To not be interested in friends kids

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Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates

Surely you’re not that simple to understand that some people don’t have babysitters on demand? If I’m not at work I have my toddler, my DH has her the days I work and vice versus. We have no other family support. Night time meet ups I can do but if friends want to meet in the day they know DD will be coming, luckily it’s not a problem.

I feel the same but I also wouldn’t pay to put my kid into childcare for a coffee with a friend. Save the childcare for when it is really needed - it’s expensive!

I was informed but it was last minute to the point where it would have been mean to say no - also I'll be honest this doesn't always happen with this particular friend but it just shouldn't happen at all IMO!

That changes things. You could have said no.

Why is this friend immune to emergencies?

I can see where you're coming from, but as a person with literally ZERO childcare options, my 10 month old goes where I go. It would make me sad to think that my friends would rather not see me than spend a bit of time with my baby.

Saying that, I don't find any other children as charming and gorgeous as my own, so... 😂 YANBU.

I wouldn't be so naive to think that everyone is as infatuated with my child and I do think it's fine to ask for child-free meet ups, but maybe evenings would work better.

I'm childfree and I agree with you. A baby that was asleep would be OK, but not a child that was being noisy and demanding her mum's attention all the time. Of course, it's perfectly natural for a child to do that, and natural for the mum to respond, but if that leaves the childfree friend sitting like a lemon, the dynamic is never going to work.

It's awkward if it happens on the last minute. As a one-off I'd put up with it, but I wouldn't plan further meals with the DD coming along.

You're 100% right about gender expectations - you wouldn't expect to see a bloke out with his mates bringing a small DC along with him.

I have two kids under 3 and I completely agree with you! If I have a chance for adult conversation without the kids I jump at it.

So basically she asked if she could bring her child. Yes last minute because she didn't just bring child along. You said yes.

This doesn't happen often with this particular friend.

I was feeling a bit of sympathy for you but not after your last update!

Ultimately my children top my friends.

I would try and accommodate friends and keep friendships going, but I don't think I would want to be friends with someone so intolerant to other peoples children.

Children do change dynamics and its not fun being out with them, but that is her world now and some empathy wouldn't go amiss. Do you know why she had to bring child?
L

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

Yes, YABU to think that you get to dictate.

I have a small child and when I meet with child free friends I sometimes take her and sometimes don’t. I do get that it’s good to have adult only time sometimes but I have a child and they just need to deal with that sometimes too.

I think your idea of childcare is probably also a bit naive. I am lucky enough to have GPs nearby who will look after her, and DP will happily have her for the day if I want to do something, but you need to be reasonable about how often you ask. E.g. recently child free friend wanted to meet for lunch, DP had done childcare all day the previous Saturday while I went for a spa, GPs had her overnight in the week and were doing house renovations. So I didn’t real it was fair to ask them. Parents will have all of these considerations in mind. And besides, probably just also want to spend time with their child.

Bring your dog next time

@spotcheck

Bring your dog next time

A dog would just snooze under the table (if it was allowed in)!

This has actually quite annoyed me.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

Your friend WAS stuck for childcare. She did let you know in advance she was bringing her child. You said that was fine.

The actual situation is totally different to how you’ve presented it in the ol.

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

And not just that but to instinctively know how to “be” with them too.

YANBU, I don’t take my DD to do stuff with my friends. That means I am limited to weekend meet ups but tbh a child changes the dynamic and I wouldn’t be able to actually speak to my friends at all if the little one was with me. If I had no options I would warn anyone I was meeting and give them the choice to pull out. Its just not fun for the person you are with. Plus I want to actually relax and have a chat myself. And good point, men rarely go to see their mates with kids in tow.

Not everyone likes kids, I was pretty awkward with them before I had my own and tbh I’m still awkward with kids who aren’t mine.

Thankfully any of my friends who felt this way when I had small children just stopped asking me out. I spend all my precious time around people who love and care about me enough to accept my babies/ toddlers are often with me. I’m grateful they stopped wasting my time to be honest! They’re getting to an age now where I’m more comfortable leaving them at home and so I’ve started going out without them recently - still not wasting my time on people who didn’t want to know/ made demands on my time that I wasn’t ready for in the interim.

Just do her a favour and stop organising things - she’ll get the message and I’m sure you’ll both be fine.

Some friends since becoming parents are still interested in having proper conversations and make time for it. Others stop being interested completely and you end up distancing yourself from them.

Absolutely this. The ones who make the effort are the ones I’ve remained friends with, the others I’ve either lost contact with or they’ve become “I see them occasionally” acquaintances.

Even if they have their child with them, there’s a big difference between someone who is actually listening to you and engaging with you, and those who cut you off when you’re talking about your new job/bereavement/health issue to coo over the fact that Junior has just chewed his finger.

The entitlement can know no bounds - I’ve had someone bring their toddler to an evening meal at someone’s house, or insist on pub visits being rearranged from the evening to 5pm (when everyone was still at work!) to fit in with their toddler’s bed time

YANBU for wanting adult time, although your friends might not be able to give it. Their kids will always come first and that's just how it is.

YABU if you are expecting your friends to just read your mind and know that you don't want them to bring their kids.

@LittleFroggie

Thankfully any of my friends who felt this way when I had small children just stopped asking me out. I spend all my precious time around people who love and care about me enough to accept my babies/ toddlers are often with me. I’m grateful they stopped wasting my time to be honest! They’re getting to an age now where I’m more comfortable leaving them at home and so I’ve started going out without them recently - still not wasting my time on people who didn’t want to know/ made demands on my time that I wasn’t ready for in the interim.

Just do her a favour and stop organising things - she’ll get the message and I’m sure you’ll both be fine.

I'm sure they're not overly upset that you're 'not wasting your time' on them.

That does sound annoying but please don't assume people can just sort childcare it's not always easy.

Unless they're at their dads my kids come everywhere with me as I have no support. I'd never impose them on anyone though and often tell friends just to come to my house and I cook.

Ny kids well past the food throwing stages though and I often put them on their own table in restaurants to eat if I meet friends (especially if my friends bring their kids too), makes them feel very grown up I hate having by the mind what I say because kids are about!

It's just one of those life-changes that can be make or break for friendships, I think.

I'd tend to be on your friend's side here, not that it matters.

Friends who were openly uninterested in my children have drifted - and that's fine.

I'm sure they're not overly upset that you're 'not wasting your time' on them.

Quite.

This wouldn't bother me at all tbh, plus she asked you if you mind and you said no, so YABU for saying it's fine.

I do, on the other hand, have an issue with friends randomly bringing their partners with them. I've one friend in particular who has turned up with bf unannounced. That I find strange.

Not everyone likes kids, I was pretty awkward with them before I had my own and tbh I’m still awkward with kids who aren’t mine.

Exactly this I'm quite awkward around others kids it just doesn't come naturally to interact with them but don't feel it should be expected too either.

Funny because I noticed my DH never really interacts with his friends kids (you know the high pitched child voice people do to children, and the Awwww she's so cute etc etc) but I always used to force it because I felt I was expected to as the woman but I've now stopped.

I think there’s a difference between a girls night/day out with cocktails etc that’s explicitly girls only versus a quick coffee or lunch meet up.

Obviously I can see why you’d be pissed off at someone expecting to bring a child to the former but not so much the latter.

Oh I HATE when people do that, especially when I've left my own kids at home!

@gannett

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

Very very good point. I can't imagine any of my male friends bringing their children to a lunch meet-up. Though I am friends with women who don't do that either.

Exactly this.