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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 15:41

If she’s that devastated to know that he’s deceived her, wouldn’t she have liked to have known sooner and doesn’t she feel that the wife should know to be able to have the same choice about staying with him that she had?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 15:41

They've already been together 9 years

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 15:41

Especially before she has kids

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 15:42

There's no 'wife'. She absolutely does feel that way but it's been about 18 hours since finding out, crying non stop and genuinely scared he'll hurt himself so

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 15:47

I wouldn’t push your friend one way or the other. Just leave it for her to decide.

How did she find out?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 15:51

She got a new job as an estate agent and saw his car on a drive then a woman peck him bye, lock the door and he went off cycling. Horrendous

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 15:54

Does she know you’ve started this thread? I don’t think I’d be very pleased to be honest.

phishy · 07/08/2021 15:56

She should absolutely tell his girlfriend.

He will not harm himself.

essentialhealing · 07/08/2021 15:57

Keep your beak out of it

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 16:14

Yes she does know

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/08/2021 16:20

As a PP says, he is v unlikely to harm himself.

His partner being informed would give her the opportunity to get out before she has DC with the creep.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2021 16:28

@Dozer

As a PP says, he is v unlikely to harm himself.

His partner being informed would give her the opportunity to get out before she has DC with the creep.

How would you and the pp know this? Do you know him?
eightyfourandahalf · 07/08/2021 16:29

@Pollypocket89

Oh I wouldn't do it without telling or talking to my friend first

She wants to tell her but said she couldn't as if he did hurt himself because of her she couldn't cope

so she can blame you instead?

I am not sure why you feel the need to get involved in other people's business frankly, but you like the drama and want to meddle?

eightyfourandahalf · 07/08/2021 16:30

@Pollypocket89

They've already been together 9 years
it's amazing how people go from not knowing to suddenly have all the little details!
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 16:47

@Pollypocket89

Yes she does know
How did that conversation go? Sorry you’re here in tears. By the way, I’ve started a thread to see if I should ignore you telling me not to speak to the girlfriend. Hope that’s ok.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 17:03

You do seem to get stuck into a lot of other people's drama OP, so much so I recognised your username!

It might be worth having a think about whether youre overstepping the boundaries of what these people you know IRL want / what is a healthy level for you to be involved in other people's relationships.

It can't be good for your stress levels to be agonising over other people's texts / calls / hugs / relationships etc so often! Let people sort their own stuff out, don't centre yourself in the drama with stuff like this.

Let your friend make a decision re telling re not telling and leave her to it. She's a big girl, she's more than capable of making that decision herself and it's not your place to. It'll be a good exercise for you both for you not to jump in and get involved, leaving her to deal with the question of his partner while you simply support your friend without getting directly involved.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 17:11

That's probably fair advice, you'vegotton. It just hurts me for her as she came to me and there's nothing I can do but comfort her

I'll leave this here as its getting a few unpleasant comments so thank you to those who gave me well meaning responses regardless of disagreeing or not

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 07/08/2021 17:34

Depends how your friend feels, I wouldn’t jeopardise a friendship for it. But he’s manipulated your friend with his threats of harm, so wrong

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 19:00

I'm amazed at the number of posters on this thread who wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/08/2021 19:03

No good can come for interfering in this. What if the bastard harms himself or worse as a result, how will you feel? What if his gf is pregnant or suspects he is having an affair and wants to remain blissfully ignorant?

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2021 19:06

@WallaceinAnderland

I'm amazed at the number of posters on this thread who wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating.
Yeah, odd we’re all different. No way would I want to know. The saying “Ignorance is bliss” exists for a reason.
carriehagshaw · 07/08/2021 19:08

@Pollypocket89

That's probably fair advice, you'vegotton. It just hurts me for her as she came to me and there's nothing I can do but comfort her

I'll leave this here as its getting a few unpleasant comments so thank you to those who gave me well meaning responses regardless of disagreeing or not

I think our job as a friend is to comfort, hold space, listen. People don't often go to a friend with a problem because they want them to do something or fix it.

In fact it can be really annoying

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 19:09

@Blossomtoes do you mind me asking why you wouldn't want to know if your partner was cheating. Totally understand that everyone's different but would like to know the reasoning behind it.

drpet49 · 07/08/2021 19:10

**Tell her.

It's a huge red flag he's threatened to harm himself. This is what abusive men do.**

^This

DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 19:20

[quote WallaceinAnderland]@Blossomtoes do you mind me asking why you wouldn't want to know if your partner was cheating. Totally understand that everyone's different but would like to know the reasoning behind it.[/quote]
I know you didn't ask me, but as I feel similarly I hope it's OK if I hop in.

If I suspected an ongoing affair but wasn't sure and it was distressing me, then yes, I think I'd want to know (ie, proof) so at least I knew I wasn't going mad.

If it's ongoing but I don't have any suspicions, I don't know if I'd want to know, for similar reasons to the ones that follow.

But if it was an affair that is now over, especially if it's long over, and my husband loves me and I'm happy and don't know about it, I absolutely would not want to know. I'm happy, my husband loves me, our family is doing well and what's done is done, the past is in the past. Don't come into my life and start digging up skeletons that I didn't know were there and weren't in any way bothering me. Especially when you don't know me, won't be there to comfort me and are only doing it out of displaced vengeance that should be aimed at someone else. I and my family are not collateral damage for a stranger to get a misplaced revenge or whatever sense of satisfaction it brings them. The affair is over, we're happy and intact, and if you lob a bomb in our lives, I'll think the only person you were trying to please was yourself. That certainly bears out in the rhetoric around these issues.

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