To not be interested in friends kids

[enoughforme]

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

@Winemewhynot

I think there’s a difference between a girls night/day out with cocktails etc that’s explicitly girls only versus a quick coffee or lunch meet up.

Obviously I can see why you’d be pissed off at someone expecting to bring a child to the former but not so much the latter.

To be honest when she said the child was coming my first thought was - relax and stop being mean it's no big deal and you might actually enjoy seeing the kid.

It was only when the child was iPad, crying and throwing that I thought - WHY and went back to my original thoughts.

Had the child have behaved and sat quietly I don't think I'd be posting this.

I agree with you. I relished an adult meet up when mine were wee and had no desire to take them along if I didn’t have to. You can’t have a proper conversation, it’s a pain in the arse.

Although I can imagine it's really awkward saying no when told at last minute, at least she gave the heads up.

Generally though I agree, and I think some people on this thread are conflating someone wanting some time with their friends to chat without distraction of children as not being interested in them. I love my friends children and I have children myself, but it's also really nice to spend time just us, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

I get you OP. But Im the one with the children in this instance. What with my shifts and DP shifts I can rarely get time to see me friends without the kids in tow. I haven't seen some of my friends for months for this same reason. I agree I can't talk properly to my friends but it's with the kids or nothing ☹️

I've children and I agree that YANBU.

It's weird now with some older children who change the dynamics of the conversation. They want to come along as they like eating out and their parents never so no to them 🙄. We have loads of gatherings where the children are there and having fun and joining in but sometimes I want an adult meet-up and will leave my children at home

Had the child have behaved and sat quietly I don't think I'd be posting this.

Honestly, you sound quite knobbish with this comment.

@LittleFroggie

Thankfully any of my friends who felt this way when I had small children just stopped asking me out. I spend all my precious time around people who love and care about me enough to accept my babies/ toddlers are often with me. I’m grateful they stopped wasting my time to be honest! They’re getting to an age now where I’m more comfortable leaving them at home and so I’ve started going out without them recently - still not wasting my time on people who didn’t want to know/ made demands on my time that I wasn’t ready for in the interim.

Just do her a favour and stop organising things - she’ll get the message and I’m sure you’ll both be fine.

That's extreme, friends can like your children whilst also wanting to see you without them sometimes. Doesn't sound like much of a loss for them with that attitude though, it's boring when people cease to be their own person when they have children.

Really good point about it not being a man's problem!

I have been to not one but TWO hen parties in recent years where children came along! In one instance the mum was a single parent (yes it's so hard, I'm a single parent but part of being a single parent is sometimes cutting your losses and not going places) and the other mum said "My husband could look after them but honestly he's absolutely useless and I don't trust him" - the kids were 9 and 13

How young was the child? I think it’s a bit unreasonable if she had no childcare and she did ask if it was ok.

I saw some of my friends with their young children when I was childless and it is different. They can’t be completely invested in a conversation as they have to watch their child (not cooing over them). However I’ve always liked kids so would always say I was fine with it as I got a chance to play with the kids too.

When I had kids I only took mine to a meet up with childless friends twice, when I asked if ok and didn’t have childcare. Otherwise I don’t take my kids since it’s hard to focus on my friends while watching the kids. Unless my friends have kids too and bring them. Then we both accept that we’ll end up being half distracted with the kids but since our kids are a bit older they can largely entertain themselves with each other without needing us every 5mins.

If your friend’s child is young and you value the relationship then I’d maybe hang out or say perhaps if you feel comfortable leaving x one day we can go (insert adult type restaurant)? If you’re not too bothered then maybe leave it a while. Things will get different when the child is older.

Had the child have behaved and sat quietly I don't think I'd be posting this.

You suggest you would like children in your posts.

Please come back in a few years time when you have a similar aged child..........

Can I also clarify, posters saying they have no childcare I am NOT aiming this at people
in that situation.

The people I'm referring to all have support networks it is not the same comparison and when they bring kids they say their DH is at home.

Now in what world does a man bring his kids out and leave the woman at home to 'chill' - I reckon this happens much less then the other way around.

It's gender expectation BS playing out at its full potential in my honest opinion

@nocoffeenobooze

Had the child have behaved and sat quietly I don't think I'd be posting this.

Honestly, you sound quite knobbish with this comment.

It's just honesty from the OP. I tend to agree. If that makes me horrible, then so be it.

@Wakeupin2022

Had the child have behaved and sat quietly I don't think I'd be posting this.

You suggest you would like children in your posts.

Please come back in a few years time when you have a similar aged child..........

You are missing my point entirely - that is why I would leave my child at home!! Because I cannot predict their behaviour so why risk it??

I know they child is not guaranteed to sit and listen that's why they should STAY home or get childcare!!

