To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

[Rooree2609]

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

Would it be better to say that you weren't told the new details rather than "A didn't tell me".

Doubtless they'll say that they thought that they had told you or that they thought someone else had told you.

I'd be wary of saying anything directly against A because of what they might say/already have said to B.

@ElspethFlashman

No, you phone her this morning.

A text on Monday is too little too late.

Massively disagree.

Right now the bride is probably still hungover and enjoying a few memories.

OP should raise it, but doing so now pisses all over any happiness the bride has for her hen and makes it all about the OP and friend As twattiness.

You'd have to be a supreme dickhead to call her this morning.

Is it for the weekend? Can you still get there if only to give friend A a death stare?!?

Call friend B, explain whats happened and how sad you are. Don't let her spend the weekend wondering and dont let A get her claws in any further.

I agree with pp, you should message or call friend b as soon as you can to explain why you're absent. I wouldn't message friend A, I think she will use anything you do against you and put her own spin on it. I've taken the 'high ground' in a similar situation to this and got 'wendied' out of a group, in hindsight it was all for the best as I went on to make much nicer friends who don't behave that way, but it was really hard at the time!

I would just send a message saying “OMG I’ve just seen that you’re on your hen do. I had no idea, I was told it was cancelled and nothing had been rearranged yet. I hope you’re having a wonderful time. I’m thinking of you. Hope we can celebrate again another time. Lots of love…”

I wouldn’t assume too much before asking. What if B is the one that asked A to not invite you?
I’d tread carefully but I would ask.
I’d do a message to both along the lines of no worries about not getting an invite/ understand numbers are limited etc but having been previously invited it was upsetting to see that the hen do had gone ahead and that no one had said anything to you.

It’s ok to say you are upset and confused.
TBH they will probably brush it off and say that they didn’t think you wanted to be invited.

Poor you its a horrible feeling.
I would message b to say
"Just seen from friend a's photos you are on your hen do? I'm so sorry I'm not there
After (original plans) were cancelled I was waiting for A to confirm any new arrangements. I haven't heard anything even on (date) when we talked/messaged. You know I would have been there if I had known. I hope you have a lovely weekend and perhaps I can take you out to (activity you will enjoy) before the big day to celebrate your last few days as a miss'

@BlueSurfer
We did still speak through WhatsApp during lockdown
When I got pregnant with baby no2 I developed HG for the second time and was extremely ill didn't get through a week without a hospital admission so I did feel my friendships suffered

However I kept in touch with both friend A and B through this and they where the first friends to meet baby boy

I did say to friend B I felt awful we hadn't got to chat wedding more etc during this time but she told me not to be so silly as she knew from pregnancy 1 how ill I get and she was just glad baby came before the wedding
We joked about it and how I've made her scared for pregnancy etc so defo no awkwardness from friend Bs perspective

Friend A has did unkind things before
She completely wanted to cut out another friend before because she didn't approve of her getting pregnant out with marriage and friend B and I had to tell her she was being horrific and unkind

So maybe she doesn't approve of something in my life and now I'm cut
So I guess I've been a bit blind in how I seen our friendship

@ElspethFlashman

You know what? You only come out of this looking OK if you ring her this morning all upset.

Otherwise she'll spend the whole weekend thinking "not only has OP not turned up for whatever reason, but she hasn't even told me why"

Agreed. If you text or call later you look passive and wishy-washy.

Call. Today. Don’t be passive, don’t spoil her day, just say what happened - “I woke up this morning and saw Instagram and it looks like you are on your Hen’s weekend - is that true? (Yes) I had no idea it had been replanned, and I wasn’t invited, B, otherwise I hope you know I would have been there like a shot. Don’t let this ruin your weekend - this is for me to discuss with your bridesmaids, perhaps it was Covid numbers etc, but I had to call first thing today, as I never imagined I wouldn’t be there right with you on this weekend and I didn’t want you to think for a moment it was because of something I did. It hurts not to have this celebration with you. Perhaps we could work out a time for the 2 of us to have a champagne afternoon tea or as my way of giving or having a Hen from me before the wedding. I’ll go now as I don’t want to big a big downer on your weekend, but please know it was a huge kick in my stomach when I saw the photos this morning and to realise the Hen was on and I had no idea about it.”

