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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
rottd · 07/08/2021 09:41

Send an anonymous letter.

Don't do this!

Flibbitygibbit · 07/08/2021 09:42

You’re “angry and exhausted “ ? It’s not about you. Your friend should make the decision as to whether she tells his girlfriend. Not you. You need to be there for her to help her, that’s your job.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2021 09:43

@PanamaPattie

Send an anonymous letter. Your name isn’t mentioned but it will be enough to make the girlfriend think about her relationship and your friend can truthfully deny sending it.
Don’t do this, it’s horrible. It leaves the person wondering who did it, ans with no evidence they usually disregard it. It just leaves the person feeling horrible.

Don’t do it, it’s shitty

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 09:43

@Bluntness100

Surely people understand that although they would wish to know, lots of women don’t? Personally I would wish to know, but not via some anonymous person. If someone’s going to do it they need to own it.
I would agree that it would need to come from a legitimate source. I'd be likely to assume anything anonymous was malicious, particularly if I had no reason to suspect it was true.
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 09:43

The bloke will assume an anonymous letter has come from the op’s friend. That could lead to a whole heap of crap for her.

I’d be livid if a friend of mine went behind my back to write a letter like that with potential consequences for me.

bluebeck · 07/08/2021 09:44

I would want to know.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 09:45

Don't do it anonymously. Let the woman know who you are and that if she does want to talk you are available. Just let her know what you know so that she can make her own decisions. It doesn't have to be an exhausting drama. Get some rest, get yourself together and contact her when you've thought about it properly.

Bathsandnaps · 07/08/2021 09:46

Of course I'd want to know if I were her, but yabu.
Why would you meddle? It would get very messy and you'll be involved in the fallout. Not to mention putting your friend through more pain as he'll blame her

rwalker · 07/08/2021 09:51

Keep out some GF already know, don't want to know or deverstated by knowing .

Lilyargin · 07/08/2021 09:53

Tell her.
Women need to stand together. By not telling her you’re enabling this two-timing cheat.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 09:53

@Lilyargin

Tell her. Women need to stand together. By not telling her you’re enabling this two-timing cheat.
Shouldn’t the op be standing with her friend?
carriehagshaw · 07/08/2021 09:54

Absolutely not. I feel like the reason you'd want to do this, if you're honest with yourself, is to land him in it and make him pay for what he's done. I dont think truthfully it's about doing right by his wife.

Both my friend and I have been in situations where we've found out we're the other woman and told the wife. It caused so much drama and hurt and on both occasions the wives turned on us. They didn't even end their marriages. The men got really nasty, mine turned up at my house with my kids home WITH his wife and threatened me.

It's their sham of a marriage, not yours or your friend's. Leave them to it and focus on supporting your friend

Paintedmaypole · 07/08/2021 09:55

What Bluntness said.

SW1amp · 07/08/2021 09:56

Absolutely tell her

The ‘mind your business’ crew are just baffling

We have a civic duty to help people out, whether that’s reporting child abuse to SS or helping out women who don’t realise they are being abused by a cheating spouse

Hekatestorch · 07/08/2021 09:58

If you are only going to do it, if your friend agrees. Then there's no problem is there?

If she can't face it and asks you to do it and you are happy to do it, why ask here?

You fully believe this woman has a right to know. Your friend would agree. So, from your point of view, there's no dilemma in that situation.

Except, your friend doesn't want to. So you are actually asking if you should go behind your friends back.

But, imo, that's a shitty thing to do. No matter what, it will be blamed on your friend. What's happened to your friend is shit. He is a shit. But you making this worse for her, isn't going to help her or this woman.

I think you want to tell her, to punish this man for you being cheated on by someone else. And it's making you convince yourself you are doing something altruistic, when it's actually not.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 09:58

It's not a marriage and they're only 25. So I don't her to waste her life on that

Part of it is absolutely because I don't think he should get away with it but a bigger part is trying to give someone the truth because it's not fair

If I do it, I won't do it anonymously and only with my friend's full support

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 09:58

We have a civic duty to help people out, whether that’s reporting child abuse to SS or helping out women who don’t realise they are being abused by a cheating spouse

What about the op’s duty to her friend? What about all the blowback that’s going to come down on her?

Comparing telling someone they’re being cheated on to reporting child abuse is absolutely disgusting.

OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 09:59

Of course many of us would all want to know if a partner is cheating on us but some don’t abs some may have much bigger issues going on in their lives

What else would you report on? Or just straying partners

OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 10:01

Civic duty 🙄

Would you like a morality police for say like they have in Saudi Arabia

Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 10:05

Only do it with the agreement of your friend.
She should be told, I agree.

Ideasplease322 · 07/08/2021 10:07

We have a civic duty to help people out, whether that’s reporting child abuse to SS or helping out women who don’t realise they are being abused by a cheating spouse

Please don’t equate a 25 year old cheating on his girlfriend to child abuse. Or any sort of abuse.

There is no civic duty to intervene in others romantic entanglements. There is a civic duty to stop a child being hurt.

We need to get away from this ridiculous notion that everyone has a right to intervene in everyone else’s life.

Yes we stop child abuse, yes we report the shifty looking character scaling the neighbours fence. But there is no civic duty to tell a 25 year old woman we think her boyfriend is Cheating in her.

My goodness - we will be performing citizens arrest in hotels next

DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 10:07

I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business

You already know the answer.

Support your friend, leave the strangers alone.

DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 10:10

@Pollypocket89

April, that's why I started the thread... Because I know its not just about me. Im completely torn and so angry for both of them
It's not about you at all.
SW1amp · 07/08/2021 10:10

@OhWhyNot

Civic duty 🙄

Would you like a morality police for say like they have in Saudi Arabia

Yes, totally logical leap there. Makes total sense

Good job for you we don’t have the Hyperbole Police, eh? Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 10:12

Good job for you we don’t have the Hyperbole Police, eh?

You are the one comparing reporting child abuse and telling someone they’re being cheated on.