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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
Goneblank38 · 07/08/2021 10:02

This sounds horrible.

I'd forget fried A entirely. Nothing she says can be trusted so I'd just cut her out from here on in. She's not your friend and hasn't been for a while. Speak to friend B directly as soon as you can and explain what's happened. If friend A has form for this, she'll believe you.

Good luck.

youdoyoutoday · 07/08/2021 10:03

You definitely need to speak to friend B asap! God knows what A is playing at or whispering in her ear in your absence! What a spiteful bitch!!

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2021 10:03

You know what? You only come out of this looking OK if you ring her this morning all upset.

Otherwise she'll spend the whole weekend thinking "not only has OP not turned up for whatever reason, but she hasn't even told me why"

pinkcircustop · 07/08/2021 10:03

YANBU. Speak to friend B, explain what happened. Then speak to friend A and ask to know why.

If she’s never called out on her behaviour she’ll just continue with it.

TracyLords · 07/08/2021 10:04

I would contact friend B and say that you saw the photos on Facebook or whatever and you are sad that you couldn’t go, but you hadn’t been invited from friend A.

I would also message friend A and ask her why she excluded you from the hen

Doyoumind · 07/08/2021 10:04

There is only one conclusion to come to but you aren't arriving at it as you don't want to accept it. Friend A excluded you. Maybe they had to limit numbers if it's lodge with a maximum capacity but you saw people there who aren't as close to Friend B as you. Friend A is no friend to you and there's no getting away from it. She has a history of unpleasantness. I would keep thing civil for the sake of the wedding but move away from the friendship with A.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 10:06

@NeilBuchananisBanksy
This exactly my worry
What on earth has said to friend B about why I'm not there?

Thankfully didn't delete the group chat friend A removed me from so hopefully that's the proof

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2021 10:06

I wouldn't bother my arse asking A for any explanation.

She's had plenty of time to come up with bullshit. And the deed is done now. What's the point? I'd ghost the bitch.

All OP can do now is salvage her reputation with B.

Today.

MuddyStiletto · 07/08/2021 10:07

@tttigress

She probably did you a favour tbh! Can't stand hen parties
What a stupid thing to post, why do people do this? The OP clearly does I'd contact the hen on Monday to explain so not to overshadow her weekend away What a horrible thing to do to you
SoupDragon · 07/08/2021 10:09

I wouldn't contact the Bride to Be today and cast a shadow over her weekend. I'd leave it til after.

I might comment on A's Facebook posts though.

Eyesofdisarray · 07/08/2021 10:10

Friend A is jealous and trying to drive a wedge between you and B.
Awful, childish behaviour- A hasn't left the playground has she?
Good luck OP

Winter2020 · 07/08/2021 10:10

Hi,
I would text straight away "I have just seen you are on your hen do. So sorry I'm not there I wasn't told about the new plan! We'll have our own celebration later! Enjoy your weekend"

and then, as you said there is still a little time until the wedding, arrange a weekend or day away just the two of you. A spar day, meal out, cocktails etc in a nice city ...straight on social media. Fight fire with fire but don't say anything much. Just have your own lovely celebration with your friend. Don't bitch about the other friend, don't even mention her .....but don't ever trust her again.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/08/2021 10:11

Are you friends with the groom? Perhaps a call to him saying you don't want to put a dampener on the weekend for B, but let him know what's going on? Ask if he knew anything about it?

honeylulu · 07/08/2021 10:11

Nasty behaviour. Sounds like A was jealous that you became friends with "her" friend B and threw spanners into the works because she was afraid the two of you might "Wendy" her. And seeing as you and B sound like two nicer people that might have been the case.

I bet A was gleeful when you had babies because it was an excuse to leave you out and guard "her" friend.

This time what she's done is so overtly nasty. Ideally when B asked you about the hen you should have at least asked if a new date had been set, but that can't be helped now. I would def call B and explain why you weren't there. You'll drop A right in it but that's of her own making and sounds like not really a friendship left to lose.

Vile person.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 07/08/2021 10:13

Exactly @ElspethFlashman.

