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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 07/08/2021 11:13

What a cow. I'd message friend B and just say "Hi I saw you're having your hen weekend! I don't know why I wasn't invited but I hope things are good between us? Have a great time! I'll catch up with you on Monday x"

Bawse · 07/08/2021 11:14

Just read your update About the Uni Dinner OP. So this person (think ‘friend’ is questionable) has form for this exact behaviour. Hopefully friend B will remember this – this removes some of the plausible deniability that friend A will try and play on. I wouldn’t give her any further chances this time, I would be kicking myself for not getting rid of her the first time. She sounds crackers.

Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 11:14

@CraftyYankee
It's about a 2 hour drive
I wish I was bold enough to do so

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2021 11:15

@CraftyYankee

How far away is it? Could you pop by for the afternoon? Then you get to see Friend B and get the satisfaction of putting a pin in Friend A's evil plan.

You and Friend B have been far too nice for too long and now you are paying the price.

Yes I was thinking this. I did forget to mention in my post. If it’s not far, I would turn up.
Ohpulltheotherone · 07/08/2021 11:15

Of course you need to bloody ask her, if I was you I would drive there now with a couple of bottles of champagne, kick the lodge open and scream
IM HERE!!!!!

I can’t believe how absolutely awful she’s been to rearrange the hen and not invite you? How comes the hen hasn’t texted you to ask where you are????

One thing is clear, the hen organiser is not your friend. So you need to call her out and not worry about upsetting things because she’s already upset it.

She has essentially cut your friendship dead. There’s no going back, but make sure you call her out and remain friends with the bride.

This is shocking!!!

crazymicrowave123 · 07/08/2021 11:15

@Rooree2609 So why hasn't B called to check, surely she would speak to you to find out if this is true or ask if you're ok with whatever you were busy with on the hen night? Don't you guys check on each other? A may have stitched you up (drop her) but B doesn't seem to bothered that you weren't there, so I would call and find out what the deal is. Don't delay and further, for all you know B may not have wanted you to come. It's all shit. xx

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2021 11:16

@TimeForTeaAndG

Stop being so passive OP. Maybe, might, perhaps, wait etc.

It doesn't matter when B will wake up, that's the beauty of messages. They arrive at the phone for the person to read when they are able. She will have already been told by A some story about why you are not there and if you don't put your side across quickly then that is all B will believe. You've had plenty of good suggestions for messages, pick one.

Exactly.

It's like this thread is just going to drag on and on...

Bogofftosomewherehot · 07/08/2021 11:18

@NautaOcts

Don’t wait Straight away message and apologise for not being there and explain
She has nothing to apologise for, needs to be stating the fact that she was dropped from the WA and hadn't been made aware.
Batsy · 07/08/2021 11:21

i would absolutely message her so she has it when she wakes up, you need to let her know whats happened before A has more chance to pour more poison on your friendship.

Stop being so bloody passive. If you were my friend i would 100% want to know if you'd been screwed over by someone else in the group, hen weekend or not!!

Unsure33 · 07/08/2021 11:21

There are some good suggestions of messages on here. Just make sure she knows you are devastated not to be there and why. and you hope you can get together soon .

I know how you feel as I was blamed for not organising a party recently, when act someone else forgot to do it. Luckily I kept all the messages to prove it was not me.

LagunaBubbles · 07/08/2021 11:22

Stop being so passive and afraid of "confrontation", that's what has allowed Friend A to get away with her nasty behaviour for years!

PatchworkElmer · 07/08/2021 11:22

A is not a friend to you, OP.

Soberanne · 07/08/2021 11:23

Do people in real life not speak to each other anymore. You have been good friends with these people for 15 years and you cant just Text or pick up the phone to ask one what is going on and explain to the other why your not there. Honestly way too much over thinking and if your such good friends with the bride then she may not be enjoying her hen knowing her really good friend Is not there and she has no idea why.

Lanique · 07/08/2021 11:23

Get assertive op and text your friend NOW.

Has it not occurred to you that her weekend might already be ruined by her feeling betrayed by you? Get the story straight and to hell with 'friend' A.

Potpourri23 · 07/08/2021 11:23

Friend B is hardly likely to start chasubg fish absent guests at her own party, especially if she's been told the person has declined because of baby issues or whatever...

Have you texted her yet, OP?

diddl · 07/08/2021 11:23

Well it might depend on how busy they have been/what she has been told as to whether or not B would check with Op to ask why she wasn't there.

I like the ides of going for the rest of it.

Would phoning B & asking if that would be Ok work?

Lanique · 07/08/2021 11:23

@Soberanne

Do people in real life not speak to each other anymore. You have been good friends with these people for 15 years and you cant just Text or pick up the phone to ask one what is going on and explain to the other why your not there. Honestly way too much over thinking and if your such good friends with the bride then she may not be enjoying her hen knowing her really good friend Is not there and she has no idea why.
This Hmm
lastcall · 07/08/2021 11:25

Sounds like Friend A disinvited you and filled the place with her sister behind your back. and is no doubt lying to Friend B about it, even possibly saying how her sister was able to step up when you bailed.

I wouldn't wait. I'd reach out to B and tell her you were gutted to see the photos and that Friend A lied to you and clearly didn't want you there.

In the long run, the link to this thread may be an option.

OhRene · 07/08/2021 11:27

@Retrievemysanity

Just message friend B. Say you’ve seen photos of the hen party, you were shocked as A had told you it was cancelled and she didn’t invite you to the new plans. Then I’d message A along similar lines and see what response you get. But I’d do it now and get it over with. A sounds hard work but at the moment you’re just trying to second guess her reasons-I’d give her a chance to reply and then see what you make of it at that point.
I'd go with this but add in "and removed me from the hen chat group so I assumed there would be a new one for the new Hen do..."
DowntonCrabby · 07/08/2021 11:27

I’d contact B ASAP explaining and say you are sorry to have missed it and had been so looking forward to it.

I’d block A for good, she’ll have an excuse I’m sure but it’ll be absolute shite.

Flowers
MamaMia252 · 07/08/2021 11:27

They're not your friends. You're all adults now and they sound hurtful,rude and just plain weird by leaving you out. Don't bother contacting them again, you can choose your friends so forget it and move on...find some new friend's, the right A and B for you are out there somewhere I'm sure. Love this Mumsnet friend we'll call C who would never treat a friend like this 😁💗

CraftyYankee · 07/08/2021 11:27

Just hoik up your big girl pants and go!

You will have a blast and enjoy the time with the bride, while Friend A can suck a lemon.

Be brave!

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 07/08/2021 11:30

I’d just ring her up and ask if she thought you were invited to the hen do? If she says yes then explain you weren’t and are really sorry that you missed it and arrange a nice night out for the both of you. As people have said probably disengage from the notfriend.

MrsSchadenfreude · 07/08/2021 11:30

Just bloody do it!

crumpet · 07/08/2021 11:30

I think you are right. This weekend is about friend B, so wait until she is back before you contact her.

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