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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:

Confusedandshaken · 07/08/2021 11:32

If you substituted SIL A and SIL B for friend A & B you’d pretty much have the story of my life for the last 35 years.

It all came to a head 4 years ago when SIL A arranged SIL Bs hen night and didn’t invite me or my adult daughters. SIL B was very hurt we weren’t there and furious with her sister when it came to light that we hadn’t been told about it.

I am civil and friendly to SIL A for the sake of family harmony but she is a stone cold bitch and no more of a friend to me than A is to you.

Original poster

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:32

@crazymicrowave123

Honestly these thoughts are running through my head and I don't want to make a full out of myself

Part me is tempted just to accept these friendships are just over / dead

I mean Friend B clearly has a short memory of how awful Friend A was to her once upon time and friend A still ended up bridesmaid when I'm not
Whatever has happened over the last few years as we've moved further away and I've had my kids clearly I've been getting pushed out right under my nose

Friend A and B live in flats 5 minutes from each other ..whereas we live in a family home a good hour away maybe I've just been forgotten or seen as a boring mum or something

OP posts:

Figgygal · 07/08/2021 11:33

Sorry op she is no friend
Sorry it’s only when it’s too late for the hen have you found out

diddl · 07/08/2021 11:34

So you think that B was lying when she said she was looking forward to seeing you at her hen do?

If so just dump them both & don't bother with the wedding either.

If not, you'll only find out by getting in touch.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/08/2021 11:34

Wow that was so unkind. I wonder what her goal was? She sounds unbalanced, it is not normal to behave in this way. I'm so sorry you have been hurt like this, totally unnecessarily too.

Original poster

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:34

@confusedandshaken

I'm sorry you've experienced this kind of nastiness too

I honestly don't know where people get the energy to be so awful
Isn't life hard enough without hurting others etc

OP posts:

Pompom2367 · 07/08/2021 11:35

She is an awful friend op she sounds toxic

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/08/2021 11:36

[quote Rooree2609]@crazymicrowave123

Honestly these thoughts are running through my head and I don't want to make a full out of myself

Part me is tempted just to accept these friendships are just over / dead

Friend A and B live in flats 5 minutes from each other ..whereas we live in a family home a good hour away maybe I've just been forgotten or seen as a boring mum or something[/quote]
I think the friendship with A needs to be over, she is toxic.

Wrt B, maybe don't make a decision right now. Take your time and space, see how you feel when you do see her. Be careful about what you say re. A. Basically look after yourself, god knows they are not!

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 11:36

Friend b may have a better time knowing you haven't snubbed her big event.. Friend a isn't a friend...

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2021 11:37

@Soberanne

Do people in real life not speak to each other anymore. You have been good friends with these people for 15 years and you cant just Text or pick up the phone to ask one what is going on and explain to the other why your not there. Honestly way too much over thinking and if your such good friends with the bride then she may not be enjoying her hen knowing her really good friend Is not there and she has no idea why.

In my real life they do and it's a pretty standard/simple thing.

Not so much on Mumsnet.

Gilmorehill · 07/08/2021 11:39

You need to speak to Friend B ASAP.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2021 11:39

@crazymicrowave123

Why hasn't B called to ask why you weren't there if you are as close as you say you are? And A sounds like a right bitch, I think you're well rid of both to be honest.

At my hen do there was a last minute drop out of a good friend who later fessed up to early morning sickness.

I didn't think of her for a hot minute because I was enjoying myself with the friends who are there.

I really do think the people goading OP to address this NOW are bored and looking for a thread to enjoy all weekend whilst OP updates with responses tbh. There's no reason at all that this can't wait until Monday.

Original poster

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:40

@diddl I didn't think so and I may just be being paranoid now

In all honesty up until now I hold friend B in the highest of regards
She is without doubt one of the kindest most lovely people I've ever met and I would've said she does not have a bad bone in her body

I've never known her to do anything bitchy or sneaky in all these years so it would be surprising

OP posts:

Alternista · 07/08/2021 11:42

Could you send something like:

I’ve just seen you’re on your hen this weekend. Something’s gone wrong somewhere- I wasn’t invited and Ive only just seen it’s happening. I’m not going to message the group because I don’t want to cause any drama that would cast a shadow over your weekend but I just wanted to let you know I love you and would have been there like a shot if I’d known. When you’re back let’s make a plan to do something special together and celebrate you. Have an absolutely brilliant time, love you loads, OP xxx

tempester28 · 07/08/2021 11:43

Tell the hen what happened so that she know you didn't just not turn up and then maybe you could arrange something for just you and the Hen another time.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 07/08/2021 11:43

Jesus Lord almighty phone her now.

Perhaps you can go for the rest of it, but if you keep wondering and making up scenarios in your head you definitely won't be able to, and the other friend will continue driving that wedge between you.

AdelindSchade · 07/08/2021 11:43

@Alternista

Could you send something like:

Yes this.

MaMelon · 07/08/2021 11:45

@Alternista

Could you send something like:

Great suggestion

PuppyMonkey · 07/08/2021 11:45

Never mind in RL do people not call each other, do people in RL spend three hours debating possible scenarios instead of just sorting it out?

Please OP, contact them somehow, now, I beg you.

Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 11:46

Great words Alternista.

SezziBaybee · 07/08/2021 11:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Bawse · 07/08/2021 11:47

@Alternista

Could you send something like:

That’s nice @alternista

It covers everything and stresses that the main thing is she enjoys her weekend. It doesn’t sound moany or accusatory, but makes it clear you weren’t aware about the weekend.

This is a really nice message.

I think you could send that OP to put your friend’s mind at rest – I would feel better to read that if I were B.

PurplePlain · 07/08/2021 11:48

The message you suggested is fine, concerned but not negative. Best to send it today so your friend knows you're thinking of her.

Brefugee · 07/08/2021 11:50

yep, send the message asap.

Then cut yourself loose bit by bit from at least A but possibly B. And if either of them ask you about it because they've noticed you have nothing to lose by explaining what you have explained here, that it's not the first time A has done this to both of you and then forget about them.

PeonyRose80 · 07/08/2021 11:50

If I was Friend B I think I would want to know and hear from you - Friend A is absolutely not your friend and as others have said, the longer you leave it, the more lies Friend A will spout out.
If Friend B behaves badly to you in the light of your message or call - at least you know where you stand!

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