Wow friend A sounds like she has serious issues. Never trust this person she is a calculating CF. You have to make sure friend B knows that you weren’t told about the hen. I know you don’t want to dampen things but she will be hurt otherwise as she will wonder why you didn’t go. So better that she is hurt by the truth than a lie. You don’t need to make a big drama of it, but she does need to know. Friend A is determined to kill your friendship with friend B.

.

Agree with everyone else, contact friend B this morning and say that you feel terrible you weren't invited, you were really looking forward to it and wouldn't have missed it for the world.

@lameusernameAvailable

This was my other thought
What if friend B didn't want me invited or when numbers looked restricted hadn't planned to invite me to the wedding or something ?

But then it just seems makes no sense as had invite for months and when speaking to friend B the other day she was talking about me being at the hen

Also so odd I literally picked friend A up at weekend and we had lunch
We've been friends for 15 years surely she could of said at lunch look due to numbers or whatever your not invited to the hen

She knows I would of just said oh OK enjoy but she didn't even mention it
She literally changed the subject when I mentioned the wedding

Stop all the 'what ifs', the second guessing and speculation and ask your friend why she excluded you.

It's not 'confrontation', it's basic communication.

Friend A is a total total bitch.

@Babybabybabyooooh

I would definitely contact Friend B now, don’t let her spend the whole weekend thinking you didn’t want to come to the hen and lied to her face about it. Don’t go into loads of detail now, let her enjoy her weekend, but a simple message of ‘Good Morning Friend B, I just wanted to message and let you know that I am so sorry to be missing your Hen Party, there must have been a mistake and I haven’t received any details of the party, please know I would definitely be there if I had been aware. Again I am so sorry that this has happened, can we organise something to do together to celebrate your wedding?’

Do not do anything rash or allow your emotions to run high, simply because if friend A is trying to get you out of the picture she will use anything she can against you! Try and stay level headed and as mature as possible, don’t give her any ammunition!

I’m sorry this happened to you, how shitty of friend A!

Agree with this, don't ruin her enjoyment of the weekend but do let her know you had intended to be there. Then when she's back decide where to take it from there.

Don’t wait
Straight away message and apologise for not being there and explain

Just message friend B, say “I hope you’re having the best weekend, I knew you’d love it there when I suggested it to Friend A. I’m so sorry I’m not there but Friend A didn’t let me know it was happening; you know I wouldn’t have missed it if I’d known. Let’s do something lovely together closer to the wedding.”

I'd do exactly what @FollowYourOwnNorthStar suggests. Make it clear you knew nothing of the new hen do until you saw the pics and are really sorry to have missed it. If for some reason the bride did mean to leave you out (seems really unlikely) then it's up to get to explain that!

Don't let her spend all weekend thinking you didn't bother to turn up. That's far worse than spending the weekend knowing that SOMEHOW the new party details didn't get to you. No names mentioned...

It's 10.46am, just send Friend B a message now saying you're devastated there's obviously been a mix up and you didn't get the details of the hen do.

Perfect @GingerAndTheBiscuits

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

Just message friend B, say “I hope you’re having the best weekend, I knew you’d love it there when I suggested it to Friend A. I’m so sorry I’m not there but Friend A didn’t let me know it was happening; you know I wouldn’t have missed it if I’d known. Let’s do something lovely together closer to the wedding.”

This is perfect. But now would be best as other PPs said.

@thecatsthecats

Knowing friend B she is still sleeping and will be till mid afternoon at least
And yes I don't want to ruin her weekend and make it about me

I didn't know if I should message and say I've seen your on your hen I hope you have the most wonderful time and I wouldn't of missed it for the world unfortunately I didn't get the details about it but I hope we can squeeze in another celebration before you become a Mrs

I didn't know if maybe I should do that or leave it to Monday and call her

I really hope I don't lose friend B over this and she believes I didn't just not bother

I can imagine friend A may of blamed my absence on baby or something

The crazy thing is my first baby would never take a bottle and I could never do a night away until he was older

Because I knew of friend Bs hen etc I've been giving this little one a bottle at least once a day since he was born so I could make her events etc

You must speak to B or she will think you’ve just not bothered to turn up.

‘Friend’ A is a prick, and I’d be cutting her off now. Who needs friends like that?

Send the message now OP, exactly as you’ve said in your last post. Once it’s sent it’s done and friend B can decide whether she wants to respond now or at the end of the weekend. But don’t leave it because sole kind of narrative will have been spun by Friend A and the quicker you get your side of the story out there the better.