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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be interested in friends kids

281 replies

enoughforme · 08/08/2021 09:00

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 08/08/2021 10:36

Presumably running around whilst on ipads and being noisy was the issue, as it would be if it was adults. I expect most people going out for food at 2030 would assume there wouldn't be children there.

I think adults going out to a restaurant at 2030 have a right to expect that the ambience will not be that of a children’s playground.

Twoforthree · 08/08/2021 10:37

It may well be a reciprocal arrangement with their dh’s. We would take it in turns giving each other free time. If I took my child out in my time it was easier for me.
However I only took them when there were other children there. I loved dc free time with my friends when I truly relaxed.

Next time I suggest giving her an option of meeting at the park with the dc or having a nice chat in a cafe without dc as “it’s difficult to talk properly the, like last time”. Makes the point. If she chooses the park, then next time say “can we meet up on our own this time and have a good catch up, as it’s harder when you are supervising x”

So you are seen to be flexible but making it obvious what you prefer.

wordsareveryunnecessary · 08/08/2021 10:38

I don't meet my friends with my DC.
It ends up being all about them and ruins it

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 10:38

@HauteGirlSummer

Wouldn't it be weird if I bought my mom or DH out to lunch? So why are children any different?

The difference is children can't be left alone so she'd have to arrange childcare to meet up with you. Duh 😒
Childcare is costly and not everyone has family offering free childcare so she may not think it's worth spending extra each time you meet up if she can bring her DC.

Maybe let her know it bothers you this much or just don't meet up with her anymore.

This thread is about when people CHOOSE to bring their kids not times when they are stuck for childcare.

That is the same as me randomly bringing my mom or DH out.

OP posts:
User135792468 · 08/08/2021 10:40

Why do you assume she can just arrange childcare to meet you for lunch? I don’t know many people who have family lined up round the block to look after their dc. I would rather save any childcare options I have to be able to go out with dh and not lunch with a friend. Why don’t you suggest dinner for when the child is in bed? A good friend of mine really doesn’t enjoy being around children (nothing personal to mine) so other friends have dropped her since becoming mums. If she suggests meeting up, she would never say no if I said I have to bring the dc. Most times, I always suggest dinner as I know I can help put the dc to bed and then meet her. I would, however, be annoyed if she insisted meeting for lunch and then couldn’t understand that I can’t leave my dc when dh is working from home.

User135792468 · 08/08/2021 10:40

Op, but how do you know for sure that your friend has someone to look after her dc?

PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2021 10:41

This thread is about when people CHOOSE to bring their kids not times when they are stuck for childcare.

You are assuming that they’ve chosen t bring their children and have childcare.

You said yes to your friend! What childcare did she have available that she chose not to use at the last minute?

Dina0 · 08/08/2021 10:41

YANBU at all, im a parent to a 6 year old and another on the way and wouldn't dream of bringing my child with me to a lunch or catchup with a friend unless, they had kids and were bringing them also or had said explicitly that they would like to see my child. If i had to bring my child and wasn't able to find childcare i would just reschedule. You are totally in the right to feel annoyed i sometimes get annoyed at family meals when my child decides to ask 1000 questions whilst im eating so wouldn't expect a friend at a catchup to put up with it.

I think parents need to realise not everyone wants to be around kids and that's fine as well.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2021 10:42

@enoughforme

Yes *@Muggee* if it were me I'd say 'struggling for childcare today ladies so I either bring my child or can't come' and I'd leave it at that.

DH said his friends have never ever bought their kids out and it would be weird. And it just highlights how it's annoying that because you're a female people assume/expect you want to be around other peoples kids.

Men don't have the same expectations.

I think this is true but it's the naivety of not having kids that's made you miss the cause. Because you're a female, people expect you to be looking after your kids. There are some mothers that never want to be apart from their kids, but also a lot whose husbands expect them to take them along wherever they go. It's not always a case of wanting to take them everywhere, they just are nearly always with you by necessity.
PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2021 10:42

If i had to bring my child and wasn't able to find childcare i would just reschedule.

The friend gave this option to the op. The op said no.

WimpoleHat · 08/08/2021 10:45

That is the same as me randomly bringing my mom or DH out.

It really isn’t - because you are not responsible for your husband or your mother. It is not illegal to leave either of them at home on their own. If your mother is with you, you do not have to arrange specifically with your DH to look after her while you go out (thereby potentially interrupting his plans/work or whatever). She can’t give a toddler a fiver and tell her to go and get a cappuccino in the coffee shop down the road while she drinks one with you. It’s completely different…..

ThePlantsitter · 08/08/2021 10:46

I haven't read the whole thread because it's too irritating. I don't think a friendship can continue if one half of it refuses to accept that the other's life has absolutely changed. If you are not at all interested in my kids you're not interested in me. Obviously I do stuff without my kids wherever possible because I want to be an adult sometimes but you can't just leave them with anyone like some people think you can. Also it is very obvious when people won't show an interest in how they are or what they're like and that to me is telling me you're not interested in my life.

