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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 07/08/2021 08:50

I wouldn’t tell her as you might damage your friendship. But if you think that’s an acceptable risk go ahead.

ajja2021 · 07/08/2021 08:51

It's literally nothing to do with you, why would you do that?

ajja2021 · 07/08/2021 08:51

It's up to your friend to tell

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:52

Why would I do that? Because I've been cheated on and I wished to god someone had told me

OP posts:
rottd · 07/08/2021 08:53

@girlmom21 but you don't know if the gf has suspicions or doesn't want to know. Some people believe it or not don't want to know or don't want the humiliation of a stranger telling them. Plus the friend is going to pulled into the drama when she likely wants to move on.

Dozer · 07/08/2021 08:54

In your friend’s shoes I’d definitely tell her ex’s partner: sharing information about the man with his partner is much, much more important that the man’s feelings and manipulative threats.

If you tell your friend’s ex’s partner, it seems v likely that your friend will find out, and be angry with you.

stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 08:54

Support your friend's position whatever it is, and stay out of it.

If you feel very strongly, talk to your friend and point out that you feel very bad for the girlfriend still living her life with a man that cheats and lies. If she is willing for you to tell her or to do so herself then great, if the answer is no, then respect her decision and back away.

It could damage the trust and friendship otherwise

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:57

Oh I wouldn't do it without telling or talking to my friend first

She wants to tell her but said she couldn't as if he did hurt himself because of her she couldn't cope

OP posts:
Tiana4 · 07/08/2021 08:59

@Pollypocket89

Why would I do that? Because I've been cheated on and I wished to god someone had told me
Stop it. This isn't about you, it's about your lovely friend.

Be there and support her. If she wants gf told later on, that's fine you can offer to assist with that. But right now, it was her relationship, it's her life and you need to respect your friend's wishes no matter your personal view . You don't get to take away your fruends choices and her dignity. Let her decide how and when

Tiana4 · 07/08/2021 09:00

Oh phew!!!! Cross posted. I thought you were asking if you should tell regardless what friend thought

DarkHollowTree · 07/08/2021 09:01

I'd be tempted to contact the police on non emergency if I were her. Him threatening himself to silence her is coercive control and a form of domestic abuse. No doubt hes manipulative and controlling to his current girlfriend too. Maybe his behaviour really does need calling out in this scenario!

SmokeyDevil · 07/08/2021 09:02

@Pollypocket89

Oh I wouldn't do it without telling or talking to my friend first

She wants to tell her but said she couldn't as if he did hurt himself because of her she couldn't cope

Tell her then that it's an empty threat from him, which it is. He's not going to harm himself, he just wants your friend to feel sorry for him, then in a few months he can come crawling back, talking about his 'depression' and that she's the only one who made him feel good about himself. Any of this sounding familiar already?

It's a script, he's lying, your friend should tell his gf and block his lying ass. If the gf stays with him, that's her issue. Least she's been told.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 07/08/2021 09:04

No stay out of it. Not everyone wants to know. She could stay with him, say you are a liar and make your life hell. That's my experience of it.

Aprilx · 07/08/2021 09:09

@Pollypocket89

Why would I do that? Because I've been cheated on and I wished to god someone had told me
Unless you have been contacted by a strange woman telling you that your relationship is a farce, you really cannot have any idea whether she would want this. In any case, I don’t think you should assume everybody wants the same as you and this is not about you.
Aprilx · 07/08/2021 09:11

@DarkHollowTree

I'd be tempted to contact the police on non emergency if I were her. Him threatening himself to silence her is coercive control and a form of domestic abuse. No doubt hes manipulative and controlling to his current girlfriend too. Maybe his behaviour really does need calling out in this scenario!
Don’t be so ridiculous. Even the non emergency police have better things to do than get involved.
Clangerschick1 · 07/08/2021 09:13

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 09:17

April, that's why I started the thread... Because I know its not just about me. Im completely torn and so angry for both of them

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 07/08/2021 09:24

You are overly invested in he love lives of people you don’t know.

It is absolutely none of your business. Your role is to support your friend, not galavant round like miss mangle interjecting in others lives.

Just keep repeating ‘THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME’.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 09:32

I wouldn't say I'm overly invested. I'm angry and exhausted, I've been up all night consoling my friend and seeing the damage he's done to her.

OP posts:
DarkHollowTree · 07/08/2021 09:33

April not ridiculous actually. If her friends genuinely concerned he might apparently hurt himself then she can put her mind at rest with a welfare check. Emotional blackmail like that is a criminal offence now and people like that deserve to be dealt with even if it's just a stern word to make them pack it in.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 09:35

Your friend should be your priority here. She won’t want you wading in. It’s not your fight. The main thing is she’s not seeing him any more.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 09:37

100% I would want to know and I would thank you for telling me. She probably suspects anyway and he is driving he mad gaslighting her with his lies. So many women want 'proof' before they leave, as if they are not allowed to leave unless they have that. They know in their gut but it just helps their mental health to have it confirmed so that they can move on.

So yes, I would tell her.

MummytoGeorgie · 07/08/2021 09:39

@Pollypocket89 I'd send an anonymous note. I couldn't not say anything, I mean it's really not your business but the poor woman he's living in living with. And he's saying he'll harm himself?! Emotional blackmail. Stupid man- I really hope his Mrs finds out.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2021 09:40

Surely people understand that although they would wish to know, lots of women don’t? Personally I would wish to know, but not via some anonymous person. If someone’s going to do it they need to own it.

PanamaPattie · 07/08/2021 09:40

Send an anonymous letter. Your name isn’t mentioned but it will be enough to make the girlfriend think about her relationship and your friend can truthfully deny sending it.

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