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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be interested in friends kids

281 replies

enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:00

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

OP posts:
ChrissyPlummer · 08/08/2021 09:05

YANBU. One of my friends does this, not as much now TFB. It’s a pain in the arse. I think she thinks because I don’t have kids (didn’t meet DH until late and he had treatment that left him infertile) that I must want nothing more than to spend the day with them!

It’s rude, I think, like SHE thinks they’re the most fascinating people ever…so everyone else must share that view. She also has a lovely DH so not desperate for childcare. As you say, it changes the dynamic and you can’t have a proper chat.

FightingtheFoo · 08/08/2021 09:05

I have kids and feel the same

FightingtheFoo · 08/08/2021 09:06

I.e. I don't want to meet up with my friends with their kids (or mine)in tow. It's not the same at all - it's impossible to hold a conversation.

WimpoleHat · 08/08/2021 09:08

You aren’t unreasonable- but she’s not unreasonable for wanting to bring her child either. Sounds like your friendship may have run its course (which is fine and part of life).

GCAcademic · 08/08/2021 09:09

🍿🍿
Brace yourself for a flaming, OP.

Muggee · 08/08/2021 09:09

yanbu, I have a child and I feel the same! If someone says oh I'll bring x or if it's a really child friendly activity then sure. But if DH is looking after him or whoever and we go to lunch and someone brings their child unexpectedly it does change the dynamic.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 09:09

I understand it, maybe it's the cost of going out and having a babysitter though. You could try somewhere cheaper?

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:09

It’s rude, I think, like SHE thinks they’re the most fascinating people ever…so everyone else must share that view. She also has a lovely DH so not desperate for childcare. As you say, it changes the dynamic and you can’t have a proper chat.

Exactly this. Wouldn't it be weird if I bought my mom or DH out to lunch? So why are children any different? I don't want to be friends with my friends mother or DH and certainly don't want to be with their kids who cannot even talk yet!! Sounds harsh but it the reality of how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:10

@Potatoy

I understand it, maybe it's the cost of going out and having a babysitter though. You could try somewhere cheaper?
It was a low grade coffee shop (I won't say which incase outing) , but you can't get cheaper than where we went
OP posts:
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 09:10

Have you tried saying something like it's been so long we need a proper catch up, maybe you could find a babysitter so we can both relax?

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:11

@Muggee

yanbu, I have a child and I feel the same! If someone says oh I'll bring x or if it's a really child friendly activity then sure. But if DH is looking after him or whoever and we go to lunch and someone brings their child unexpectedly it does change the dynamic.
Another friend said to me she thinks another friend of hers is a bad mom for wanting to leave the kid at home as she wants to bring hers as it's part of her Hmm
OP posts:
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 09:11

@enoughforme fair enough. Could try somewhere fancier then? Not sure. Just thinking it's worth trying to say something if you value her friendship.

Muggee · 08/08/2021 09:11

@enoughforme

It’s rude, I think, like SHE thinks they’re the most fascinating people ever…so everyone else must share that view. She also has a lovely DH so not desperate for childcare. As you say, it changes the dynamic and you can’t have a proper chat.

Exactly this. Wouldn't it be weird if I bought my mom or DH out to lunch? So why are children any different? I don't want to be friends with my friends mother or DH and certainly don't want to be with their kids who cannot even talk yet!! Sounds harsh but it the reality of how I feel

To be fair I don't think it's quite the same as usually you can leave DH and parents at home quite happily. But I do think if people bring them as no childcare they should say.
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 09:13

Another friend said to me she thinks another friend of hers is a bad mom for wanting to leave the kid at home as she wants to bring hers as it's part of her

Well that's just rude and judgey. And while kids are important so is teaching them they are independent people and not 'part of' anyone.

UnsuitableHat · 08/08/2021 09:13

Up to you whether you see friends with kids or not, but be prepared for friendships to slip away if you stop making the effort. Annoying as it can be, it isn’t really up to you to decide that someone could/should have arranged childcare- they may not have wanted to.
Your friends’ kids won’t be little for long and you may find you develop good relationships with some of them as they get older. I think it’s worth hanging on in there and occasionally putting up with something that isn’t quite ‘you’. I say this as a 50 something (no kids) who had the same experience as you in their 30s.

ohthatbloodycat · 08/08/2021 09:13

I think you need more friends with no children. You're not going to be on the same page. I do think you're being slightly unreasonable though.

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:14

Yes @Muggee if it were me I'd say 'struggling for childcare today ladies so I either bring my child or can't come' and I'd leave it at that.

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

Men don't have the same expectations.

OP posts:
Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:14

Well that's just rude and judgey. And while kids are important so is teaching them they are independent people and not 'part of' anyone.

I completely agree and it actually changed my opinion of her.

OP posts:
gannett · 08/08/2021 09:15

It's impossible to hold a proper conversation with a parent who has an under-5 in the same room. That's just how it is.

Some friends since becoming parents are still interested in having proper conversations and make time for it.

Others stop being interested completely and you end up distancing yourself from them. The worst example I know is a friend of mine who was telling a mutual friend with a 2yo that her mother had just been diagnosed with cancer. Quite an emotional conversation. Mid-sentence the friend realised the parent friend hadn't been listening at all and had cut her off to coo at her toddler.

It's actually quite hard to predict which people will end up which sort of parent.

MatildaTheCat · 08/08/2021 09:15

YANBU but some people really do want to be with their DC at every opportunity and don’t get that it’s not everyone’s idea of fun.

Just meet in a bar in the evening to avoid this? If she still brings along the noisy one you have a DF problem 😁

vivainsomnia · 08/08/2021 09:17

I'm totally with you OP. If I met with friends who didn't have children, or they had indicated that the meeting was to discuss important matters, I made sure not to bring my kids. I only did if it was clearly a play date.

Sadly, I didn't have this reciprocated. One friend who I spent a lot of time providing support to when she had relationship problems, when my kids were little, and so always arranged childcare, which wasn't easy, never ever agreed to meet with me without her son from the time he was born, despite her OH being around most of the time. Even when I hinted that although I didn't mind meeting with her and her son at times, it would be nice to have adult time, even when it was agreed to be so, and then she'd showed up with him saying he wanted to see me, argggg.

gannett · 08/08/2021 09:17

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

Very very good point. I can't imagine any of my male friends bringing their children to a lunch meet-up. Though I am friends with women who don't do that either.

Geamhradh · 08/08/2021 09:17

Def NBU.
I'm biologically programmed to love my own. Others are just small humans. Some I know well, some hardly at all.
It gets better as they get older. One of my friends had her children a good decade before the rest of our group and visiting them or meeting them was, frankly, tedious.

Missfelipe · 08/08/2021 09:18

We had a friend in our group who did this. Usually without warning and then would huff that we had selected somewhere which didn’t have a suitable kids menu 🧐 again, no child care issues so there wasn’t really any excuse. We all live far apart now and once planned a boozy afternoon lunch/day out in the city where she lives (we all had to go to her because ‘she has kids’) and she rocked up with both kids and annoyed our lunch venue wasn’t really kid friendly (although had been involved in the discussion of where we were going). Her eldest daughter is/was quite literally a demon child and it would always ruin the meal. Needless to say we stopped it and she’s never made the effort to come and see us despite the means and support to be able to do so. It’s very sad but there we are.

Hemingwaycat · 08/08/2021 09:18

I’d get new child-free friends.