Should I tell her?

[Pollypocket89]

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

I won't. I would tell you. In your case that would be the wrong decision for you because you would rather not have known, but that defies the odds.

Again, the same question applies the other way round. But you surely know that by now and it's getting very boring repeating myself that what you think are "gotchas" apply equally in reverse and that that is precisely why it is such an invidious position to be put in as a third party with never a clear right answer.

Have a lovely day.

I would definitely want to be told and I wouldn't care who told me or why. I would just want that information.

@WallaceinAnderland

I would definitely want to be told and I wouldn't care who told me or why. I would just want that information.

We know. You’ve told us about a billion times.

@ByWayOf

I won't. I would tell you. In your case that would be the wrong decision for you because you would rather not have known, but that defies the odds.

Again, the same question applies the other way round. But you surely know that by now and it's getting very boring repeating myself that what you think are "gotchas" apply equally in reverse and that that is precisely why it is such an invidious position to be put in as a third party with never a clear right answer.

Have a lovely day.

They're not "gotchas", they are fair points. You have no answer to them so you try to invalidate them.

I do indeed not want you, a perfect stranger, to blunder into my life and possibly ruin it. You do not have my consent. And you know many other people like me are out there. And you have decided that you know better, and your beliefs for my life trump mine, and that you have the right to enter my life unbidden and change it for me. When you don't know me or anything about me.

The "odds" are another thing you don't know and have made up, on the myopic logic that your wants are the default ones. And those of us who feel are worth risking. But it's ok, because YOU feel happy with it.

You may feel comfortable ruining my life and making decisions for me without my consent, as a total stranger, but at the very least do not flatter yourself that it was a noble act. It is presumptuous and self serving.

Thanks, DrS. As you know, I disagree.

Have a lovely day.

@ByWayOf

Thanks, DrS. As you know, I disagree.

Have a lovely day.

Yes, you keep saying. Unfortunately, when you're making decisions about other people's lives, what they might think should really trump what you think.

So I know you would barge into my life and feel good about it even if I told you it was ruinous, unwelcome and not your place. OK.

What would you have done with my old work colleague who was having an affair, to whom I spoke maybe three times in five years and whose wife I had never met? I chose not to look his address and phone number up on the work records and contact his wife to tell her (would have been tricky, I didn't know her name). What would you have done?

We know. You’ve told us about a billion times

That's the trouble with circular arguments isn't it. I think those of us with opposing views will have to agree to disagree on this thread as knowing/not knowing is obviously equally important to each of us

DrS If you'd like to know my views, I suggest you read over my many, many comments on this thread and absorb their meaning. I'll repeat the fundamentals one more time.

If you were in possession of knowledge about my cheating DH you wouldn't tell me and I would be just as unhappy with and judgemental about your choice to collude in my deception as you would be about my choice to tell you the truth. I would consider that your unwelcome choice was just as self-serving and immoral as you would apparently consider mine to be. So there.

You never know whether the person you tell will take your view of the situation or mine so you can only go by doing to others as you would be done by. There is no neutral. Absolving yourself of all responsibility to tell the truth to someone you know if being lied to doesn't wash with me, just as much as taking it upon myself to tell you the truth doesn't wash with you. We're at an impasse.

I'm willing to accept that and agree to disagree. Perhaps you would kindly do the same and this thread can turn back to the OP specifically.

ByWayOf, I know your views.

But I'm asking: would you have tracked down this man's wife and told her? A man you hardly knew, and a woman whose face, name and voice you don't know from Adam?

On Saturday OP said she was going to leave the thread. As she felt the further responses were unhelpful.

MNers, I know this is a public forum and you can post and comment what you like. And have a view.

But those saying she ought tell bc you would want to know - and have a strong moral compass that overrides friendships- this should really all be about OP's friend. Who doesn't want to say anything at the moment. It should be within her control and her call entirely.

OP ought be focused on supporting her friend not considering going behind her back to damage friend's trust in her and blow up her life. We all need a good confidant, not a wild firecracker .

It will not work out well if OP goes behind her back to throw in that firework no matter if the man deserves it . It will bounce back on OP's friend.

@ByWayOf

Hello again, DrS. I wasn't asking you - I know your feelings perfectly well.

I was interested to know U2's thoughts about whether they would rather know from a stranger (such as the OP is to the girlfriend) or no-one at all.

U2 lives in hope that they would figure it out themselves but doesn't actually answer the question, which is fair enough. It's an uncomfortable and difficult proposition if you're adverse to bring told by a stranger but also wouldn't want to be cheated on behind your back. Unfortunately, in reality, many people do live in ignorance for many years without cottoning on so I do think it is a relevant question.

It's not uncomfortable to answer. I was just posting when I should have been going to work

I agree that many people are blindsided by their partner's affair for a long time, or may never find out. In my husband's situation, due to illness, I am pretty confident it wouldn't take me too long to figure it out that his dramatic change in social life could be down to an affair.

To answer your question- no, I do not want to be told my a stranger about my husband's infidelity. Id prefer to take the small risk of never finding out.

Thanks, U2, interesting to know.

DrS, any answer I give you will only serve to prolong this now tedious conversation with you either telling me why I'm wrong and assigning particular motives to me if I say yes, or telling me I'm morally inconsistent if I say no. I therefore decline to answer.

Perhaps you could agree to disagree, given that we are never going to concur rather than flogging a dead horse. If simply having the last word is your aim, please go ahead and take it. I'm sure you will.

How are you going to tell her.
Do you even know who she is.

Why do you want to rock the boat even further.
I agree she probably does have the right to know.

However that’s not your place.
Your loyalty is to your friend.

I don’t think she’ll appreciate you going to find his wife and telling her they’ve been shagging behind her back.

@ByWayOf

Thanks, U2, interesting to know.

DrS, any answer I give you will only serve to prolong this now tedious conversation with you either telling me why I'm wrong and assigning particular motives to me if I say yes, or telling me I'm morally inconsistent if I say no. I therefore decline to answer.

Perhaps you could agree to disagree, given that we are never going to concur rather than flogging a dead horse. If simply having the last word is your aim, please go ahead and take it. I'm sure you will.

You can agree to disagree and leave the discussion any time you like if it bores you so much.

But yes, the fact that you clearly want to keep talking but won't answer this is very telling. You think everyone in the world would be morally wrong not to do as you do, so why won't you tell us what you'd do?

If your morals don't lend themselves to answering a very simple question about how they operate in practice - because the situation I put to you is a very common one - you may wish to reconsider them.