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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
GreenLean · 07/08/2021 08:24

It’s none of your business

Pissinthepottyplease · 07/08/2021 08:24

No. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

Or yes. If you are happy to make things for difficult for your friend and to lose her.

mygenericusername · 07/08/2021 08:24

The girlfriend? Yes. Absolutely. I would want to know

Lightbul · 07/08/2021 08:26

I’d really want to know if I was the girlfriend and would for ever be grateful.
But I know some women don’t think that way.

roadwarrior · 07/08/2021 08:27

If it were me I would stay out of it.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 08:27

Tell her. She deserves to know.

I don't know why so many people say it's not your business.

Chikapu · 07/08/2021 08:28

It's none of your business. Be there for your friend and keep your nose out of the rest.

dudsville · 07/08/2021 08:28

I've never understood why you wouldn't tell. If I'm living a lie, if the person I trust most in the world is not worth one iota of my trust, please tell me!

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 07/08/2021 08:29

Very fucking manipulative to threaten to harm himself if his if terrible behaviour is exposed but I would leave it and focus on supporting your friend.

Outbutnotoutout · 07/08/2021 08:31

I would tell her, why should he get away with treating them both like that

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/08/2021 08:33

Tell her.

It's a huge red flag he's threatened to harm himself. This is what abusive men do.

dworky · 07/08/2021 08:37

Yes, definitely.

M0rT · 07/08/2021 08:39

I'd tell her to protect your friend.
If he's that manipulative he went straight to threatening self harm he will probably come sniffing around again trying to reel her back in when the shock of discovery lessens.
If he's dealing with an irate girlfriend/wife he's more likely to leave your friend alone.
Also I would want to know if I was being lied to and deceived by the one person in the world who is supposed to completely have my back.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:42

I'm so torn. I'm furious and disgusted and would want someone to tell me. He bought a house with his girlfriend a couple of months ago. We're just stunned at how anyone can be so awful

But like pp are saying, I'd want to know

OP posts:
Babdoc · 07/08/2021 08:44

Up to you, OP, but be prepared for the wife to shoot the messenger and your friend to dump you for dropping her in it with the wife.

rottd · 07/08/2021 08:44

I don't know why so many people say it's not your business.

Because it isn't, the person is a stranger. Even if you know the person it causes problem, generally the messenger always gets shot.

Babdoc · 07/08/2021 08:45

Sorry, girlfriend, not wife. Not that it makes a difference.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:45

No wife, girlfriend

I don't see how I'm dropping my friend in it with the girlfriend as neither know each other and neither had any idea?

OP posts:
nancydroo · 07/08/2021 08:46

I wouldn't tell her if it was me. You would end up the bad guy. Especially if they stay together.

LittleCatDog · 07/08/2021 08:47

How would your friend feel about you telling the wife? Because there could obviously be a massive backlash for your friend and the wife might completely blame your friend and go after her, tell everyone she knew he was already married etc. but if she wouldn't mind you doing it then it's different! I'd put my friend's wishes first in this situation.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2021 08:48

Wow don’t disrespect your friend like this. She told you to support her not to cause more shit.

Aprilx · 07/08/2021 08:48

@girlmom21

Tell her. She deserves to know.

I don't know why so many people say it's not your business.

Because it isn’t. How do you think this is OPs business?

I think when most people say they are telling the wife / girlfriend they are doing it as revenge and not because they care about her.

LittleCatDog · 07/08/2021 08:48

@Bluntness100

Wow don’t disrespect your friend like this. She told you to support her not to cause more shit.
Yeah, basically this!
girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 08:49

@rottd

I don't know why so many people say it's not your business.

Because it isn't, the person is a stranger. Even if you know the person it causes problem, generally the messenger always gets shot.

I would want to know if I was being cheated on and if I knew someone who was being cheated on, I'd let them know too.

Especially with a man who's willing to threaten self harm so easily because he'll clearly be manipulative in other situations too.

Suzi888 · 07/08/2021 08:50

@Babdoc

Up to you, OP, but be prepared for the wife to shoot the messenger and your friend to dump you for dropping her in it with the wife.
I agree with that. This backfire massively in your direction! Even though his behaviour is a huge red flag as pp commented. You know the people involved, so I think it’s hard for people to comment either way.
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