Husband is potentially one and done….

[colajay11]

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

All rather academic, he has still completely dictated how many children you have and has manage to convince you that it is an enlightened position.

Quite the achievement.

Great that it works for you and you are so content.

Many women are not so easily persuaded and prepared to subjugate their own wishes.

That is why the OP should give some time to thinking about what SHE wants, separate to her husband, and to not allow him to dictate how many children she has, by remaining in a relationship with him.

It strikes me as all a little bit too "surrendered wife" to hand over the final decision to a man who is thinking about what works best for him.

But hey, you are happy and only grieved a little bit, so in your situation you are content with his decision.

I certainly hope the OP will take the time to figure out what is best for HER, on her terms,
and not to allow her lazy, largely uninvolved, adoption fantasy spouting idiot husband, to decide whether she has another child.

I have two young women that I am rearing to have agency over their lives and certainly not to be dictated to by any man telling them that they have the final say when and if they have another child, and to passively accept it.....and in the OP's case whilst paying for and doing it all.🙄

The fact that you think a man telling his wife he doesn’t want more children is ‘something awful’ he’s ‘doing to a new mother’ is just incomprehensible to me

It’s really not incomprehensible.

Sometimes having kids is part of the deal in a relationship.
In a relationship you think about the things that are fundamental to your partner’s happiness and do your very best to provide those things , that’s part of the deal. If you can’t provide those things that are fundamental to your partner’s happiness , then you really shouldn’t be In that relationship. It’s not fair.

If the OP’s partner feels that the reasons why he doesn’t want another child are insurmountable, he should also understand that he is seriously violating the terms of the relationship. He shouldn’t expect her to stay in those circumstances, but understand that he is presenting her with the kind of ultimatum that is forcing her to leave. That doesn’t appear to be his understanding of the situation.. hence imv agree with billy that his behaviour is v selfish.

All very well telling the OP that you have the "whole cake" and of course you push your "grieving" to one side because he's just so wonderful and perfect - but her husband isn't just wonderful and perfect is he?

He's leaving her to cry daily and struggle with suspected PND whilst doing very little in the way of support or the difficult bits of parenting.

I agree with others that say 7 months is way too early to be pushing the idea of a second child. I personally couldn’t contemplate a second until my first was nearly 2. Everyone is different and your DH might feel completely differently in another 6-12 months time.

@billy1966 @Bizawit NOBODY has the right to have children. A man who doesn't give into the desires of a woman is not controlling. Your views are very unhealthy.

OP, be grateful for what you have and enjoy this time with your baby.

@billy1966

So, are you saying that if the DH doesn't want a child and the wife does that she should ignore his feelings and get pregnant anyway?

@Bizawit

If his decision NOT to have a child when he doesn't want one is 'selfish', would her decision to get pregnant anyway also be 'selfish'? Either way one of them is imposing their 'will' on the other.

And he's not 'forcing' her to leave or 'issuing an ultimatum'. IF she chooses to leave that is her decision. Would you say the same if it was her 'forcing' him to leave or 'issuing an ultimatum' if she were to tell him 'we WILL have another baby and that's that'?

@AcrossthePond55

Of course I'm not in ANY shape or form🙄saying ANYTHING of the sort.

I'm saying that a woman who wants to to have more than one child shouldn't just accept that she can't have more child simply because her partner decides unilaterally that HE is done.

I'm suggesting that a woman should rethink remaining in a relationship with any man that would do that, particularly if is a change of mind scenario.

A relationship deal breaker.

I hope that is clear enough for you.

I have NEVER suggested in any shape or form to just go ahead and get pregnant anyway.

As it's women who carry babies and invariably are primary carer's in a split, there is a difference in emphasis when it comes to wanting to have another child.

A woman has every right to say it is a deal breaker if you don't want another child.

A man can too.

