To not be interested in friends kids

[enoughforme]

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

It's surprising really the number of dads who are viewed as "hands-on" but never take their DC anywhere solo or look after them alone at home. It's really common in my experience.

I'm sitting on the fence with this one - I would absolutely not bring my particular child in this situation she'd be a pain but my DH is actually hands-on rather than just pretending to be...

The thing where you disclose something important and they ignore you or interrupt you in the middle of a sentence can absolutely ruin relationships though. My sister did this for about a decade, by which point we essentially had no relationship. She seems surprised about this. I had really been through the mill in those 10 years.

Interesting thread! I also was awkward around dch until I had my own. It's funny that you can pull faces at kids and do silly voices that you wouldn't do with adults, and I do that sometimes, to amuse myself - they don't think you're a nutter like an.adult would. But it's tiresome if you're expecting adult chat and your friend brings their child, unless the child happens to be quiet/asleep/undemanding at that time, which can't be predicted. It defo changes the dynamics, but you can't expect parents to remain carefree in the way they were before dch. But some parents do what I call "display parenting", aka showing off. If you get that, give up on your friend until the dch reaches puberty

I went out Last night another example - evening meal 8.30pm and two families had children running saying 'shoo shoo' round the restaurant really loud walking in between tables for fun and listening to iPads!! Me and DH were mortified - why would you allow your child to do this in a restaurant at 8.30pm Saturday night??

You were mortified?!
I think you need to get a grip, those children had just as much right to be there last night as you did.

You are missing my point entirely - that is why I would leave my child at home!! Because I cannot predict their behaviour so why risk it??

No i'm not! You don't have children yet. It's clear you have absolutely no understanding why it's not always possible to do things sans children.

You will understand when you are in that boat yourself. I hope others are more understanding.

But ultimately your friend did not assume it was OK to bring her child. She asked and you said yes. Her children did not behave in a way you think is acceptable so now you are moaning. Children can be good as gold at times or right little shits other times. This may not even be normal behaviour for this child.

Maybe she doesn't value your conversation enough to pay a fortune for childcare. Personally I love other people's kids and generally opt for meet ups with kids but yes sometimes it is annoying if you can't have a proper conversation because a child is there. My friend has an autistic, deaf child who is very demanding. I love him to bits but it is very hard to have a conversation with her when he is there.

You will understand when you are in that boat yourself. I hope others are more understanding.

Most of us without kids can figure this out. It isn’t rocket science.

I don't understand why they would bring kids along tbh.

I love DS, but I arrange meeting up with my friends at times when DH is home. I just don't enjoy myself when I have a toddler screaming for attention

those children had just as much right to be there last night as you did.

They also had as much right to run about between the tables being loud and playloud stuff on iPads. And by that I mean none. Take your child to a restaurant by all means but don't behave like a twat and let them run riot.

Oh yes!! Like the people who let their DC scream through my entire wedding speech. You can hear on the video that I'm struggling to be heard (and the parents were friends of DH's rather than mine - so not like they can have actually wanted to hear the speech!)

Now in what world does a man bring his kids out and leave the woman at home to 'chill'

My husband does this. It's because there are things to do at home and sometimes I'm exhausted. I expect your friend's partner is in a similar situation. There is no reason why she should realise that you see her child as some kind of cockroach she should avoid your having to set eyes on, ever.

We would not be friends...

My best friend is now a grandmother and we have certainly grown apart a bit over the last couple of years because of it. Every conversation comes round to the grandchildren and how wonderful they are, I sit through all the latest photos and whenever I go to visit, they invariably turn up( only live round the corner) so all adult conversation stops while we watch them. I sound a bad tempered bitch I know but I miss being able to chat with her about adult stuff rather than drinking pretend tea out of empty teacups.( Been there, done it. Wasnt fun first time round either)

Wouldn't it be weird if I bought my mom or DH out to lunch? So why are children any different?

The difference is children can't be left alone so she'd have to arrange childcare to meet up with you. Duh 😒
Childcare is costly and not everyone has family offering free childcare so she may not think it's worth spending extra each time you meet up if she can bring her DC.

Maybe let her know it bothers you this much or just don't meet up with her anymore.

Agreed! I have a friend with a child and I have to specifically tell her when meeting up, 'we CAN do something with DD, I don't mind!' Because she never wants to bring her 😂 fair enough, she says it's a break for her so I totally get it.

OP, your friend sounds like a relative of mine, always had her kids attached to her throughout their childhood and now she loves to brag 'I LOVED being around my children' as if everyone else hated theirs for wanting adult time. Well now both her kids are adults and spoiled entitled assholes so 🤷🏽‍♀️

YANBU. I have kids and I'd far rather see friends at dinner without my kids in tow unless disaster struck on the childcare front. I also make an effort not to talk about my kids unless answering a question as it's boring to others and I like to be an independent person, rather than an appendage to my kids, for a few hours.

