To not be interested in friends kids

[enoughforme]

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

I think it’s fine for some people to never want to be away from their kids. They love them. But that will have an impact on their friendships. Just msg her ‘when can you next get childcare and so we can meet up?’ If she says it’s okay I’ll just bring her say ‘ah I was hoping for some adult time’. If she won’t leave the kid don’t meet up.

My ds is 7 and recently while he was at school I met with a good friend I haven't seen for ages and she brought her ds 16 months.
Yes it changed the dynamic,of course it did but I knew he'd be there.
Did you know she was bringing him? If you didn't then yanbu.

YANBU.

I agree with you, if you have no other choice tell the friend you will have to bring the child or rearrange. I am glad for the chance of an adult meal personally. Well I was, mine are teens now so they are happy to stay at home

Why didn't you ask for a child free meeting?

@enoughforme

Yes *@Muggee* if it were me I'd say 'struggling for childcare today ladies so I either bring my child or can't come' and I'd leave it at that.

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

Men don't have the same expectations.

Yes I agree absolutely. Maybe send a message beforehand saying looking forward to a catch up just us lot or something. If someone is offended by that they can choose to not go.

Yanbu

In the nicest possible way, you have slipped way down the importance agenda of your friends with babies or young children. The lunching friend you thought was unfairly preoccupied with her child crying and throwing things and wanted to quip ‘this is why you should have arranged childcare’? — this is her life at the moment, and you inwardly sighing, tutting and saying ‘What about ME?’ doesn’t make you fun to be around from her POV, either.

You don’t get to dictate whether they get childcare or not, because you’d prefer it. You do get to say ‘I don’t want to see again ever ever if your child attends too’, though be prepared for those friendships to tail off. You also have the option of finding more childfree friends, or friends with teenage or adult children.

Personally, I would hold out. Yes, the dynamic is different, but if you value your friends, surely it’s worth waiting things out? Those children won’t be little for long.

I totally agree with you OP and I have a child. Before I had my dd friends with kids would do this to me sometimes and I found it really irritating.

@Geamhradh

Def NBU. I'm biologically programmed to love my own. Others are just small humans. Some I know well, some hardly at all. It gets better as they get older. One of my friends had her children a good decade before the rest of our group and visiting them or meeting them was, frankly, tedious.

I feel exactly like this. My own, I have no doubt I will love unconditionally but others just small humans that can't even talk so have no idea why I should feel obligated to enjoy their company - particularly when they are crying and throwing food on floors

Depends, if her partner was busy and has no relations to help I can see why she wouldn't be able to find a paid babysitter just to go out for a coffee. Maybe meet up in the evening if you want more in depth chats.

Just seen your update that it was a coffee shop type meet up. In which case, she probably just saw it as a casual meet up. She may have said to her DH “right, I’m off for a coffee with enough, you go and do various jobs and we’ll do something all together later.” Maybe she’s the default parent because he works more. Or maybe she works more and doesn’t like leaving her DD at the weekend. All sorts of scenarios. But - basically - she didn’t want to go to the hassle of sorting childcare to sit in a coffee shop. As I said upthread, I don’t think either of you is unreasonable- just sounds like it’s not a friendship that’s going to work from now on in.

You're not unreasonable at all.

@kaleidoscopeheartless

Why didn't you ask for a child free meeting?

It was arranged as adult free then she said do you mind if I bring her.

I felt awkward at that point saying no

YANBU at all. I have two kids and I feel the same way. If it's a rare-ish lunch with a good friend I'd expect neither of us to bring our kids.

@enoughforme

Yes *@Muggee* if it were me I'd say 'struggling for childcare today ladies so I either bring my child or can't come' and I'd leave it at that.

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

Men don't have the same expectations.

Totally agree. And the assumption that, if you are a mother, you're fine with other people's kids at all social events when, in fact, you may be in desperate need of a child free couple of hours. Women are never allowed a break.

YANBU. I would definitely message a friend (parent or child free) in advance to say, ‘I can’t sort childcare, are you happy for DS to come or shall we rearrange?’. The assumption would annoy me too.

@WimpoleHat

You aren’t unreasonable- but she’s not unreasonable for wanting to bring her child either. Sounds like your friendship may have run its course (which is fine and part of life).

You don't think it's unreasonable to bring someone who is not invited and who the OP has no interest in seeing and who will entirely change the dynamic of the lunch?

The lunch is for OP to catch up with her friend. Not for her to play audience to a misbehaving child

Totally agree. And the assumption that, if you are a mother, you're fine with other people's kids at all social events when, in fact, you may be in desperate need of a child free couple of hours. Women are never allowed a break.

Exactly it's yet again another societal pressure that females should always want the company of children and if they don't they're 'not maternal' or seen as 'cold/bad parents'

If you’ve arranged an adults only meet up, it’s rude to turn up with a child without saying so in advance. I’m totally happy to fit in with emergencies but if you’re changing plans at the last minute, it common courtesy to let people know.

@SmallChairs

In the nicest possible way, you have slipped way down the importance agenda of your friends with babies or young children. The lunching friend you thought was unfairly preoccupied with her child crying and throwing things and wanted to quip ‘this is why you should have arranged childcare’? — this is her life at the moment, and you inwardly sighing, tutting and saying ‘What about ME?’ doesn’t make you fun to be around from her POV, either.

You don’t get to dictate whether they get childcare or not, because you’d prefer it. You do get to say ‘I don’t want to see again ever ever if your child attends too’, though be prepared for those friendships to tail off. You also have the option of finding more childfree friends, or friends with teenage or adult children.

Personally, I would hold out. Yes, the dynamic is different, but if you value your friends, surely it’s worth waiting things out? Those children won’t be little for long.

Some people have no childcare available, so get a complete pass.

For everyone else, if you choose to rub your friends' noses in the fact that they're no longer important to you, don't be surprised if you no longer have any friends. Of course, friends are lower priority than kids, but being a mother doesn't give you a free pass to be selfish and inconsiderate to your mates.

Yanbu for not wanting to meet up with their children but equality they anbu for wanting to bring them along. This is why many friendships don’t last once some people start having children and others don’t.

@PurpleDaisies I was informed but it was last minute to the point where it would have been mean to say no - also I'll be honest this doesn't always happen with this particular friend but it just shouldn't happen at all IMO!

I don't ever see my other friends with kids and agin I think what annoys me is that I believe it's gender expectations again playing out.

Their husbands are hands on husbands - and when I compare it to my DH circle whilst he sees them less, he sees them much more than I do mine, because it all goes back to us females being the default caregiver be playing into this expectation so it's our friendship circles that take the biggest hit when kids come along.

I think both out of choice and societal pressure a combination of both.