The difference is that many women have a deep physical/psychology longing to have more than one child and if their partner decides they don't want another child after previously being open to it, in affect, changing their mind, then the woman should consider ending the relationship rather than just accepting their childbearing being over, dictated to them by a man.

I find it utterly extraordinary that so many women would just suck it up if their husband said, that's it one child is enough for me, and let that be the end of it.

That so many women feel such little agency over their own fertility.

Extraordinary.

I don't believe a woman should have a child if she feels SHE is finished.

Why?

Because HER body makes the choice HER'S, alone.

It sometimes reads to me as if MN is a parallel universe to the world I and my peers inhabit.

I’m trying to imagine how simply amazing motherhood would be if my dh were the breadwinner and didn’t expect me to contribute towards mat leave or do anything at night and he did most of the parenting and 80% of the housework. That would be a magical life! Except of course it would mean I’m an asshole. Why do you accept this for yourself op? Stop being a martyr and pulling your family singlehandedly. He says leave something for him to do- so leave it!

Oh and he gets to decide you’re only having one child when he doesn’t do much for that one child anyway? If I did everything for all of us like you do, my dh would agree it’s my choice!

[quote Snoozer11]**@billy1966* @Bizawit* NOBODY has the right to have children. A man who doesn't give into the desires of a woman is not controlling. Your views are very unhealthy.

OP, be grateful for what you have and enjoy this time with your baby.[/quote]
🙄

You sound exhausted and unwell, and are making your own life worse by shielding your husband from the more difficult days in the hope he agrees to a second. The tail is wagging the dog instead of the other way round! You can’t be enjoying your very young baby that much if all you do is think about another and you say by your own admission you may have PND and are crying a lot. You need to give your head a wobble. Get him more involved in the care of your very young baby. Focus on your baby and make sure you enjoy him. He is tiny! Soon you will have a toddler running around and you might be grateful that you can focus on that without another baby added into the mix. You sound very frazzled, give yourself time and some peace! See how you feel when you return to work. It’s a different ballgame to have a baby and be back at work. Life is not a race, stop rushing.

Yabu insofar as that he had previously said he preferred one bio one adopted so it isnt that shocking news. Also any child should ideally only be brought into the world with both parents actively wanting them. Whether yabu or not, the reality is if you left him over this you may not find someone else you love as much and very unlikely within time to have 2 close together and it would be very very unreasonable on your existing child and any future one to rush it with someone just to achieve that for your own reasons and clearly not best interests of the child. You know that, I'm sure. I do sympathise though. Having thought I would never conceive I know the pain of wanting a child I cannot have. It is like grief. Try to focus on what you have - daily affirmations/grateful lists can help reinforce this. You have a loving relationship and a lovely child - that is very blessed compared to many.

@timeisnotaline

Oh and he gets to decide you’re only having one child when he doesn’t do much for that one child anyway? If I did everything for all of us like you do, my dh would agree it’s my choice!

Not very healthy for a child though is it? To be born into a situation where only one parent has a choice. People should think less about what they want and more about what is best for any new life.

If his decision NOT to have a child when he doesn't want one is 'selfish', would her decision to get pregnant anyway also be 'selfish'? Either way one of them is imposing their 'will' on the other

EXACTLY. So I put the question to you. If OP posted saying that she was contemplating getting pregnant regardless of her husbands wishes, would you call her “selfish”? I believe you would (probably much worse).

But in your view the husband’s decision is fine because you consider it the default - that’s the hypocrisy. @acrossthepond55

And, of course, if OP said to to her partner “we will have another baby or I am leaving” you would be quick to recognise that as an ultimatum.

Of course it’s OP’s decision whether or not to leave. But a relationship works two ways. If you put your partner in an untenable position - one which destroys their happiness - then the breakdown of the relationship is on you, even if it was your partner who decided to ultimately walk away.

@colajay11

Thank you again for all of your comments and advice.