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 10:47

@User135792468

Op, but how do you know for sure that your friend has someone to look after her dc?
Because she said just as much.
OP posts:
LindaEllen · 08/08/2021 10:48

I had a friend from uni who always brought her 10yo daughter to meetups, and it was just so awkward, because there was so much we couldn't talk about that we otherwise would have done, and ended up spending a lot of time talking about school and One Direction. YANBU.

PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2021 10:49

Because she said just as much.

She said that on that particular dah her child care was available?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2021 10:50

Because she said just as much

Who did she say could have looked after them? What did she say?

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 10:50

@ThePlantsitter

I haven't read the whole thread because it's too irritating. I don't think a friendship can continue if one half of it refuses to accept that the other's life has absolutely changed. If you are not at all interested in my kids you're not interested in me. Obviously I do stuff without my kids wherever possible because I want to be an adult sometimes but you can't just leave them with anyone like some people think you can. Also it is very obvious when people won't show an interest in how they are or what they're like and that to me is telling me you're not interested in my life.
The thing here is I do want to know how they are/what they're up to and how they're developing. I actually am interested - but only Am I interested hearing about them - not necessarily seeing them if they are a disrupt to a whole meet up, theres a difference.
OP posts:
Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 10:50

@aSofaNearYou

Because she said just as much

Who did she say could have looked after them? What did she say?

The DH was at home!!
OP posts:
spooney21 · 08/08/2021 10:50

You should have said it wasn't ok when she asked if you were that bothered. A coffee shop is hardly an upmarket restaurant, and coffee isn't a boozy lunch. If a friend asked me for a coffee I may have taken dc as I wouldn't have wanted to waste a babysitter or dh looking after dc for a coffee. I'd rather use it for when the place was not able to facilitate children or an evening meet up.

My dc was very used to going to restaurants/ cafes and would've sat colouring/ eating snacks/ playing with toys for hours. If my child was prone to meltdowns etc then I might reconsider.

user1464279374 · 08/08/2021 10:51

Based on all your follow up replies I think YABU and you clearly take issue with kids being brought anywhere as they annoy you.

The childcare thing isn't as simple as "the husband is at home". I work all week and my husband is with the kids and so at the weekends I feel I need to give him a break. Perhaps her husband was up all night with the baby and come the lunch meeting she felt it was only fair to let him nap. The delicate balance of making parenting feel equal is something you won't yet understand, but it's more complex than childcare or no childcare. And like other people are saying, her marriage and children are her priority, and a 2 hour coffee with you is probably not something she's going to think too hard about, whether you like that or not. Perhaps her other friends are more understanding.

In general, I try to be very aware of making sure I see friends who don't have kids in a calmer setting without mine, but it's not always possible.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2021 10:51

The DH was at home!!

Yeah, but what did she say about that? There's all sorts of subtext you could be unaware of. Maybe he wouldn't watch them.

Original poster
enoughforme · 08/08/2021 10:52

@spooney21

You should have said it wasn't ok when she asked if you were that bothered. A coffee shop is hardly an upmarket restaurant, and coffee isn't a boozy lunch. If a friend asked me for a coffee I may have taken dc as I wouldn't have wanted to waste a babysitter or dh looking after dc for a coffee. I'd rather use it for when the place was not able to facilitate children or an evening meet up.

My dc was very used to going to restaurants/ cafes and would've sat colouring/ eating snacks/ playing with toys for hours. If my child was prone to meltdowns etc then I might reconsider.

Tbf I do agree with this point the meeting wasn't exactly special enough to get a baby's sitter it was casual.

But for the hundredth time I will repeat - her DH was available to keep the child.

Also, had the child have behaved it wouldn't have been an issue.

Now I understand you don't know how kids will behave and this is exactly the point - maybe they shouldn't come along even if it is a casual meet. Where there are other options.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2021 10:52

The DH was at home!!

And you know for sure he was able and willing to do childcare? The fact that the friend had the child suggests that wasn’t the case.

And she phoned you to tell you and check it was ok. You said yes.

lannistunut · 08/08/2021 10:52

YANBU to not want to meet up with other people's children, but equally they ANBU either to want to take their children.

I wouldn't have bothered with many meet ups where I couldn't take the children, if I am being brutally honest. I enjoyed being with my kids, and a meet up with a friend who was happy to be around my children was a better option for me than a meet up with a friend who didn't enjoy being around my kids.

Friendships go through phases - and maybe your view on children @enoughforme just means you are a bad match for those who have young children. But the children will grow and you may then align better again.

It isn't a right or wrong issue, just preferences. Now I do not have young children I am still happy to meet friends who do, I personally like being around children even if said children are having an off day. But I am able to meet without my kids and that is OK too.

CarnationCat · 08/08/2021 10:53

I'd just stick to meeting up at bars or pubs at about 8pm Grin if I was you.