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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
expat101 · 11/08/2021 00:52

I would go out to celebrate with Friend B before the wedding. From that you can suss out where you fit in with her.

I'm mindful she has a lot of her plate right now, and there's probably a lot more Friend A has told Friend B, than you know about, which might explain why Friend B is a bit breezy about it all.

But head out fairly soon with Friend B and see how you feel from there.

longtompot · 11/08/2021 13:42

If I were friend B and friend A said my good friend was away for my hen do, I would speak to my friend and find out why. Obviously if there was a previous engagement they'd already booked to go to, then fair enough, and tbh as would have probably known about it and factored that in for the date. I would have been so sad not to have that good friend there to celebrate with me. I think you are doing the right thing op by stepping back from both of them for a bit.

billy1966 · 11/08/2021 15:58

Friend B is a fairvweather friend, neither are worth any effort.

DoubleTweenQueen · 11/08/2021 19:08

@Rooree2609 @longtompot is right. The hen would be arranged to ensure key people were able to attend. Friend B already knows it would be a high priority for you. There's no doubt that you were deliberately left out. Friend B asked if you would be there, and you replied it would be your priority - so obvious friend A has excluded you
Friend B would be an idiot to not realise that.
If B a real friend, friend A would be held to account.

Sadly, it seems neither are real friends.
You are wise to move on.

Summerfun54321 · 11/08/2021 19:31

I’d decline the wedding invite as well if it’s a while off. These people aren’t worth your time.

Bertiebiscuit · 12/08/2021 08:44

Maybe make some new friends - this all sounds like a stressful sh*tshow that no one needs in their life - I would pull back from the whole mess personally and find a new interest or group to spend my time with so I didn't have to deal with such time wasting negativity

LittleNinaNanar · 12/08/2021 09:50

Yep - what Bertiebiscuit said. I did this recently and life is lighter.

Towerofjoyless · 12/08/2021 12:05

Agree with hopeso about friend B wanting to be friends again when kids enter the picture - probably from the second she is pregnant tbh, with an interest in all things babies that she never had before in her life. At this point friend A will show faux-excitement for B and her main focus will be on throwing a baby shower for her where she can play her games again. Once baby is born A will drop B like a hot potato and B will be outraged that there is no interest from her towards her PFB.

Not that I'm cynical or anything.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 12/08/2021 12:57

I definitely feel having reflected neither have been good friends with for a while and my days of making effort are over

Still undecided about what to regards to wedding however I did like the idea of saying about being away from @diddl

'Oh sorry I didn't attend as I was away, always away so it was a easy mistake to make as you say'

OP posts:
Marcee · 12/08/2021 13:32

I'm sorry to hear your update.

I think you're doing the right thing by keeping a little more distance between yourself and these friends

DoubleTweenQueen · 12/08/2021 16:19

@Rooree2609 I wouldn’t say that, if you decide to not attend the wedding. I would say how deeply hurt you’ve been, being left out of the hen party; that it’s caused you to re-evaluate friendships previously important to you and you’ve decided you’re worth more than a deliberate oversight. Hope it hits home.

TopBlogger · 12/08/2021 18:37

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@Rooree2609 I wouldn’t say that, if you decide to not attend the wedding. I would say how deeply hurt you’ve been, being left out of the hen party; that it’s caused you to re-evaluate friendships previously important to you and you’ve decided you’re worth more than a deliberate oversight. Hope it hits home.[/quote]
I agree with this. Being honest and say how you feel about her behaviour as the bride. Yes, the other friend was being 2 faced, but the bride has also shown her true colours in her lack of concern.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 12/08/2021 18:51

Me too
OP your friends are game players. It's all passive aggressive bs. Don't feed into that, be the better person and be honest about why you are not going to the wedding.

orangejumpsuit · 12/08/2021 19:40

* I would say how deeply hurt you’ve been, being left out of the hen party; that it’s caused you to re-evaluate friendships previously important to you and you’ve decided you’re worth more than a deliberate oversight. Hope it hits home.*

I agree with the above. You are bring too nice. They deliberately left you out, and you need to call them out on it

Bawse · 12/08/2021 20:02

@Rooree2609

I definitely feel having reflected neither have been good friends with for a while and my days of making effort are over

Still undecided about what to regards to wedding however I did like the idea of saying about being away from @diddl

'Oh sorry I didn't attend as I was away, always away so it was a easy mistake to make as you say'

I wouldn’t make a passive aggressive comment like that personally – it’ll just give them reason for self-justification for their crappy behaviour.

Maintain the moral high ground I say!

Fair enough if you don’t fancy going after the hem do nonsense though. They sound daft and petty to be fair.

tattychicken · 13/08/2021 07:36

Yes I agree re telling them his hurt you are.
The Maya Angelou quote is relevant here,
"“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

tattychicken · 13/08/2021 07:37

*how

DoubleTweenQueen · 13/08/2021 08:24

@tattychicken Great quote!

EarringsandLipstick · 13/08/2021 08:38

@tattychicken

Yes I agree re telling them his hurt you are. The Maya Angelou quote is relevant here, "“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
Love this! I am going to try & remember it!
EarringsandLipstick · 13/08/2021 08:39

OP the more I think about it, I think you'd be mad to go to the wedding.

I'd tell Friend B why, non confrontationally, and leave it there.

Friend A is a piece of work. But Friend B has treated you very badly.

billy1966 · 13/08/2021 10:45

@EarringsandLipstick

OP the more I think about it, I think you'd be mad to go to the wedding.

I'd tell Friend B why, non confrontationally, and leave it there.

Friend A is a piece of work. But Friend B has treated you very badly.

Completely agree.

I wouldn't dream of spending money on a wedding of someone who clearly thought so little of me.

I just wouldn't bother.

SoupDragon · 13/08/2021 13:10

B does only have the OP's word against A's as to what happened.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/08/2021 22:48

@SoupDragon

B does only have the OP's word against A's as to what happened.
But A's version is that she 'thought' OP was away, and so didn't ask her. Which is nuts.

B is unconcerned at this, and brushes it off with 'well you're often away' or something like that.

She doesn't seem bothered ably how A treated OP & hasn't followed up with OP since.

She's not a good friend.

Bard6817 · 15/08/2021 18:37

So sorry, ive had this sort of thing and the pain lasts a long time.

Personally, id withdraw from going to the wedding, wish them all the best. Give no reason, don’t engage. It will be clear that what happened hurt, without you having to go thru explaining it.

But seriously, move on, prioritise other friendships and remember the good times with A and B but accept they are over.

Mumofsons87 · 16/08/2021 09:19

Friend A is threatened and jealous because friend B is moving into your stage of life and you will inevitably become closer. Let the hen know you wouldn't have missed it but you didn't get the invite. And you absolutely can't wait for the wedding and you would love to meet her for a one on one hen afternoon tea or spa treatment or something to hear about all the plans. Screw friend A.

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