My DH got home from work today and could see I was visibly not myself… he asked what was wrong and I told him this was weighing heavily on my mind after the chat at the weekend.
Outcome of this - he said… (again)

Be patient
I’m not 100% sure yet
It’s too early
He can’t give me an answer
I’m being impatient and unfair and putting him under immense pressure
He wants to enjoy DC1 before even thinking about another

He’s absolutely right and I feel awful for pressuring him. I’ve told him I’m going to be patient and hold the convo for a while and we can see how we both feel next year. He was very grateful and assured me that if at any point it’s a firm ‘NO’ he will of course make me aware but that’s not the case right now.

I have a real feeling (hope perhaps) that he will come round on this one. He is amazing with our son and has loved fatherhood more than he realised he would. He himself is from a very large very happy family and I hope that he will want the same for our son. I have a feeling that I will get what I want one day but maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

I’ve never been very good at uncertainty and I’m extremely impatient by nature so this is killer for me but I’m going to have to show some restraint I think!

The adoption thing is absolutely off the cards. All posters are right, he has no idea really what it involves and he agreed today that he would worry about the impact on our DS. (At least we agree on something!)

I’m totally emotionally exhausted and hope that with a bit of time and maybe some sleep I might feel happier and more patient but we will see…….

OP, this sounds very much like a "not now" rather than a "no". You have your answer. I think you are right that the anxiety you are feeling over this is more down to mental health. Having been there myself, I really urge you to reach out to your HV team and consider something like CBT. Good luck x

@newmumatlast

And Will all the people moralising about the future child please give it a bloody rest.

There are all kinds of families: single families , blended families, nuclear families. All are valid , and all can result in both happy or unhappy situations.

Sometimes children are planned , and one or more of their parents turns out to be pretty crappy for any number of reasons (including deciding they can’t really be bothered to be parents after all). Many children aren’t planned or wanted at first, but are deeply loved and treasured.

Life isn’t simple.

And if we are going to go down this road: OP’s current, living child also deserves a happy mum. Not one who’s constantly in tears, living in a state of unfulfilled desire because of her husband’s choices.

He doesn’t have the right to dictate how many children I have. He has the right to dictate how many children HE has. Everyone should have that right.

I can't understand why anyone would argue with this. Nobody owes anyone a child, whether they're a man or a woman. Monday clearly said that she knows she has the option to leave and try to have a baby with someone else. But in what world is that going to be what's best for the existing child that they already have? To break up a happy home of a child who is already here, with two homes, shuttling between the two for the next 16 years, blended families and step parents for the sake of a potential baby that doesn't even exist except in the mother's imagination?

Sometimes life doesn't go the way you planned. Sometimes you think you'll have four kids but end up with one. That's life.

Not one who’s constantly in tears, living in a state of unfulfilled desire because of her husband’s choices.

It begs the question then, does everyone have a right to fulfill their desires, regardless of the impact on everyone around them? Why does the op have a right to fulfill this desire but her husbands desire to have only one child isn't important at all?

Monday clearly said that she knows she has the option to leave and try to have a baby with someone else. But in what world is that going to be what's best for the existing child that they already have? To break up a happy home of a child who is already here, with two homes, shuttling between the two for the next 16 years, blended families and step parents for the sake of a potential baby that doesn't even exist except in the mother's imagination

Omg so in one fell swoop you have said that she has an “option”, to leave and then shamed her that it would be wrong to do so: unfair on her child you say. She would be responsible for “breaking up a happy home”. And her husband? What responsibility does he have?

No wonder women don’t feel they have choices over their reproduction, when they have people like you shaming them into silencing their most important and fundamental desires.

The OP has says the way things are currently split on the house eg parenting, chores etc are down to her choices. In her words she wants to shield her DH from the bad bits. That could be seen as controlling.

It also obviously isn’t very good for her health, both physical and mental.

@colajay11 you need to see your GP if you think you have PND. But you also need your DH to take more of the load. I assume he doesn’t work 7 days a week.

