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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 07/08/2021 09:47

I would speak to friend B, not 'friend' A - tell friend B you were sorry to miss her hen night, but you didn't get the details. I'd disengage with friend A, other than being civil when necessary - I don't think friend A is much of a friend.

Cherrysoup · 07/08/2021 09:47

Have you spoken to either of them about not being invited? I would make a Whatsapp just for the 3 of you and say you spoke to Friend B who was expecting you at the hen but Friend A didn’t tell you the new time/venue and ask why.

tttigress · 07/08/2021 09:47

She probably did you a favour tbh! Can't stand hen parties

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/08/2021 09:48

Sorry op, that sounds awful.

What did you say to Friend B when she said she was looking forward to seeing you at the hen?

I'd let this weekend pass and arrange to meet friend B and explain what happened.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:50

I stupidly said I wouldn't miss the hen , I knew friend A had said it was surprise for friend B so I didn't want to say too much

And I honestly assumed friend A would invite me

The wedding is still a while away so I thought it hadn't been organised yet and I would be there

Never thought for a second friend A would exclude me from it

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 07/08/2021 09:50

How awful. The bride will think you just didn't go. Text her and say you hope she had a lovely time and you had been told it was cancelled, else you would have been there.

Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 09:51

She was jealous when you two were closer and now she’s grabbed the opportunity to take B for herself.

Talk to B and continue your friendship without A. Let A and B do their own thing. A is no friend to you.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:52

@NeilBuchananisBanksy sorry that last comment was in reply to your comment

OP posts:
Summertime21 · 07/08/2021 09:54

I would call b, explain a had not let you know about it and arrange to do something with just her to celebrate her wedding. Then just be polite to a if you see her and have to but don't engage further

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2021 09:54

You keep talking about A.

But surely B should be your first concern this morning??

You need to phone her pronto.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/08/2021 09:54

I'd be sending a WTAF message to the friend who excluded you, and a message explaining your absence to the hen.

You need to speak up for yourself.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:55

@DeflatedGinDrinker
I defiantly plan on texting the bride
They are in a lodge, a lodge I went to with DH and recommend as I knew friend B would love it
So I was going to wait until to Monday as I didn't want to dampen anything for friend B by highlighting what Friend A has done
I just wonder what Friend A has said about my absence and hope Friend B realises when I message her that I would never of missed it had I been invited

OP posts:
Dolphinnoises · 07/08/2021 09:55

You must tell friend B what happened. Concentrate on that friendship. Be factual and say she should leave it for now and concentrate on her wedding. Then be polite but distant with former friend A

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2021 09:56

No, you phone her this morning.

A text on Monday is too little too late.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:56

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster
I'm defiantly going to explain to the bride why I didn't go

And I've been thinking all night about why friend A has excluded me but can come to no possible conclusion so I'm glad it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to pull her up about it

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/08/2021 09:57

I think you can salvage this with friend B in that case. My worry is friend A has told B a load of lies about you and why you aren't there.

A is no friend.

elaeocarpus · 07/08/2021 09:57

I think if you ask/call friend A out ( especially in front of friend b) she will deny, say she did send, technology failure etc. She won't own up to purposefully excluding you, and may try and twist it to make you look bad.

I'd make apologies to friend b and explain you were told it was cancelled/not sent details and leave it at that without labouring on blaming friend A.

Just distance yourself from friend A.

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2021 09:57

Yo do need to do something otherwise B will be hurt.

WovenFish · 07/08/2021 09:58

Explain to friend B immediately what has happened so she knows you didn’t just not turn up. Send her screen shots if you need to. Tell her you’re gutted you missed it and really upset you were deliberately left out by friend A.

Plan a meal/ night out with her, treat her if you’re able, just the two of you - a mini hen party. I’d then distance myself from friend A if I was you. She sounds horrible.

CallmeHendricks · 07/08/2021 09:58

What a complete and utter bitch "Friend" A is!
Do NOT let her get away with it by remaining silent or trying to take the moral high ground. Call her out.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:59

@ElspethFlashman
I feel absolutely awful about Friend B

I've never as much as missed a birthday since we became friends
I can not believe I'm missing her hen

I just don't think she will happy with what friend A has did and I worry I'll dampen her weekend with the situation
But I guess she has to know at somepoint sooner rather than later

OP posts:
youdoyoutoday · 07/08/2021 09:59

@tttigress

She probably did you a favour tbh! Can't stand hen parties
But that's you and clearly not the point of this thread 🙄
Stanleyville · 07/08/2021 10:00

I agree, phone her this morning.

gamerchick · 07/08/2021 10:02

I'd ask the organiser on the actual photos me. Your friend will be hurt but she could have been fed a load of crap from the organiser and why didn't the bride message you on the night asking where you are if you're so close?

BlueSurfer · 07/08/2021 10:02

I would message friend B and tell her exactly what has happened. Then I would end your friendship with A and cease contact with her.

You might find there is more to it. Did you start up conversations and Zooms with B despite the lockdowns and restrictions? Your OP suggests that covid stopped conversations but that’s just an excuse as there are so many means of having conversations regardless.