If you don't contact B she will spend the whole weekend thinking you aren't as good a friend as she thought, or couldn't be arsed. And chances are she's already asked A, and A has spun her some bull which she'll believe unless you nip this in the bud now.

essentialhealing · 07/08/2021 10:14

Friend A is no longer a friend from this point onwards

I would explain what has happened to friend B and stop all contact with A

A sounds resentful of your friendship with B. Removing you from the WhatsApp group was an alarm bell for me, this was planned

gingerbiscuits · 07/08/2021 10:16

@Cherrysoup

Have you spoken to either of them about not being invited? I would make a Whatsapp just for the 3 of you and say you spoke to Friend B who was expecting you at the hen but Friend A didn’t tell you the new time/venue and ask why.
This! ⬆️ Don't let her get away with being such a bitch! Call her out!! Salvage friendship with person B if you want but cut person A out - she's NOT your friend!
AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 07/08/2021 10:17

@tttigress

She probably did you a favour tbh! Can't stand hen parties
Stupidist post of the day contender right here
AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 07/08/2021 10:19

@SoupDragon

I wouldn't contact the Bride to Be today and cast a shadow over her weekend. I'd leave it til after.

I might comment on A's Facebook posts though.

B might already be disappointed the that the OP isn't there. Knowing she wasn't invited might make her feel better

But the OP knows B so can judge whether it's better to do today or Monday

Kerberos · 07/08/2021 10:20

@MummBraTheEverLeaking

Exactly *@ElspethFlashman*.

If you don't contact B she will spend the whole weekend thinking you aren't as good a friend as she thought, or couldn't be arsed. And chances are she's already asked A, and A has spun her some bull which she'll believe unless you nip this in the bud now.

This. B is probably wondering where you are! I'd be calling this morning.
LawnFever · 07/08/2021 10:21

God ‘A’ is no friend at all, what a bitch!

You need to call/text B right now, don’t leave it until Monday when she’s had the rest of the weekend to stew on whatever bullshit story she’s been told about you not being there.

And call out A then block her and don’t give her any more head space. Accept what friendship you had with her is over.

Amandasummers · 07/08/2021 10:24

Well first things first, fuck friend a quite frankly, she’s not your friend and if I were you, I’d be happy for that not to change. It sounds like friend b had no idea you hadn’t been invited so I’d go straight to her and apologise for not attending and state why. It’s your friendship with friend b that she be being focussed on, friend a is vile.

Babybabybabyooooh · 07/08/2021 10:24

I would definitely contact Friend B now, don’t let her spend the whole weekend thinking you didn’t want to come to the hen and lied to her face about it.
Don’t go into loads of detail now, let her enjoy her weekend, but a simple message of ‘Good Morning Friend B, I just wanted to message and let you know that I am so sorry to be missing your Hen Party, there must have been a mistake and I haven’t received any details of the party, please know I would definitely be there if I had been aware. Again I am so sorry that this has happened, can we organise something to do together to celebrate your wedding?’

Do not do anything rash or allow your emotions to run high, simply because if friend A is trying to get you out of the picture she will use anything she can against you! Try and stay level headed and as mature as possible, don’t give her any ammunition!

I’m sorry this happened to you, how shitty of friend A!

Retrievemysanity · 07/08/2021 10:27

Just message friend B. Say you’ve seen photos of the hen party, you were shocked as A had told you it was cancelled and she didn’t invite you to the new plans. Then I’d message A along similar lines and see what response you get. But I’d do it now and get it over with. A sounds hard work but at the moment you’re just trying to second guess her reasons-I’d give her a chance to reply and then see what you make of it at that point.

Aprilx · 07/08/2021 10:32

At this point, B either knows you have not been invited or she has been told that you couldn’t make it. And however wonderful you are, I don’t think you not making the weekend is going to spoil it, not for more than a few minutes. Whereas a debate over who was invited, who was t and why, is going to put a sour note over,a new possibly ruin, the whole event.

Contact B on Monday. Be prepared for the possibility that she knew (I find it weird she wouldn’t have a handle on the invitees). Have nothing further to do with A either way.