This pressuring for another child is not doing anyone any good. As others have said hormones will be playing an additional part, as weirdly, although it is best for your body to leave at least a year between pregnancies, hormones can really kick in at this stage to make you want more. In fact even if you do go on to have a second child, your hormones may kick in again to make you want a third.

Enjoy your time with your little one. Then see how fitting in a little one and work goes. Because that brings its own stresses.

I have one child. There are times I wistfully wonder what having 2 would be like, but would it be any better than the life with DH and DS. Certainly not worth breaking up a marriage and family for, on the off chance that I might meet someone else and have a child with.

@Bizawit hormones are a funny thing though, what happens if OP has a second child either with her DH or a new partner, then her hormones kick in and she feels the need for a third child, does she keep on moving on to other partners so her fundamental desires are met, with no regard to the children she already has.

If families can’t afford to have another child should they still keep having children as that is the fundamental desire of the mum? When do you stop?

Many children from large families end up having small families of their own because being in a large family was not easy for them.

How many children get thrown into complicated blended families, due to the fundamental desire of their parents to have children with new partners.

It isn’t always in the best interests of the existing children.

I’m sure I would have resented rather than loved a half sibling if my parents had split up simply on the basis that my mum wanted to have another child.

@Booboosweet

Some of these posts are so disrespectful to only children and parents of only children! There are worse things than being an only child!

Agree! I have an only and the comments are rude

*hormones are a funny thing though, what happens if OP has a second child either with her DH or a new partner, then her hormones kick in and she feels the need for a third child, does she keep on moving on to other partners so her fundamental desires are met, with no regard to the children she already has.

If families can’t afford to have another child should they still keep having children as that is the fundamental desire of the mum? When do you stop*

Don’t be silly. OP isn’t asking for 10 children; she’s asking for two. Maybe she’ll want one or two more, she hasn’t. But there’s no reason from her post to think that she does. Additionally it’s likely that the emotional pull for a 3rd or 4th (if there) would be less intense than for the 2nd. This is normal, this is how ordinary human reproductive desires often work. How has our culture become so warped that we no longer recognise this or see it as real or legitimate?

It doesn’t sound like it’s an affordability issue as her DH apparently sees an option to adopt 🙄.

There is nothing trivial or selfish about desperately wanting more than one child; and it’s utterly patronising to reduce this to a woman’s ‘hormones’. Wanting a second child doesn’t mean she’s going to keep wanting more and more. So many women (and men) want children, and many, many of those people know that they want more than one. This is normal. This is natural.

Few people in this country these days have more than 3 or 4, or more than they can reasonably afford. It’s also very rare to see women constantly switching partners to have more and more children.

@uktrippin

All very well telling the OP that you have the "whole cake" and of course you push your "grieving" to one side because he's just so wonderful and perfect - but her husband isn't just wonderful and perfect is he?

He's leaving her to cry daily and struggle with suspected PND whilst doing very little in the way of support or the difficult bits of parenting.

I do agree with this. I wouldn’t be quite as happy to accept being one and done if I was the parent doing the bulk of the childcare and he wasn’t pulling his weight. I’d accept it nonetheless as it’s not fair on a child to have them with a father who doesn’t want them, but it might edge me more towards contemplating ending the relationship and considering finding a partner who would actively parent. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who didn’t parent fully and enthusiastically for the good and difficult parts.

OP has admitted though that she’s aware she’s been shielding him from the hard parts because of a desire to make parenting seem/feel easy, hoping that he’ll therefore be inclined to want more. And she has said she wants to stop doing that. I hope she does. It’s no way to live. I’m glad OP has recognised that.

The thread seems to have gotten a bit nasty and bunfighty, I hope that it hasn’t put you off coming back OP. Whatever happens I hope you’re able to let go of the sense of immediate urgency you’re feeling right now, to give you both a bit of space to breathe. And hope you’ve been given some food for thought by the many different responses.