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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 07/08/2021 10:52

Some kind*

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 10:54

I wonder if A has already done the groundwork in telling B and the other guests that you were invited but declined?

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2021 10:54

Knowing friend B she is still sleeping and will be till mid afternoon at least

So?

She'll pick up her messages when she wakes up, like most people do.

bleachblondemom · 07/08/2021 10:56

Ring friend B right now and drop friend A right in it. She deserves it.

SoupDragon · 07/08/2021 10:57

B might already be disappointed the that the OP isn't there. Knowing she wasn't invited might make her feel better

"Might". It is guaranteed to make a bad atmosphere for the rest of the weekend though.

crazymicrowave123 · 07/08/2021 10:58

Why hasn't B called to ask why you weren't there if you are as close as you say you are? And A sounds like a right bitch, I think you're well rid of both to be honest.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:00

@WallaceinAnderland wondering the same thing

She did this kind of thing in university to both friend B and I
Not inviting us ..telling other she had invited us but didn't come

I can remember not being invited to a end of uni term dinner and finding out she told people I couldn't go as I was with my boyfriend
When I called her out on it she said she was sure i had said he was taking me for dinner on that evening ( I ended up questioning if I had said this even although back then we rarely went for dinner as we where broke students)

And she'd act all innocent cry and say it was mis understanding

Both friend B and I thought we where losing it

In the end friend B was quite hurt by her and decided to end the friendship but we had already been friends for years by this point and I suggested we have a dinner and try it sort it out

Friend A apolgosied we moved on but clearly I gave her the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't of

OP posts:
slashlover · 07/08/2021 11:01

@crazymicrowave123

Why hasn't B called to ask why you weren't there if you are as close as you say you are? And A sounds like a right bitch, I think you're well rid of both to be honest.
There's every chance that A told B that OP was invited and declined because baby/covid/other lies.
StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2021 11:01

Yes op your suggestion is perfect. If she is hurt you're not there that will adreess that but without causing a row on her hen do.

ArrrMeHearties · 07/08/2021 11:01

Speak to friend b and see what has happened. Regardless "friend" a is an absolute arsehole

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:01

@crazymicrowave123 I was thinking maybe friend A told her I couldn't attend

I mean it would be plausible to say I couldn't come due to the kids or something
Goodness knows what Friend A has said

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2021 11:01

I would also message now.

I like Ginger’s message. But I would say more. Adding how disappointed and upset you are to not be there to celebrate with her. Perhaps add you’re fine if you were excluded from the hen party due covid numbers, you just wish A had mentioned it to you when you met her for lunch the last weekend if this were the case. Throw A in the shit basically but in a nice way in case B decided you couldn’t come.

diddl · 07/08/2021 11:02

"Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen"

I do think it's quite odd that you didn't ask about it then.

MaMelon · 07/08/2021 11:02

@GingerAndTheBiscuits message is perfect - I’d send that now. You have no idea what lies A has fed her about your absence, so I think you should make it clear that you didn’t know anything about it.

The behaviour of some adults is awful - it’s like they’ve never left the playground.

Gatehouse77 · 07/08/2021 11:03

Personally, I'd call friend B ( Wouldn't use messaging is I could ensure the emphasis and tone of what I want to say is heard correctly) today. I'd say that I'd seen something on Snapchat and am assuming it's her hen weekend but, unfortunately, I had not been made aware of it, devastated to miss it and will try and arrange something for the two of us to do on another date.

And leave it there. I wouldn't engage in any accusations or blame-game and, for now, I'd keep my overt emotions under the radar.

rainbowstardrops · 07/08/2021 11:04

I'd definitely contact friend B this morning, she deserves to know the truth.
I wouldn't give 'friend' A any more of my time or headspace.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/08/2021 11:04

Stop being so passive OP. Maybe, might, perhaps, wait etc.

It doesn't matter when B will wake up, that's the beauty of messages. They arrive at the phone for the person to read when they are able. She will have already been told by A some story about why you are not there and if you don't put your side across quickly then that is all B will believe. You've had plenty of good suggestions for messages, pick one.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/08/2021 11:08

Oh wow, just seen your update. So A is a gaslighting arsehole. Definitely chuck her under the bus for this. There's no doubt she's excluded you, she's been doing it for years.

Cut her out of your life.

MrsSchadenfreude · 07/08/2021 11:08

Message or call friend B. Tell her you’ve just seen the photos, glad she had a good time, you wouldn’t have missed it for the world but friend A told you it was cancelled. Then screen shot the messages of her telling you this and removing you from the group.

Chibbles · 07/08/2021 11:09

Check the msg where you were removed from the chat and told it was being rearranged. Is the msg stil there? If so screenshot it so she can't delete it.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:10

@diddl
So when the original group chat was set up .the name of the group chat was top secret and bride was to know nothing of it

So I assumed bride didn't know anything of it and didn't want to say too much as I had a idea of original plans and I honestly stupidly just assumed I would be included
I see friend A every couple of weeks etc so if she hadn't of mentioned it soon I would of asked her the plans

I honestly just thought it was all just a bit disorganised with covid etc and now thinks have eased it would be planned closer to wedding etc

OP posts:
sonjadog · 07/08/2021 11:12

Message her now. Don't make a big deal of what friend A has done, but just say you were sorry you didn't get the information about the hen party as you would have loved to attend, and that you hope you can have a celebration for the two of you before the wedding.

I wouldn't wait until Monday as then it will look more like you weren't really bothered about it.

CraftyYankee · 07/08/2021 11:12

How far away is it? Could you pop by for the afternoon? Then you get to see Friend B and get the satisfaction of putting a pin in Friend A's evil plan.

You and Friend B have been far too nice for too long and now you are paying the price.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:13

@Chibbles yes I still have the message..I've screenshotted it now

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 07/08/2021 11:13

A is NOT your friend and clearly has no regard for your feelings and her motivation does not come from a good place (and she has form).

B should be your priority as you clearly want a friendship with her and she is the one you need to be contacting with a message saying - devastated to have missed your hen and I hope that you had an amazing night, but sadly I hadn't been told about the date or arrangements after being removed from the WA group. Really looking forward to the wedding and hope we can catch up for a night out soon.