To not be interested in friends kids

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Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

Angrywhompingwillow - now your comment did make me laugh. I confess I hadn’t even cracked a smile prior to that :)

These are the people who get quietly dropped but find themselves wondering where their friends went when their children are older and they want some grown-up company again to “get back to being me

Yup. New motherhood is all-consuming and it's perfectly normal to want to be part of a group all going through the same thing, sharing all the gruesome details of poonamis and sleep deprivation. But, a few months in, most people find themselves craving friendships that aren't entirely predicated on having given birth at the same time. If you want friends, you have to nurture them a little. If they're not important enough to see them without the kids when you do have childcare available, you're sending them a message about how expendable they are to you. Don't be surprised if they choose to drop the friendship.

My DC is now 16 and I feel the same meeting friends with young children as you said it changes the dynamics of any conversation, you can't also talk about any subject you wish need to be careful and picky

I agree with this too. I’ve encountered it several times where friends suddenly have one topic of conversation: children. Any other topic is uninteresting/unimportant because “Well, I’m a mama now, which means I’ve realised the only thing that’s important in life is my children”.

I think there is a bit of a sad edge to all of this. I understand there may be some smug mums who think being a mother is the only thing worth talking about, and those that choose to bring their children along all the time even though they have options because they assume people should want to see them, as suggested in the OP. But at the same time, during the early days of having a baby and being off work with her I certainly found I was struggling to initiate much discussion on other things, because nothing else was going on in my life. I think that will be the case for a lot of new parents, I noticed I was doing it but it was just the slightly sad reality of my life and it was occupying quite a frazzled (and subsequently bad at conversation) headspace. Likewise, meeting up with a friend with the baby in tow because they are always with you could be the only bit of social interaction a mother has been able to find time for, and it could be far more significant for them than it is for the other person who still has ample time for a social life. Having experienced it, I would take pity on a new parent stuck in a bit of a boring rut.

But at the same time, during the early days of having a baby and being off work with her I certainly found I was struggling to initiate much discussion on other things, because nothing else was going on in my life.

You don’t necessarily have to initiate a conversation, just engage with other people’s 🙂

@Muchmorethan

YANBU. I have absolutely no interest in anyones DC.

I meet with a friend once a month and she wanted to bring her DC (late and mid teens) to the next meet up. I said no as l don't have mine and I'm not interested in yours . She wasn't happy as she said she wanted to bring them as she hadn't seen them much over the holiday's so far.

I still refused. Neither of us were right or wrong... she wanted them there to spend time with them and l didn't.

😂 it's great to hear some people have absolutely no interest in other dc because I've honestly been thinking there must be something wrong with me or I'm a mean person.

You don’t necessarily have to initiate a conversation, just engage with other people’s

Yes, but still, conversation can flow less well when you don't have any similar experiences to relate to them with (talking about work, social things etc) and your brain is just generally running on power saving mode.

I cant be frivolous with childcare. I get to beg a babysit once every 4 months maybe, is that spent with a friend or with a partner?

Weekends are often visiting family, swimming, activities where 2 people are helpful. I wouldnt leave my husband with the kid every weekend to go out with friends when they are so small.

It's tiring putting in a lot of effort with friends when you have children. If I've lost friends like you then great

Those who could stick with me through the crappy years, keep me company on days when I'm fed up with the kids and offered me a change of scene - those are true friends.

@Bakewellisntjustacake

It's just the constant talking about their kids too though! Doesn't matter if they're there or not I don't care about whether your potty training child had a shit on the floor. I want to talk about adult things! There is only so much nodding I can do

I actually don't mind (limited) discussion.

It's the interaction in person that's just too much for me

You dont have to be interested in someone's children to accomodate them (when they are small and cannot be left home alone).

Is your friend worth the inconvenience or not?

I don't think you're mean to have no interest. I think it's mean to expect a family to rearrange stretched resources around your disinterest.

@Skysblue

Yanbu to prefer an adult-only meetup but Yabu to assume that can always be the case. Sometimes children are ok with being left, sometimes they’re going through a developmental leap / emotional anxiety stage and can’t bear to be left. I’ve had situations in the past where I had to take my child to a meetup with a friend, when I would rather have left my child at home with his Dad, but after 20 mins of broken-hearted sobbing about wanting mummy it was just better to just take her with me. It is annoying but children aren’t mini adults or parcels that can always be dropped somewhere, they have complex and constantly changing needs.

Fair point and I didn't think of it like this - I'm honestly grateful to some of the posts as it is encouraging me to have a bit more empathy.

I have worked hard all week and want a relaxing weekend. Why would l arrange my weekend round your child

This is a key point, I agree

The thing is if you had planned / reasonably assumed it would be a child free meetup and then it's not, it turns from something you were looking forward to to something you'd really rather not go to, but saying no makes you look like a child hating ogre.

Exactly why I'd said yes! And had I said no I'm sure many posters would be saying I've offended her!

YANBU.
It's utterly self absorbed and shows no consideration for other people to bring a small child to something you know is an adult lunch.
I have a toddler and a baby, I've really struggled with Covid/Maternity Leave etc etc and arranged a lunch with 4 friends. It was the first time I'd left both children and was a really big deal for me to have an adult afternoon. ALL friends were aware of this as it was discussed in depth in the WhatsApp group. My friend of the same age brought her 4yr old grandson, after checking if it was OK (I said no I'd really prefer adults and everyone else was silent and clearly felt awkward) she then turned up with him anyway. I was upset, felt like I'd left mine for no reason. The other women were also not happy but she was completely oblivious because its what she wanted to do and she wanted to spend time with child. She was one of my closest friends but it's really affected how I feel about her as it was just so selfish and as a group of adults it was the first time we'd been able to meet for over a year.

