Husband is potentially one and done….

[colajay11]

Hi everyone,

Just after a little advice. I have posted before about this but things have escalated a little…

We had our DC 7 months ago and it has been the most incredible experience. Pre marriage we discussed number of kids and basically couldn’t really decide. Husband was keen for one bio and one adopted (it’s always been his dream to adopt) I was more keen for two bio children and he agreed it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, so we said we would just see what happens.

Fast forward two years. We have our gorgeous baby, and my husband is now saying he is not sure if he wants a second one at all. I must stress he says ‘not sure’ and has categorically told me it is not a no, and that he may want one in a couple of years but he can’t guarantee it.

He feels lots of external pressure from others asking if we will have another, and unwittingly from me, by lovingly folding away all DC1’s clothes and packing them away ‘just in case’.

I’ve realised that this is incredibly important to me. We had a discussion yesterday and we both ended up in tears. It’s awful. I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way. He isn’t sure he wants another, even if he did he would rather adopt (too many people in the world is his reason) and he can’t guarantee he will want another biological child (certainly not any time soon).

I just feel heartbroken. I don’t want to have this want and longing for something that is looking increasingly unlikely to ever happen. How do I focus on what I do have (which is amazing) and put it to the back of my mind?

My best hope is that in time, if I completely back off and add no pressure, when DC is slightly older he may say he wants to try for another. I respect that it’s his choice and if he says no then it’s no. I’m just scared by this and what happens next?

The alternative scares me. We either split as we are no longer compatible or we stay together and I may unfortunately resent him forever? Even if we had another baby and he wasn’t too keen, would he resent me forever? If we adopted (and this sounds awful) I’m unsure my heart would be totally in it. I loved pregnancy and giving birth and I want to do it again. Most of all I want our child to have a sibling.

I feel so exhausted and upset and I can’t see how to move forward…. Any help is welcome❤️

Please be kind, emotional wreck over here!🤣

We both always wanted two, then after my DD was born my DH was adamant he wanted to stop there. I wanted to put the conversation on hold for a few months or even years (our age means no need to rush, I was never bothered about a certain age gap). DH said he didn't want to postpone the discussion as he didn't want me to have false hope for however long and he knew he absolutely definitely wasn't going to change his mind. I know him well enough to know that's true.

I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world who isn't very much wanted by both parents and I wouldn't want to deprive my daughter of a two parent family to provide her with a half sibling, so I am just getting on with it!

I can't change it so I'm accepting it and as soon as I decided to 100% accept it rather than bemoaning what could have been, I started to feel better about it. Would recommend reading some of the positive posts on the one-child families Mumsnet subforum.

You have years to decide, as there has to be an age gap of at least 3-5 years between children when applying to adopt, so you have plenty of time to explore your options.
The adoption process also requires you to have finished trying to conceive so you don't fall pregnant during the assessment process or soon after placement.
You cannot assume that you would be approved. the process is brutal, and rightly so. Adopted children should not and do not deserve to be treated as second best.

You need to hang on until the sleepless nights are a distant memory..

Not sure how helpful this is, op, but I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, DH and I always wanted 2-3 children. We started trying, had a MMC then couldn't get pregnant again. It was hell and we needed icsi. We now have our amazing 13 month old but conceiving him took 3 years including the MMC and then we had 4 months of colic / cmpa. It was dreadful and we both took a few more months to get passed it. My husband is now one and done. I go back and forth constantly. I also put away all of DS's stuff for "maybe the next one" and it stressed my husband out too, but I just reassured him it doesn't mean we're having a second, it's just so we don't waste money again... so he sees that it makes logical sense.

If DH doesn't want a second then I, personally, have agreed to come to terms with not having a second as I would rather have DH and my son than be married to someone else and have more children. I know it'll likely be different for you as you really want two children close together but I think you have to take into consideration if you push the issue, your husband could end up becoming resentful and it could cause problems in the marriage. That being said, you need to also work out if sticking to one child will make you become resentful.

It's a really difficult position to be in. Would couple's counselling maybe help to sort out both of your feelings on this?
Otherwise, how do you feel about adopting your second? Is it definitely not on the cards for you?

You need to give your very young baby your time and attention and stop focusing on another child for goodness sake.

Your DH may or may not change his mind but there is plenty of time. You have a healthy child and should be grateful and happy not already looking to another

Gosh your baby is only seven months and he’s already being pressurised for another, how long has that been going on?

You need to give him time to adjust. It reads like you literally had your baby and within weeks we’re talking about wanting the next.

It's very hard when you thought you were on the same page and it turns out you might not be.

I thought l would have 2 more with DH - l have 1 from a previous relationship. Until l accidentally got pregnant - the after morning pill or whatever it's called didn't work. He totally rejected the idea of a second child. I hated the thought of my pregnancy experiences ending in that room. But that is where it ended, he never came around to the idea of having another one. We've spoken about it a few times and l can live with it without resentment on the whole but it still makes me sad sometimes, especially around the anniversary. Our DD is quite lonely, especially in the last 18 months. But he said he was worried another child would be too much emotionally and financially..also that another child wouldn't be a great as DD is (l know how this sounds but she is pretty much perfect). Possibly born out of both of us having siblings that are hard work.

Give it more time. It sounds as though you are thinking you will reject him if you can't agree but that may not be the case. Having a child from a previous relationship meant that l didn't want to end it for a child with a third partner. There's no guarantee that will happen either.

But l am very wary now as we had a disagreement about moving house last year and we went with his decision- l've made it perfectly clear the next time we don't agree, it's his turn to suck it up. If you decide to do what he wants, just be careful he doesn't translate that as getting what he wants every time you don't agree.

