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Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:40

@Vilanelle

Fuck all to do with you
I feel like responses like this come from people who are willingly and openly the OW
DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 13:45

I feel like responses like this come from people who are willingly and openly the OW

What a ridiculous and illogical feeling.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 14:02

@DrSbaitso not at all.
I acknowledge that people have different views but there's got to be some reason for the venom behind those kinds of responses rather than being able to have adult discussions like the rest of us

LuaDipa · 07/08/2021 14:08

I would tell her. Df can’t as she will look like the bitter ex, but someone should try to stop that young girl from wasting any more of her life with that man.

funinthesun19 · 07/08/2021 14:18

Your friend doesn’t deserve to receive any blame for this. But she is at risk of blame for keeping the secret now that she knows about the wife.
She can keep her name clear by speaking up, and she shouldn’t be trying to protect him at her own expense. He’s the cheater and she shouldn’t be dragged down with him if she was none the wiser.

She is at risk of the wife kicking off with her, but she just has to keep her head held high in the knowledge that she has done nothing wrong and to keep repeating that to whoever questions her. She ended the relationship as soon as she found out too.

It absolutely must come from her for her to come out looking innocent, otherwise people might not believe her if she hides it.

Before you jump in and cause a load of shit, talk to her and convince her to do it herself for her own sake.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 07/08/2021 14:20

I understand you anger, I really do but your priority here is your friend.

ByWayOf · 07/08/2021 14:23

I know it's not the done thing and every threat of suicide should be taken seriously etc. etc. etc. etc.

But...

He'll kill himself if your friends tells his girlfriend he's been happily having his cake and eating it for over a year without a care about the woman he's supposed to love enough to have bought a house with and a woman he has also presumably been professing his undying love to over the past year?

Nah, mate. Come on. He thinks way too much of himself for that.

ByWayOf · 07/08/2021 14:26

Tell the girlfriend. You'd want to know, I'd want to know, your friends sure as shit wanted to know. The only person who doesn't want her to know is him, because it will ruin whatever cushy little set up he's got going on - financial benefit, maid service or whatever.

The girlfriend might not believe you or might shoot the messenger, but you'll have done what you can and she'll be in a better position with at least the seed of doubt sown.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2021 14:26

@Pissinthepottyplease

No. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

Or yes. If you are happy to make things for difficult for your friend and to lose her.

This. Keep your beak out.
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 14:27

The only person who doesn't want her to know is him

You’ve forgotten the op’s friend…

5128gap · 07/08/2021 14:29

No. Every time this question comes up people egg the OP on to tell because they 'would want to know'. This completely ignores that they are not the person concerned and have no way of knowing whether that person would want to know, much less learn from some random they barely know. Unless the person being cheated on is close to you, and you know their wishes you should keep out of their business. Yes it's hard to watch men getting away with this, particularly if you can relate to it, but don't presume to know what is best for a woman you don't even know. Concentrate on your own friend.

Pottedpalm · 07/08/2021 14:39

I’m not sure I would want to know. Part of me says I should want to, but …
OP did your friend not suspect anything? It’s quite hard to keep two relationships going for that length of time unless its a ‘working away’ situation,

Fatherliamdeliverance · 07/08/2021 14:47

If your friend wants you to do it then yes, if it's you wanting to do it and she agrees eventually then no, slight but important difference if you want to keep the friendship.

I'd feel as you do, especially given that they're only 25. With regards to not knowing what the girlfriend's wishes would be, I can understand someone married 20 years turning a blind eye but not so much someone that young, only just starting out, wanting to build a life together when he has been having an affair over a year.

However, you need to let your friend lead you here. You sound very supportive and your allegiance is to her.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 15:12

@5128gap

No. Every time this question comes up people egg the OP on to tell because they 'would want to know'. This completely ignores that they are not the person concerned and have no way of knowing whether that person would want to know, much less learn from some random they barely know. Unless the person being cheated on is close to you, and you know their wishes you should keep out of their business. Yes it's hard to watch men getting away with this, particularly if you can relate to it, but don't presume to know what is best for a woman you don't even know. Concentrate on your own friend.
I get your point but surely it's better to make decisions that impact your whole life with all of the information you could possibly have to hand, than it is to make decisions based on the information you don't have.

Would you want to know if your employee had been passing over confidential data to a competitor, for example, or would you rather not how because it might not impact you for the next few years?

househuntinginthesouth · 07/08/2021 15:19

I personally would want to know and would be upset if this had happened and people knew and didn't tell me. However your friend has said she doesn't want to share and unless she says she's okay with you telling the girlfriend I wouldn't. You wouldn't want to break your friends trust.

GreyEyedWitch · 07/08/2021 15:20

Tell her anonymously. She's wasting precious time with a cheating scumbag.

Life is short. She could be with him for years before finding out or she may never find out she wasted her life on a loser.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 15:21

@GreyEyedWitch

Tell her anonymously. She's wasting precious time with a cheating scumbag.

Life is short. She could be with him for years before finding out or she may never find out she wasted her life on a loser.

And when she confronts him and he goes after the op’s friend? What happens then?
badg3r · 07/08/2021 15:24

If your friends wants the girlfriend to know and they are all young enough to not have weddings and kids already, absolutely tell her. Given the situation I would have thought it was a no brained to be honest. The girlfriend deserves to know.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 15:25

They've been together since they were 17 apparently. I hate that she doesn't know

And I've seen him and my friend together, they really did seem in love and he seemed so genuine. I think he's probably just a coward

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/08/2021 15:25

girlmom21, I think the business related example is different as its fairly cut and dried without all the emotional complexity that comes with relationships. Sometimes people don't want to know. I have a friend who suspected but was very clear she didn't want to have it confirmed. She felt she had a nice life and didn't want it disrupted, but would feel she couldn't actively condone an affair, and so would need to address it if she were certain. I also know of a woman who has discrete affairs because her husband is unable to have sex, but they want to stay together. He would be mortified to think that anyone else knew about it. I know these examples are not the norm, but my point is, as a stranger you never know what you are meddling with or what damage you will cause. I also think if you know of an acquaintance's partner's affair it's likely other people, much closer to them and more likely to know their wishes, do too, and it's more appropriate they tell them if anyone does.

GreyEyedWitch · 07/08/2021 15:27

@PurpleDaisies What is he going to do? OP has given no indication that he is violent. The friend can tell the truth and state that it wasn't her that disclosed the information to the girlfriend.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 15:30

[quote GreyEyedWitch]@PurpleDaisies What is he going to do? OP has given no indication that he is violent. The friend can tell the truth and state that it wasn't her that disclosed the information to the girlfriend.[/quote]
And you think he’ll believe that? He’s threatened to kill himself if the friend tells. He could easily turn up at the friend’s house and be throughly unpleasant to her even if he’s not violent.

The friend doesn’t want the op to get involved. Why shouldn’t the op respect that?

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 15:32

@Pollypocket89

They've been together since they were 17 apparently. I hate that she doesn't know

And I've seen him and my friend together, they really did seem in love and he seemed so genuine. I think he's probably just a coward

Your last sentence sums it up, Pollypocket.

Have you and your friend decided what to do, if anything?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 15:37

No, she's just spent the day sobbing in my arms

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 15:37

@5128gap very valid points - especially those where there are couples with exceptional circumstances.

I just hate the idea of this poor woman finding out in 10 years time that he's a serial cheat when she's married him and had 3 kids. It's something I've seen happen too many times.

It's a good idea to speak to someone who knows her and her wishes better though.