However on the other side it does hurt for friends to have ZERO interest in your children. My best friend of over 20yrs is childfree happily and when I had DD 6mths ago she didn't even send me a card. Nothing. I don't expect her to want to spend days out or lunches with us, I'm always interested in whats important in her life but that was so cold we're now no longer friends.

Me and DH are childfree by choice. Lots of our friends now have kids and often this means when trying to arrange meet ups it becomes something child friendly. I totally get for the parents they can’t easily get childcare and want to spend their leisure time with their kids. But that’s not how I want to spend my leisure time. So ultimately it means we see those people less and have to look elsewhere for our social life. It’s just the way it goes and I’ve found some friends you stay in touch with and the social stuff comes back when their kids get older.

@MaryShelley1818 I completely see where you are coming from and your post I agree with - I can see from both sides and even though I say I have no interest , when I child is initially born I defo do - so I think your friend sounds a bit mean even meaner then me

@Roominmyhouse yes I get that so I keep my distance now too.

It's just a very awkward situation isn't it. Very, I don't think either party is right or wrong but I think being on receiving end of either argument can be hurtful

I don't have kids myself. I take an interest in my friends kids, but I wouldn't say I'm overly fascinated by them. I certainly prefer lunches where their kids aren't brought along but sometimes it can't be helped and I just go with the flow. So true though that very few dads who've arranged a get-together with their pals end up bringing their kid along because there was no one else to watch them. Men really do get the easier deal!

[quote enoughforme]@Roominmyhouse yes I get that so I keep my distance now too.

It's just a very awkward situation isn't it. Very, I don't think either party is right or wrong but I think being on receiving end of either argument can be hurtful [/quote]
It is hard. We have friends we love spending time with, but if it involves their kids it’s just so different and not much fun for us. They might think we are being selfish, and we are really. We want to enjoy our down time and spending it with other people’s kids just doesn’t do it for us.

@MaryShelley1818

YANBU. It's utterly self absorbed and shows no consideration for other people to bring a small child to something you know is an adult lunch. I have a toddler and a baby, I've really struggled with Covid/Maternity Leave etc etc and arranged a lunch with 4 friends. It was the first time I'd left both children and was a really big deal for me to have an adult afternoon. ALL friends were aware of this as it was discussed in depth in the WhatsApp group. My friend of the same age brought her 4yr old grandson, after checking if it was OK (I said no I'd really prefer adults and everyone else was silent and clearly felt awkward) she then turned up with him anyway. I was upset, felt like I'd left mine for no reason. The other women were also not happy but she was completely oblivious because its what she wanted to do and she wanted to spend time with child. She was one of my closest friends but it's really affected how I feel about her as it was just so selfish and as a group of adults it was the first time we'd been able to meet for over a year.

However on the other side it does hurt for friends to have ZERO interest in your children. My best friend of over 20yrs is childfree happily and when I had DD 6mths ago she didn't even send me a card. Nothing. I don't expect her to want to spend days out or lunches with us, I'm always interested in whats important in her life but that was so cold we're now no longer friends.

For me such selfishness would be friendship ending.

I honestly couldn't be arsed spending ANY time in the company of someone so dim and obtuse.

Thankfully I have never come across anyone like this as if someone did try it, I would be straight up and tell them lets leave it until it's a childfree meet up.

If I'm leaving mine behind, I sure as hell wouldn't have any interest in any others.
I also wouldn't apologise for feeling that way either.

However on the other side it does hurt for friends to have ZERO interest in your children. My best friend of over 20yrs is childfree happily and when I had DD 6mths ago she didn't even send me a card. Nothing. I don't expect her to want to spend days out or lunches with us, I'm always interested in whats important in her life but that was so cold we're now no longer friends.

That's shitty. Failing to acknowledge a friend's big life event whether it's a birth/death/marriage/shagged Tom Hardy, is a bit of a 'fuck you' to the friendship.

YANBU & Neither is she. Her priorities have changed, she enjoys her DCs & you don't.

Reality is you are at different life stages & have therefore grown apart. She's likely to resent it if you tell her you want to see her, not her family too. I had that from an old friend & I don't bother with him anymore as I got fed up of his very vocal dislike of kids & demanding me to himself. Though in his case, I realised he wants full on attention himself & couldn't stand the competition of DCs & meet ups always had to be on his terms

YANBU to just want an adult meet up

But it's maybe the communication with your friend that's led to a situation you've not felt happy with

I haven't read the full thread but do you know why your friend needed to bring her DC?

There's no way my DS would entertain being in a coffee shop for any length of time and it would be incredibly stressful I doubt I would even manage to take my eyes off him - so if I didn't have childcare I would have had to suggest cancel meeting or ask my friend if she wanted to meet at the park or a walk. If it was a close friend I would just have explained and then seen what she wanted to do.

@SmallChairs

In the nicest possible way, you have slipped way down the importance agenda of your friends with babies or young children. The lunching friend you thought was unfairly preoccupied with her child crying and throwing things and wanted to quip ‘this is why you should have arranged childcare’? — this is her life at the moment, and you inwardly sighing, tutting and saying ‘What about ME?’ doesn’t make you fun to be around from her POV, either.

You don’t get to dictate whether they get childcare or not, because you’d prefer it. You do get to say ‘I don’t want to see again ever ever if your child attends too’, though be prepared for those friendships to tail off. You also have the option of finding more childfree friends, or friends with teenage or adult children.

Personally, I would hold out. Yes, the dynamic is different, but if you value your friends, surely it’s worth waiting things out? Those children won’t be little for long.

Great response.