I hope I'm an attentive mum to my kids and put their needs above my own, but I do wonder if we have become a bit too child-centric compared to my parents' generation. Our weekends are spent chasing round kids' sports activities which we enjoy but I can't imagine my parents signing every weekend away.

@nocoffeenobooze

I went out Last night another example - evening meal 8.30pm and two families had children running saying 'shoo shoo' round the restaurant really loud walking in between tables for fun and listening to iPads!! Me and DH were mortified - why would you allow your child to do this in a restaurant at 8.30pm Saturday night??

You were mortified?!
I think you need to get a grip, those children had just as much right to be there last night as you did.

I doubt nocoffeenobooze was running round the restaurant with her husband saying 'shoo shoo' and blasting an i-pad.

Yes, the children had a right to be there but their parents should have ensured they weren't disturbing other guests.

@SoupDragon

those children had just as much right to be there last night as you did.

They also had as much right to run about between the tables being loud and playloud stuff on iPads. And by that I mean none. Take your child to a restaurant by all means but don't behave like a twat and let them run riot.

Absolutely this. Children should be allowed in restaurants. But they should not be allowed to run amok and ruin the experience for other diners.

Most of us without kids can figure this out. It isn’t rocket science.

Fair point!

Don't think OP can though.

And BIL definitely couldn't which is why I get so much enjoyment now at his kids doing normal kid things

@Phineyj

It's surprising really the number of dads who are viewed as "hands-on" but never take their DC anywhere solo or look after them alone at home. It's really common in my experience.

I'm sitting on the fence with this one - I would absolutely not bring my particular child in this situation she'd be a pain but my DH is actually hands-on rather than just pretending to be...

The thing where you disclose something important and they ignore you or interrupt you in the middle of a sentence can absolutely ruin relationships though. My sister did this for about a decade, by which point we essentially had no relationship. She seems surprised about this. I had really been through the mill in those 10 years.

Very true! My close friends husband seems very hands on. He is always dotting on DS next to us. However close friend always moans that she can never leave DS alone with her husband, he moans shouts gets angry and makes life hell for her all week if forced

Totally agree. And the assumption that, if you are a mother, you're fine with other people's kids at all social events when, in fact, you may be in desperate need of a child free couple of hours. Women are never allowed a break.

I look after kids for a living and get this. Truth is, I don't mind being around well-behaved children. But it's all about the time and the place.

@nocoffeenobooze

I went out Last night another example - evening meal 8.30pm and two families had children running saying 'shoo shoo' round the restaurant really loud walking in between tables for fun and listening to iPads!! Me and DH were mortified - why would you allow your child to do this in a restaurant at 8.30pm Saturday night??

You were mortified?!
I think you need to get a grip, those children had just as much right to be there last night as you did.

Presumably running around whilst on ipads and being noisy was the issue, as it would be if it was adults. I expect most people going out for food at 2030 would assume there wouldn't be children there.

I have older kids and it would be torture for me to sit having lunch with small children. Time and place and adult times are not the place

YANBU. This would annoy me too.

@nocoffeenobooze

I went out Last night another example - evening meal 8.30pm and two families had children running saying 'shoo shoo' round the restaurant really loud walking in between tables for fun and listening to iPads!! Me and DH were mortified - why would you allow your child to do this in a restaurant at 8.30pm Saturday night??

You were mortified?!
I think you need to get a grip, those children had just as much right to be there last night as you did.

Not when they cannot behave in a socially acceptable way, I disagree. In this case the child was about 6 - not a baby,

The adults should either control the situation or leave. Sorry but it's selfish AF.

Maybe she doesn't value your conversation enough to pay a fortune for childcare.

It’s basically this. It sounds harsh - but you’ve been pretty blunt about her, so this is the flip side from her point of view. Or she’s not bothered enough to make it one of “her” times out (meaning presumably that she’s flying solo for a couple of hours while her DH goes down the pub, or whatever). She’s happy to see you, but not enough that she’ll make a significant sacrifice of child free time to do so. You’re happy to see her, but not enough that you’re able to put up with her child. You’re probably just not very good friends when it comes down to it. And there’s nothing wrong with that - it’s just life….

@enoughforme YANBU. I adore my kids and always have, but I have never taken them for meet ups with friends (unless it was friends with other kids obvs!)

Having said that, I hate it when I am meeting someone, and they bring ANYone with them. Not just their child/ren. It totally changes the dynamic.

I also agree that badly behaved children disrupting people in a restaurant/on a meal out is infuriating. Some people need to go on a course to learn how to discipline their children! Why should their 'spirited' children having fun, trump the enjoyment of other people?!