel about adoption so it's a non starter. Even if you tried to make yourself want to do it above having a birth child you wouldn't be successful and it would come out in assessment.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 10:56

Agree with above, why on earth would you even consider the enormous ordeal of adoption with a man who has said no to a second child with you?

Men don't carry children.
You are the main earner.
And if you separate, the children will remain with you as primary carer.

I think take a solid break of a month from discussing this, but if he becomes very definite in his position, then it is very understandable if it becomes a deal breaker, and you need it to be very clear to him.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 11:00

The thing to realise is that if he insists on you having an only child, depriving your child of a sibling when YOU really want another, one way or another your marriage is OVER.

Long term, you will never forgive him, and the disappointment with turn to resentment, anger, and pure dislike.

Don't think for a second it won't.

Imagine yourself at 43 with one child and living with the regret.

It is one thing if it just doesn't happen, but to be denied it, on his selfish whim?

You will never forgive him.

Take some space and time, but don't allow him to control your life.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/08/2021 11:02

@billy1966

The thing to realise is that if he insists on you having an only child, depriving your child of a sibling when YOU really want another, one way or another your marriage is OVER.

Long term, you will never forgive him, and the disappointment with turn to resentment, anger, and pure dislike.

Don't think for a second it won't.

Imagine yourself at 43 with one child and living with the regret.

It is one thing if it just doesn't happen, but to be denied it, on his selfish whim?

You will never forgive him.

Take some space and time, but don't allow him to control your life.

This is by no means a guarantee. You can't proclaim how she will feel in the future. This post is far from helpful.
OwlinaTree · 09/08/2021 11:03

If he's specifically asked for time and space from this I don't think you will get a good response from him by producing research on adoption right now. I think you need to pick your moment here.

If people are making comments about 'when are you having another' close this down in front of him. 'We are enjoying the one we've got' etc. Don't make him feel you are trying to get other people on your side.

Hard as it is, you need to give him time. Also, from a work and career point of view, you will want to do a bit of a chunk back at work before having another maternity leave to keep your skills up etc, so going back to work before trying again wouldn't be a bad thing.

As an aside, if you want your son to take a bottle, try the fastest flowing teats you can get. It's easy for them to get the milk quickly. This worked with my second when I'd tried all sorts with my first to try to get him to take a bottle!

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2021 11:13

Today I’ve done some research in to adoption and along with all of your points I’m tempted to present my case to him that this is not a route that suits us as a family and find out if this changes things for him. I’m nervous to bring up the conversation again as he’s specifically asked for time and space but I am miserable and i just don’t know if I can deal with the uncertainty.

Oh god, don’t do that! He’s said he doesn’t want to talk about it at the moment. How will you yanking one of his options off the table help? It won’t, will it? It’ll just seem like more pressure.

You need to deal with your own feelings. Stop obsessing right now.

Work on getting a better balance of care between you as equal parents. That’s going to do everyone the most benefit in the long run. Park the second child discussion in your own mind. Stop thinking about it.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 09/08/2021 11:27

I really think you are rushing into this and need to give it more time.
Pressuring him about it when he said he needs space will just make him shut down further.
Give it at least six months and see what life is like with a toddler. Also how you feel when back to work.
If you are paying nursery fees how you cope with them on top of everything else.

uktrippin · 09/08/2021 13:20

You're the higher earner

He sleeps in the spare room

You do 80% of housework

You do 100% nights and "shield" your husband from any difficult bits of parenting

He thinks this is acceptable and also believes he could swoop in and adopt a baby like some knight in shining armour

He's lazy, selfish and deluded and sounds like one of those that likes the sound of his own bullshit voice.

"Against societal norms" but lets his wife, who is suffering from possible PND, crying everyday and seeing to the baby every single night do 80% of the housework. What a fucking joke that is!

girlmama32 · 09/08/2021 13:46

I don't have any advice for you but we are currently going through exactly the same thing and it's so hard.
We had the same discussion a few months ago, our DD is now 22 months and I think about having another daily, I'm desperate to give her a sibling. I haven't mentioned it to DH since in the hope that if I don't pressure him he will come round in his own.
Ultimately if he doesn't then I think I'd just have to come to terms with it because I wouldn't want to lose what we have.
I hope things all work out for you Thanks

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 13:51

@uktrippin

You're the higher earner

He sleeps in the spare room

You do 80% of housework

You do 100% nights and "shield" your husband from any difficult bits of parenting

He thinks this is acceptable and also believes he could swoop in and adopt a baby like some knight in shining armour

He's lazy, selfish and deluded and sounds like one of those that likes the sound of his own bullshit voice.

"Against societal norms" but lets his wife, who is suffering from possible PND, crying everyday and seeing to the baby every single night do 80% of the housework. What a fucking joke that is!

Exactly.

OP is getting lots of points of views.

But she is doing everything and she is stressed.

It would be great if it didn't stress her so much but it does.

I just wouldn't be allowing the waster you have described so well dictate how many children I had.

lynsey91 · 09/08/2021 14:41

@DGFB

I’d be the same as you, we had ours close together and I’m glad we did. I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty of not knowing whether I’d have more, it would break my relationship. I’m sorry, I have no advice. I hope he comes round
How on earth can not having a second child destroy a relationship?

Why do so many women put having a 2nd, 3rd or whatever child before a happy marriage?

Also women going on about "giving their child a sibling" makes me laugh. Many many siblings don't get on. My DH has not spoken to his sister for over 30 years. I have 2 siblings and only get on with 1.

Bizawit · 09/08/2021 16:31

How on earth can not having a second child destroy a relationship? Why do so many women put having a 2nd, 3rd or whatever child before a happy marriage?

Err, maybe Because for some women having a second child is something that they desperately want!? For many women having children is more important than marriage. I love my partner , but there’s no contest that I would choose him over my child.

Sorry to hear about your DH and your relationships with your siblings. I have 3 siblings, love them dearly and couldn’t imagine my life without them. I am so grateful not to be an only child, and wouldn’t want that for my DD.

LIZS · 09/08/2021 16:40

Why are you so desperate to have children close together? Babies are stressful, maybe he will change his mind in time, maybe he won't. Adoption agencies may not consider you with biological children anyway, at least until your dc is older.

Needapoodle · 09/08/2021 16:45

Your baby is still absolutely tiny. Just enjoy this one for a while and revisit the subject in a year.

Booboosweet · 09/08/2021 17:08

Some of these posts are so disrespectful to only children and parents of only children! There are worse things than being an only child!

HazelBite · 09/08/2021 17:26

OP I would only ever advise extreme caution when seriously considering adoption. I would imagine that your DH hasn't really seriously looked into what it actually involves and the children that are "available".
From exprience (I won't go into details) I would say this is full of difficulties, severe difficulties and both of you must be fully committed, and I mean fully to even consider this as adoption will have an impact on so many aspects of your life, your immediate family and wider family and you must consider your existing child.
Be aware that whist a sucessful adoption can be very rewarding an less than sucessful one can have catastrophic results.