I want two children close in age and can’t imagine it any other way

Why @colajay11 ?

What's the reason behind your fixed thinking?

My feeling is that in situations like this the one who does NOT want another child gets the final decision. It would be very wrong to force anyone (male or female) to have a child they don't want. If the other party feels that strongly about another child they need to leave and find someone else. Harsh, but forcing a child on someone would be a lot harsher, especially on the child.

Your baby isn't even a year old yet, give him a chance to breathe. Unless you're rapidly approaching an age at which you feel you couldn't conceive or wouldn't want another child, you need to stop talking about it.

wait til DC is 2 and then bring up the subject again. both of you are too emotional at the moment and a baby makes for immense strain on a relationship. when DC is 2 and a sweet little toddler, then is the time to rethink this one.

I think he needs to know that adoption is out of the question. You wouldn't get past stage one with you not really wanting to adopt and still wanting another bio child.
So the options for him are one child with you, two children with you or consider separating and adopting alone or with someone else (how likely!?)
Your baby is very young and you can't really make any decisions right now. Maybe put a pin in the discussion for 6 months - but do be clear that adoption isn't a realistic option.

Your first child is 7 months. FFS 😏

Your child is incredibly young

You have both only just experienced parenthood, the good and not so good bits.

Absolutely no need to make any decisions, either of you, for ages

My feeling is that in situations like this the one who does NOT want another child gets the final decision. It would be very wrong to force anyone (male or female) to have a child they don't want. If the other party feels that strongly about another child they need to leave and find someone else. Harsh, but forcing a child on someone would be a lot harsher, especially on the child

Agree. It's also unreasonable to throw what he said pre-kids back at him. No one knows how they will feel about parenthood until they are there.

Don't make any rash decisions. However hard, you need to back off and give your DH some space and time.

Look into adopting, really let him see, read the boards, go to an open event (my LA have them fairly regularly although on zoom atm) I feel he has a rather rose tinted view on adoption. In the UK so much is done to keep children with birth parents, children that are put up for adoption usually have a range of specialist needs combined with the issues surrounding being given up.

I am involved with adopted children, its an amazing thing to do but it is not easy.

Does he have any idea what the adoption process entails, how many adoptions break down and of those that don't, how much harder it is to parent and adopted child?

And just to say that secondary infertility or problems conceiving are incredibly common.

So even if you agree doesn't mean that it will happen quickly.

Having a fixed idea in mind of when and how to have children is a route to disappointment

Children who are in a position to be adopted have often already experienced some kind of trauma, please don't pretend you're interested to please your husband and fill a gap where you want a biological child, adoptive children need to be wanted passionately. The other thing to consider is that you have what you describe as a happy relationship and a biological child you adore, would you take walk away from that in the of chance you'll meet someone new who is also a great partner, who is happy to be a step parent, who you'll have a second child with? Even if that all works out your first child will spend some of their time with their father arrest from you and your new family anyway. It's not a choice I'd make on the basis of a biological urge. To

@DinosaurDiana

The resentment will never leave you. Please don’t spend your fertile years waiting for him to decide, he might just be stringing you along until it’s impossible for you. You need to decide what is more important, him or another child.

Sorry no. She needs to decide what’s more important, him and the child they have already created together, or the possibility of another child in some vague potential future circumstances.

@Ansjovis

I'd strongly recommend seeking help in order to help you find peace with your family unit as it is. I have a friend who split from her husband because she became obsessed with having another child when her husband said firmly he was done. She never ended up having any more children and I think she underestimated the difficulties co-parenting would bring but it's too late to turn back from it now. What happened to her may or may not happen to you but my friend's experience shows that splitting is a big gamble and it's something you should give a lot of thought to if separation really is an option for you.

I also know someone who split because another child was more important to them then their existing family. They did have another after jumping straight into a relationship but it didn’t last and he walked before the baby was born. The ex is very happy though with a new partner and has had no more. If you love him, he alone should be good enough not what he can provide. If not, set him free so he can find someone who he is good enough alone for.

Your baby is so so young. Try to set this all aside, and concentrate on him for the next year or so. Your hormones haven't really settled down yet (and you'll get another spike when your babe's about 18m, but you can get through that if you want to).

Noone knows what tomorrow might bring, so enjoy today with the two men/boys you love most. Treasure this time.

Before you know it you'll have missed your first child's baby years focusing and crying over an imaginary second child.

Just why?!

The adoption process takes years, they go into every detail of your life, spending habits, family occasions your reasons for choosing adoptions.

These kids need all the love and support from families willing to give it freely. They are usually damaged in some way - babies are rarely put up for adoption.

The paperwork alone is over whelming.

Maybe suggest your DH starts the process and goes to a few meetings to see what’s involved and then ask again about another baby.

Have you read the thread on today about how the world is coming to an end and how much our children are going to suffer with catastrophic global events - fire and flood for example - mass migration etc?

The only thing I'd say is do not adopt or even start the process if you are not 100% sure.

The first year after having a child seems to be an incredibly emotive time for these kinds of talks. Maybe just agree to leave it alone for at least a year and then come back to it. You'll both have more experience of parenting by then, and either or both of you could change your minds. Also not to be patronizing but your hormones are probably still in a Super Baby Love state. Again, let it all calm down a bit. It's quite likely you'll find a solution that doesn't involve either of you seething in a state of lifelong resentment.

(Though if it reaches a "no more kids, his body his choice" situation, do make sure he's responsible for that. I hate it when women are pressed into continuing hormonal birth control to support someone else's choices.)