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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be interested in friends kids

281 replies

enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:00

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

OP posts:
BFrazzled · 08/08/2021 20:28

It is a non-issue. Your friends life priorities changed since she has kids. She didn't do anything "rude", for her it is just a normal thing.

If meeting her with the child occasionally is an issue, just don't do it again?

SmallChairs · 08/08/2021 20:37

And just to add, I absolutely remember when my first really close friend had a baby and that weird, sad-feeling first visit where the person I felt knew me better than anyone else on earth (and vice versa) had turned into someone else, and I was just a speck on her radar rather than one of the people she was happiest to see on earth.

I was happily child free then, and wasn’t planning to have a child, but I valued her friendship, took a backseat while her son snd his little brother were small, and maintained the friendship as best I could. As did she. When I did decide to have a child, that baby was twelve, and my friend cut me the same slack. It remains a very valued, close friendship, and it would have been worth keeping whether or not I had a child. I would say to anyone in this position that if a friendship is good, it’s worth maintaining on whatever terms you can manage. Friends who have a child haven’t departed for Mars.

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 20:49

@SmallChairs

And just to add, I absolutely remember when my first really close friend had a baby and that weird, sad-feeling first visit where the person I felt knew me better than anyone else on earth (and vice versa) had turned into someone else, and I was just a speck on her radar rather than one of the people she was happiest to see on earth.

I was happily child free then, and wasn’t planning to have a child, but I valued her friendship, took a backseat while her son snd his little brother were small, and maintained the friendship as best I could. As did she. When I did decide to have a child, that baby was twelve, and my friend cut me the same slack. It remains a very valued, close friendship, and it would have been worth keeping whether or not I had a child. I would say to anyone in this position that if a friendship is good, it’s worth maintaining on whatever terms you can manage. Friends who have a child haven’t departed for Mars.

Sound advice. Thank you x
OP posts:
JoborPlay · 08/08/2021 21:43

YANBU.

A meet up with kids is not the same as a meet up without, whether all of you have kids or just 1.

If I need to take the kids/ a kid to a meet up I advise my friend of that pre scheduling it so they can decide if they want to meet or not.

JustDanceAddict · 08/08/2021 22:17

I was always happy to have a break from the kids and see friends so YANBU. Sometimes I’d bring them if it was appropriate ie, friend wanted to see them. I think a mixture of that is fine, but not if it’s an explicit girly catch up.

Anxietyandwine · 08/08/2021 23:14

I get it. Really I do. Adult time is not the same as time spent with a kid in the middle. I am also a person with v limited childcare options. In-laws are renovating and my parents are both working FT. DS age 2 isn’t isnt in nursery as we can’t afford it. I never get a break so meeting friends is at least getting out of the house even if not ideal for friends without kids. Because of Covid my son Harley knows my family (opposite to my daughter aged 10 who will go to anyone and adores extended family). It’s not always as easy as just leave the kids at home even if that is the preferable option.

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