I went out Last night another example - evening meal 8.30pm and two families had children running saying 'shoo shoo' round the restaurant really loud walking in between tables for fun and listening to iPads!! Me and DH were mortified - why would you allow your child to do this in a restaurant at 8.30pm Saturday night??

I have kids and I get pissed off when my friends kids come out and make a carry on.

Yes yes 'they're only kids' but I find most of the time it can be avoided

Personally, I think children are like partners. Occasionally, one might show up unexpectedly, and that's OK, but if you never get to spend any one-to-one time together ever again - not sure that friendship is for me anymore.

I get that life is unpredictable and messy, plans fall through, babysitters cost money, etc. I won't get upset if you cancel on me at short-notice because your child just threw up everywhere, or if you suggest meeting at your house in the evening whilst your child is asleep, because you can't get a babysitter but you still want a good chinwag.

I won't get upset if you ignore me for a year because you're a tired wreck, and suggest catching up after a long silence you create, because you just haven't had the energy to be a parent and your own person.

I think I'm pretty forgiving, TBH. I know your life has changed, and it's a big deal, and what is a big deal to me is not necessarily still a big deal to you.

I will get upset if every single suggestion I make involves you adapting the plan to bring your child. Some suggestions aren't child-friendly. If you can't remember how to be an adult once in a blue moon (especially if you have a partner, who can look after your child alone once in a blue moon, with notice, and with planning), you've clearly moved on from our friendship.

As a bare minimum, everyone is capable, if they wish, to find some time for a private phone call to talk about non-child related matters. I'm not even saying that phone call needs to be planned, I'm just saying if you're not prepared to have some one-to-one time every so often, you don't care about the friendship anymore.

I've got 3 DC and categorically refuse to go meeting friends for lunch with mine in tow, will always sort child care or not go at all. It's impossible to chat to my friends properly if my DC are wanting my attention, it's not enjoyable. I do meet friends who will often being their DC,sometimes it's ok and they play nice and behave, other times it's a nightmare and the DC bringer is clearly not enjoying themselves, just makes the whole outing pointless!

YANBU I used to feel like this before kids. But now I'm a parent I see the other side. What you have to understand is their children are their main focus. Just say it straight and say you only want to meet up without the kids. If they don't want that then it is what it is. Nobody is to blame, you just have different lives.

@FightingtheFoo

I have kids and feel the same

Same.

See also pets.

You seem to think that childcare is available at the snap of a finger. What is this childcare that a parent can just drop their child into for a couple of hours with no notice while they meet someone for coffee?

If there's no family available, what is the parent supposed to do?

I used to be similarly frustrated by my friends constantly focusing on their kids and barely listening to me, so I do get what you're saying. But if there's no other patent at home, where does this mythical childcare exist? And does the mother just have to become more and more isolated as she can't inflict her child on anyone?

@enoughforme my DD was brilliant at eating out in public from birth, never had a problem. DS in the other hand - from the ages of 1.5 - 3 I didn't bother once because he was a little twat rascal in restaurants. It wasn't enjoyable and it's ok to be annoyed when kids don't sit quietly. I used to hate it, it's so distracting and it's pointless even meeting up with other adults if every second has to be consumed by managing a child

I think it’s reasonable to have child free meals or drinks but when you’ve got kids there’s a limited amount of time you can get child care for. No one actually wants to be left at home with my kids while I go out so I would save the childcare for times when you get the most out of it if that makes sense. If you asked grandparents/dh to have them every time you met up for a coffee they would get fed up.

I’d say meeting up for coffee in a chain coffee shop is the sort of things I’d bring kids to. A nice meal out or a few drinks etc I would get a Babysitter.
Everyone saying childcare is no problem probably doesn’t have a clue what a balancing act it is.

I have kids and feel the same so yanbu to prefer the kids not being there. Also good points about female expectation in general and also the fact you will hardly ever see a group of dads with the kids getting brought along for the days socialising.

But In the nicest way please remember this when/if you have future children and all your friends kids are safely at school during the day or older etc so won’t come to outings, your friends might not take so kindly to your toddler tagging along when you will inevitably have no childcare one day.

What was this magic last minute child care you expected your friend to find?

Please will people stop posting that I think childcare is easy!! I don't - I said I would not mind if they were stuck for childcare but this is NOT the case for the situations I'm talking about.

They are bringing the child out of choice.

why would you allow your child to do this in a restaurant at 8.30pm Saturday night??

Because some people have the social hide of a rhinoceros and are happy to screw everyone else over as long as they’re getting what they want. I knew someone who said that their baby had screamed through a meal at a restaurant but those around them were unreasonable to object because “We are parents now and people need to realise that we just wanted a night out”.